24 club

Why aren't there meetings at 3am? Just clubhouses open all the time for insomniacs and the manic? Really, sometimes you just need a meeting and there aren't any around. The next one is at 7:30am, and I'm sure to crash before that. The internet just isn't that entertaining, and my friends are all asleep.

Don't be discouraged

The topic the other night was discouragement. I've been discouraged in my life, but definitely by the program of AA. It was such a difference moving cross country, and then getting involved with the young people, which I should have known wasn't my scene. What's sad is I spent almost a year at my dads and never found a meeting I felt like I could call my home group, but I've been up north 2 months and I miss the people at my Tuesday meeting. AA feels more comfortable up here. I like these people: they're real.

So yeah, I was discouraged, and I backed away for a time. But I also came to realize that I feel better when I go to meetings. It strengthens me for the day to come. I like to hear everyone's stories and listen to the laughter. It's good for me.

I think I'm going to hit a noon meeting, now.

Swinging that sword

The speaker this morning talked about how her drinking never had consequences, like DUIs or loss of family, but that she always had a sense of impending doom. She always felt like that sword of Damocles was about to drop on her head. That's how I felt. I knew something would happen. Some day I was bound to get a DUI or something car related like an accident. I may not have become a "rock bottom" drunk, but it was getting to the point where something bad was going to happen, and it was going to rock my world.

As I come up on my anniversary I get more and more grateful for sobriety. I'm glad I found it when I did, too! This past year would have been hell or death if I was still using. I couldn't have made it. Who knows what would have happened. It's just another example of the promises coming true: God doing for me what I couldn't for myself.

A few people have asked what I'm going to do to celebrate for my anniversary. I might be up north, so I don't know. There's a meeting that night, so I'm definitely going to that, but maybe I can find some sober people to take me out to dinner. If I stay here, I think I'll do a marathon meeting day. I'll hit an 8:30am, noon, 5:30pm, and 8:30pm. I suppose sobriety is present enough.

Driving myself to the brink

Wow, I am a hot mess. I knew I shouldn't have opened my mouth. I was sitting there feeling panic coming on; hands shaking, heart pounding, stomach acids churning. But I did it anyway. We had just read a story in the Big Book called Crossing the River of Denial, about a woman who realized there was no point in continuing to drink. In there, she says, after losing her job, "thank goodness I was sober or I probably would have killed myself."

So I opened up to the group. "I lost my job four months into my sobriety, and like this woman, I think I would be dead if I weren't sober." I was shaking, my eye twitching, my heart pounding. I don't know what else I said, but I could barely get anything sensible out. I made it short.

This seems to happen every time I open my mouth and talk about anything except how much something costs or whether the newspaper was delivered this morning. I can do work in the store, but I can't talk to anyone else about anything else without bringing on a panic attack.

On the drive home, I knew I shouldn't be driving. I could feel the car expanding around me: the cockpit was becoming large enough for a giant. It was just me and the steering wheel. Everything else was moving farther away from me. Then a bus pulled up behind me and passed to the left. It was so big! The bus just overwhelmed me even in my gigantic car.

I made it to the parking garage. Oh, God, now I have to back in to the tight space. Breathe, breathe. I did it. I shouldn't have been driving. I wanted to stay for another meeting but my dad needs the car. I feel like I should just take another Zyprexa and call it a night.

Speaking of patience....

I'm trying out an online meeting. It's on stepchat.com, just in case you want to try it out. I think it's a great idea for people who are stuck in the house or at work and need a meeting. I was wondering what in the world it was going to be like....

So far it's SLOW. She's reading How It Works and typing three sentences at a time. Slowly. The steps alone are taking forever. And it doesn't help that I've got the internet here as an added distraction. What I really need to do is get up off my butt and drive to a meeting, but it's 18 degrees outside and I'm feeling especially unwilling to go outside today. Since it's only noon, I know I need to make a plan to leave the house at some point. So, I think I'll hit a regular meeting sometime this afternoon.

There are a lot of people in the chat room; 20 maybe. More than I thought. It's conducted a lot like an AA meeting, where people raise their hands to talk (by typing !! first). So let's pay attention....

A desire to stop drinking

Apparently you can pick up cyber chips now. Just click the chip above.

Dual diagnosis here I come

I just noticed what time it is. I was going to go to a meeting tonight. Damn. Last one is at 8:30. I suppose tomorrow I can get up at a decent hour and go to a meeting before my interview. I need to find a sponsor. It would be nice to have one, and it would be especially good right now that I'm having thoughts of medicating with substances. Julie and I agreed that if the urge gets too overwhelming to self-medicate that I should have a cigarette. Just the thought of smoking stops me in my tracks, though, since it's just so gross to start again. It smells so bad, and tastes so bad, and is expensive, "And there are over 200 chemicals in it." Gross.

