Take your drugs!

Had lunch this afternoon with my mentor and a man I met in the rooms. I was trying to hook one up with another because they're in the same field, and the AA kid is looking for a job. I think it went well.

When he was driving me back home, he said he had to ditch a sponsee one time because the kid was taking prescription speed (probably Adderall), and so he couldn't "in good conscience" sponsor him. He said the kid found another sponsor who also told him to quit, and he did. I wonder how that kid is doing now without his meds.

These people scare me. It takes a lot to get on meds and believe in them, so it seems cruel to get someone off of medication. I'm going to ask my sponsor tonight what she believes about taking medications, and tell her goodbye if she doesn't approve. I'm worried about getting involved with these people. It just seems like a bad idea. Maybe I'll call her now and tell her I'm looking for someone a bit older and slower.

Midtown is not for me

So apparently I have a problem. I have seemed to have fallen into a group that has a bad reputation in the area. I don't like to talk about where I live, but this will give it away.

There's this group within AA here in my city that has been accused of all sorts of stuff like going against AA principles and being cult-like. They've been said to take in young people and use them for money and sex. Some people claim they don't think you're sober if you're on prescription medication. "“They told her that she would not remain sober if she continued taking the medication,” Kate said. “Within three days she had a psychotic episode and was hospitalized again.”" Some say that it "is 'a coercive, cultlike group that uses the trusted AA name to induce young alcoholics into a radical fringe movement that has little resemblance to traditions.'" They've also been said to ostracize other people who don't conform. Interesting, right?

I talked to a friend of mine who I met on the retreat and asked her about this, if she had any first-hand knowledge. (If you looked at the dates, all these articles are from 2007.) And boy did she. Her ex-girlfriend used to be a part of this group, and says it's all true. They eventually ostracized her after she came out, and she avoids them at all costs now. My friend met my sponsor once, and says she's deep in this group. So...

I have a problem. I need to get myself out of this before it turns into something. AA isn't about a social life or working to please other people. AA is a program of we, yes, but it's a program of we only in that it's hard to stay sober without the help of other alcoholics. You can't do it alone, but you can't do it under the thumb of someone else. You've got to do the work yourself.

And to not take prescription meds? That's what keeps me alive. I would be dead if I didn't take my meds. I know it.

I think I'm going to tell my sponsor that I want someone older to sponsor me, which I do. I don't like feeling like I'm being shuttled around to meetings and people's houses. I want my own program, not someone elses.

To tell the truth, hanging out with these kids kinda made me want to drink. I was uncomfortable there, and felt very strange. Time to break free.

No kool-aid available

So the meeting wasn't really cult-like, so far as I could tell, but damn, it's like hanging with the popular people. It's really like going to a frat party without the beer. So strange.

Another friend in the program warned me about this group, so I'm going to keep my eyes and ears open for weirdness. I'm hoping to avoid that meeting from now on, because 400 people isn't my idea of a good meeting. I like them small and comfortable. I can't really deal with the big crowds. It just makes me anxious.

My sponsor has me going to stuff every night, which is fine, since I don't have anything else going on, but it's not maintainable. I hope she doesn't think this is normal.

Finally got a run in today, which helped with the anxiety. I didn't sleep at all last night, and got up at 2am to take a shower hoping that would help. It did, a bit, but I still needed a nap today.

I'm so old

It's neat hanging out with a new group of people. You get to watch the dynamics and see who's really ok with whom, and get a feel for the history of the group. Really, hanging out sober is just like hanging out drunk, but without the alcohol. You watch stupid tv, you look up dumb puns on the internet, you eat too much junk food, and laugh a lot. But you're just sober. It takes a lot more energy, and man I'm tired.

It's also interesting. These kids are all five years younger than I am. That's really a huge difference. I was not mature at all at 25. Drinking or not, you grow up a lot in those five years. I kind of feel like the older sister invited to visit her little sister's sorority for the weekend and feeling old. I don't know how long I'm going to be able to keep up with this and still enjoy it. I like old people. I've always been more comfortable with people older than me.

I'm going to a meeting tonight that has about 400 people. It's in the city, and is probably the largest group. It has a bad reputation with other AA folks, though, according to a Newsweek article Adam read to me last night. I'm going in with an open mind, but if it gets cult-like, I'm outta there.

I like AA. I believe in looking for your spiritual self. I believe in following the steps and listening to those around you who have more sobriety. But I'm not IN this thing for it to become my entire life. I don't only want friends who are in AA. I have a lot of good friends, and I'm not interested in alienating them by drinking the punch. That's the reputation of this group. So we'll see. I'm a little nervous about it.