EDNOS

I just found a really great blog called Two Whole Cakes. She's funny and irreverant, and I like her style. Anyway, she also had some good things to say about the recent study that came out about eating disorders:

So what we have here is a comprehensive study instructing us that anorexia is as common in boys as girls, that children are developing eating disorders at 12, and that eating disorders are extremely dangerous to kids’ health both medically and emotionally. Also, that while anorexia rates have remained stable, the instances of binge eating disorder and bulimia have doubled since the 1990s. In a complete coincidence, the fearful cultural rhetoric regarding an alleged obesity epidemic has also doubled—at least—since the 1990s. But this is totally unconnected.

It doesn't surprise me at all that the incidences of eating disorders are rising in the U.S. Just look at some of our role models. Kids are looking to celebrities, who are all about 80 pounds at 5 foot 1, which is just ridiculous and never an achievable look if you are built bigger than a pixie.

One of the other things the study says is that people with eating disorders otherwise not specified (EDNOS) are rising. That means people like me who obsess about what they put into their body and then binge. I definitely have a bad relationship with food, but I'm fat and so don't qualify for anorexia and I don't puke, so I'm not bulimic.

So how do we turn this around? Well, better, healthier role models would be good. People who love their bodies just the way they are. Less reliance on medical science to create "perfect" Barbie-like women. I don't know. There's got to be a way out of it.

I stole this it was so good

So good, I stole it from Beyond Blue:

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego."

He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Think about that for a minute. The one you feed. The one you tend to. Of course, this applies to everything from depression to alcoholism. Sit around wallowing in your depression and you're sure to feel it. But do something kind for yourself and you'll feel better. Promise.

Julie has been telling me to buy myself flowers. I've actually been doing it, and I do feel special when I see them. I like flowers so much, and they really perk up my windowsill. Just a simple act of kindness to myself makes a world of difference.

So which one will you feed today?

More from Post Secret

This is so not me right now

I like this, from over at Beyond Blue: Hypomania usually takes a bad habit and multiplies it by, say 100.

Damn, girl, ain't that the truth. What bad habit do you have? Let's make it 100% worse! Like to snort blow? Let's do it sunrise to sundown! Like to sleep with people? How about 5 this week? One for every day, you know!

At least, that's what my mania looks like. It takes me to awesome places of danger and expense of health and sanity. My hypomania looks more like shopping and overextending myself, which is probably good for me (well, not my credit cards). I also like to sign up for marathons and book plane tickets. A strange mania, indeed.

So where am I right now? I'm pretty depressed. I can feel it lurking under the surface. I just want to sleep, but I'm not tired. I just want to eat, but I'm not hungry. I need to work out, but my body just feels like it's dragging when I do. And I am not enthusiastic about anything. I don't feel so hot.

Postsecrets this week

I totally do this! I have one from my dad and one from my grandma, just in case.

This could have been my secret

The weird wide web

You ever notice how there are a lot of really crazy people out there? I've been trolling around lately looking at other people's blogs, and I've found some super crazy people. Like conspiracy theory, aliens abducted you kind of crazy, all writing about their mental illnesses. I'm not going to link to any of them here, cause I don't want to endorse some of the very strange things I've found on the web.

But I have also found a great number of good blogs written by people whose heads are still on their shoulders, at least. Check out my blogroll for some new people. Twitter also has a "discussion" every Tuesday night at 9 under the hashtag #mhsm. A good spot for finding new voices and seeing what's going on in the community.

Oh so lonely

Got this from Steph over at the Princess's Daily Life. Good blog, if you haven't seen it. I'm not identifying with the lonely feeling today. I'm a little too amped to feel lonely.

Temper tantrum

"But I never move on from bipolar. It isn’t a thing. It’s everything. It’s sleep schedules and med schedules and bipolar symptoms and medication side-effects and moods and therapy and doctors and control every day of my life. There’s never a break. Not for a moment. I’m bipolar now. A minute from now. A day from now. A year from now. Always sick."

I felt bad the other day when I mentioned that I hate having the diagnosis of bipolar. It's a life-long, debilitating, deadly illness that no matter what kind of medicines I take or meditation I do is not going anywhere. It's a part of me: it's my personality.

I can never escape the fact that I'm bipolar and need to be on medication for the rest of my life. Sure, I can stop taking medication, but that's just letting the illness takeover.

Natasha Tracy(the woman who wrote this) also had a neat article on the worst things to say to someone with mental illness. Amazingly, people do say that stuff. My dad says that stuff all the time. Actually, I think he may have said all of those things to me at one point, which just ups the guilt you feel and makes you hide your symptoms. A hidden madness is more dangerous, I think. When people see you're crazy they tend to help. But when you hide everything no one can help you.

