Listen, Tara

Wow, two meetings in one day? What the hell kinda day is this?

Adam and Ed and I went to a meeting tonight that wasn't AA, it was a meditation meeting. The woman did a little kind of guided meditation and then gave a little talk on a topic. Tonight she talked about "trance," or the way we split off from ourselves. She talked about an old Buddhist story of a girl who was in love with a young man, and then when told she couldn't be with him she cleaved in to two: one who went after him and lived with him away from her family and lonely for them, and the other who stayed with her family alone from him and depressed. Eventually the two parts reconnect and she becomes whole again.

The leader talked about how when facing scary things or happy things, or anything, really, we tend to get into trance-like states. We focus wholly on one thing and leave the others out. It was a really interesting thing to spend 2 hours just pondering. And I got a lot out of it. I can't tell you why, but it just helped me learn two things: there's no rush, and it's no reflection on me.

Oh course, I'm talking about Adam. He was sitting right next to me as she was telling the story of this girl whose love for another cleaved her in two, and all I could think was, yeah, I get a little "tranced" thinking about this whole thing. But it hit me: just because he doesn't know how he feels right now doesn't mean it's all a wash. He doesn't have to know, and I don't have to know, either, because the end of the world isn't imminent (for all we know). For all we know, we both have time to see what this is and where it goes. It could stay just where it is, and that would have to be fine.

And that was my other thing: it's fine. It's not a reflection on me. He's dealing with his own stuff, and just because he doesn't want me sexually doesn't mean I'm unlovable. He loves me; he tells me so. That's enough. I need to accept that he means it, and not think that because he's not showing it physically that he doesn't mean it. Physical love isn't all there is to it.

So let go, right? This friendship is good. I need to be good in what is, and not think that I'm unlovable because it's not what it used to be. Things change.