So no, it's not fair. It's not cool that I have to take medications that make me a zombie and disrupt my thought processes. It's not fair that I have to be careful of sharp objects. It's not fair that anything I do that's too much fun I worry is mania creeping up on me. It's not fair, damnit.

High functioning bipolar

I'm not feeling very articulate today, so don't mind my rambling. I was reading a great blog this morning and came across a post she did on being a high functioning bipolar person. She talks about just how much mental energy it takes to be "normal." To show up for work, pay your bills, walk the dog. It sucks the life out of you.

"So all the appearance of my functioning is paid for by utter decimation and exhaustion the rest of the time. I don’t have energy or brain space left to read, see friends, date or do pretty much anything else. The last thing I want to do is leave the house. I want to sleep. Forever. And ever."

It really takes a lot of mental energy just to act normal. I suppose that's why I sleep a lot: I use up everything I have just trying to be perky and appear sane. In my head, it's all swirling around. Sometimes my inner voice is screaming things at me, but I look perfectly normal on the outside.

Links

I have come across so much this morning, all from one little link. Now, I can't keep up with myself, so I'm documenting here some of the links I want to check out.

Canada Globe and Mail: Breakdown, Breakthrough

Coming Out Crazy (old files)

Furious Seasons (old)

Spikol

The plan 1

"The most important thing to remember is this - your symptoms have gone away BECAUSE THE MEDS ARE WORKING! It's not necessarily because you've been cured. There are no cures for a lot of these disorders. It's not your fault that you're crazy, but it is your responsibility to stay as sane as possible. You're not the only person you hurt if you really flip out."

Just like it's my responsibility to stay sober, it's my responsibility to stay sane. But Adam reminded me last night that that doesn't mean I have to go it alone. One of the most awful parts about depression is that your brain convinces you you are all alone. I have a million phone numbers in my phone, email addresses, friends on Facebook, etc., but in that moment when I was freaking out all I could think was, "There's no one I can tell." Now, is that true? No. Am I going to freak someone out? Probably. But is that ok? Probably. That's what friends are for. They're there for you in bad times, too.

Adam asked me to make a list, a personal care packet, almost. My "plan for safety." Hm. Plan. My plan is to not drink so much caffeine. I feel shitty today, but it's a different kind of shitty. I'm not buzzy, but I'm still having racing thoughts and such. They're going so fast that I'm having trouble stopping them to pull one out. It's funny, I catch myself sitting here like a schizophrenic listening to voices - staring up in the corner of my head, just waiting for the one I want to repeat.

Right. Plan. I told my dad I was feeling crappy and now all he can do is tell me to go to the gym. "You should go get those endorphins going or they're no-dorphins." Dork. He's trying. He also thinks a lot of it is just the coming off of the meds. "It's been 2 weeks, dad." "Yes, but I'm sure they're still coming out of your system. It took me a month to get all the caffeine out." How long did it take me to get the booze out? Month, two? I don't remember now, but the physical symptoms were gone much sooner than the mental. But how can you tell whether the mental symptoms you are having are because you are not on meds and your brain chemistry is crazy stew, or because you're coming down off meds? I haven't found anything good on the internet, yet, but I'll share when I do.

I still haven't given you a plan, have I? Cause I don't have one that lasts past the week. Sleep, Seroquel, work, meetings. Yeah, I'm still including meetings on there. I promised Paul I would go tomorrow and see if the woman he wants to hook me up with is there. I just learned I have to work Thursday, so no 6am womens meeting, which I'm on-and-off ok with. I should hit the 8:30 tonight after therapy, but I probably won't. I don't want to leave the house too much. I feel weird enough, and driving has been making me paranoid.

This is getting long.

Train the mind

Go check out this ten second reading from Paulo Coehlo. If you don't think it applies to your life in sobriety, you're reading it wrong

Public Service Announcement

"Hazelden announced that it has launched a newly enhanced Sober24, the online social media site that helps people throughout the world maintain their recovery from addiction and compulsive behaviors. The site, at www.sober24.com, offers online membership as a free service to everyone in recovery, providing members with easy access to the recovery community, as well as experts, resources and services in addiction treatment."

Disclaimer: going to check it out now, but didn't pre-post. I generally trust Hazelden, though.

Is that you God?

There's a neat little post today on Acting On Impulse (on Paulo Coehlo's blog). The priest has an internal impulse to preach right then and there and, despite his embarrassment and inclination to stay seated, he delivers a sermon. He never gets to know if it had any impact on anyone, or sees any tangible results, but he still believes that it served some purpose.

Sometimes you just have to listen to your HP. Sometimes those little "impulses" are your HP talking to you, telling you the right thing to do in the moment. But how can you tell if it's ego telling you what to do or your HP? That's where it gets tricky. There are some obvious indicators - like if it's something obviously bad for you or others, like stealing or lying, it's probably your ego; and if it's something like helping an old lady across the street or being a priest and delivering a sermon, that's probably a good thing. But what about all the other little impulses?

That's where having a relationship with your HP in the first place comes in handy. You're more likely to do what's right if you know where the next right action's message usually comes from. I know when I talk to and hear from God I get a calming feeling. So if I'm feeling calm and get an impulse to do something, I can usually suspect good things. If I'm all amped up, I bet it's just my mania talking.

You'll find your own way of telling, but just make sure the things you do won't get you or anyone else in prison, and you're probably ok.

Feelings are not facts

"If it happened, it’s a fact. If it hasn’t happened, it’s a theory or a prediction. If you hold a kitten over a working blender and open your hand, the prediction that it will fall in is actually not a fact. It’s a theory. It’s a theory that has a whale of a lot of evidence to point to the probability of kitten puree, but it’s not a fact."

One of the gratitudes on the list tonight was being grateful that feelings aren't facts. I like that, yet it kind of throws me. Maybe that's why I like it. I also really like the description of facts above. Kitten puree is a probability, not a fact. Nothing is a fact until it happens.

I'm crazy and so are you

“You are someone who is different, but who wants to be the same as everyone else. And that in my view is a serious illness.”

“Live. If you live, God will live with you. If only everyone could know and live with their inner craziness…people would be fairer and happier.”

I'm not a crazy person, I know that. I may have a mental illness, and I may look at the world in a way that others might think is odd, but I know right from wrong; up from down. Sometimes I label myself and all of my emotions. "You're just manic; You're just depressed," instead of it's ok to be happy, or sometimes things can make you sad. It doesn't all have to be based on the chemical imbalance in my brain. I can feel, you know. I'm allowed.

I need to give myself a little more credit for being human. I do a pretty damn good job. I go through stressful things and don't fall apart. I linger on Adam too much, but everyone has their Achilles heel. I can be up, down, normal, and these things are just fine - just sane.

So how do I let myself just live? How can I let go of all the things that tell me, "Don't do that! You'll look crazy! People will think you're manic!" You know what? Screw "them." I am me. Me is a little kooky. Me likes excitement and adventure. Me is willing to do funny and outrageous things. Me is willing to give all. And that's not crazy, that's living.

Curiosier and curiousier

Something Mr. Sponsorpants said that I wanted to share. He had a REALLY crappy day the other day, and made this deal with his readers:

So here's the deal: You don't lie, and bail, or drink or use or kill yourself -- just get through the day with as much dignity and grace as you can muster -- and I'll do the same.

I think that's the best deal you can make with yourself or others. Just don't drink or use is of course super important, but there's also the other great bits of wisdom in there. Don't lie. Live by the Golden Rule: do unto others. So if you don't like being lied to, don't lie. Don't bail on plans you've made. Follow through. And don't kill yourself. It's so not worth it.

I heard someone say when they were using every day they would wake up and think, "God damnit, I'm still alive." And now, after 4 years sober, they wake up and think, "Man, I'm curious what's going to happen today." Cultivate curiosity. Find something to look forward to. Hell, make it up. Try to look forward to the sun setting every day if you can't think of anything else. Look forward to the temperature change at dusk and try to be there to feel it. Anything that gets you through the day.

So let's make a deal: Just for today, don't drink or use, don't lie or bail, and cultivate the curiosity to live with.

Brida

"She wanted to follow all possible paths and so ended up following none. After her first romantic disappointment, she had never again given herself entirely. She feared pain, loss, and separation.

These things were inevitable on the path to love, and the only way of avoiding them was by deciding not to take that path at all. In order not to suffer, you had to renounce love. It was like putting out your own eyes not to see the bad things in life."

Paulo Coehlo is a genius.

Meds = Happiness?

The picture is right: I don't know how anyone else does it without meds. The world can just be such a disappointing place to live. There are horrible things that happen in the world; horrible, depressing things that make you question the whole purpose of humanity.

But then there are the great things in life: the trees and lakes, the smell of rain, snowflakes that stay on your nose and eyelashes, love. The world can be a beautiful place. And I suppose that's how most people get by: they focus on the good; they have short term memory for the bad. At least, that sounds right to me.