My old sponsor out west has been sending me a gratitude list everyday, as have a few other women on this listserve. It's been really nice to see what is keeping everyone else sober. I think I may ask her to continue to sponsor me until I can find someone. I really like her, and she's easy to talk to.

What I need to do is hit the dual-diagnosis meeting in the city and see if I can find a sponsor there. It would be nice to have someone who understands the ups and downs of bipolar coupled with alcoholism. It is kind of a different beast to be one of the people with "mental and emotional problems."

On a roll

I made it to another meeting today. I drove Ed to the airport and just decided to stop on the way home. It's one of those, "if the light is green I'll make the left and go to the meeting, but if it's red I'll make the right and go home." Light was green, so I went.

The guy who led had some serious issues going on in his life, but one thing he did reiterate for me from last night's meditation was that moment of pause. Instead of reacting immediately to something you have the opportunity to take a moment and pause, breathe, and reconsider your reaction. Instead of getting angry or hurt, you can just pause. I like that a lot. Jumping on the emotion and really investigating it's origins and if it's the appropriate reaction.

Andrea and her boyfriend are in town today, so it's off to guide them around the area and do some touristy stuff. Fun! I love exploring my own town.

Yeah, yeah, I know

I made it to a meeting this morning, thanks to Adam. He had to go to the doc, and so I got dropped off at the club to fend for myself for an hour. Not a bad deal. I ran into a friend there, too. A woman who was sponsored by my old sponsor was there with another woman. She came up to me after the meeting to ask how I was, and to tell me she relapsed over Christmas. To tell the truth, I'm not surprised. She was having a tough go of it, and my old sponsor was only annoying her. "I'm giving her another 90 days and then I'm going to figure it out," she said. I told her to hang in there with the sponsor and to call me if she needed anything. I hope she does. She's unemployed, too, and without a license, so it's tough for her to get around.

The meeting was the fifth step from the 12x12. I should be on my fifth step right now. I've got a finished fourth step just sitting there waiting for a sponsor, but I heard something good this morning. A man said even when he sponsors people he doesn't hear their fifth step. "I think it's best done with a member of the clergy or a therapist. I may have experience being sober, but I'm not trained for when people fall apart."

I had been thinking of doing the fifth with a priest anyway. Before I got sober I "did a fifth step," or like we call it in the church, I went to confession. I was serious about it, and told him everything. All the dirty little secrets only I knew. And though he had a little look of shock, he told me that God forgave me, as long as I wasn't going to go back out and repeat myself. I have never felt the grace of God like I did at that momemnt. I felt light and free! I still remember that feeling to this day, and it's been 2 years or so. Maybe 3.

But I do need to find myself a sponsor. I'm not sure where to look for one. I don't know if the club near me will really be a good hunting ground. It's mostly men, and I seem to be hitting all the old biker guy meetings. I want someone older than me, and so this is a good spot to look, but who knows. Time to get serious about it, I suppose!

The power of people

Last week I stayed in and watched my show. This week, I spent 2 days with Adam and went to a meeting. Posts last week: 5. Posts in three days: 15. Hm. Interesting that actually having a life gives me something to write about. It makes me feel better to be around people; to interact. The book says something about a 2's worst day (enneagrams again) is being locked up without human contact. I think that's pretty true of me. I need people. My dad is a loner, so he's no good for human contact. Plus he just talks lately about stuff Glen Beck says, and it's driving me nuts.

Anyway, I need to get out of the house more. I signed up for Meetups on meetup.com. It has some neat groups like running groups, coffee, yoga, young professionals, etc. I did one when I moved out to the other coast and met some nice people. I'd like to start meeting nice people again. I need to cultivate relationships so I'm not dependent on the few I have. I need to learn things you can only learn by getting out there and living. So I signed up. Watch me go, she says sarcastically.

And yes, I'm going to go back to going to meetings. I think if only for the getting to know new people thing it's worth it. And the getting the hell out of the house every now and again. It took having to drink a Red Bull to give me the energy, but now I know I can do it. I can function outside of my pajamas. I can put on my big girl pants and get the hell out of bed to do something. I mean, I knew I could, but it's nice to have proof.

Of course, it's 2am and it's not looking like I'm going to bed any time soon. No big deal, since I didn't get out of bed till 4pm today, but it doesn't bode well for getting out of bed tomorrow before 4pm again. I really need to get the sleep thing in order, but as I told my therapist, it's the only time I feel like I'm alone, and I need alone time. Even just sitting in my room all day doesn't give me the alone feeling, because my door is open and my dad comes in and talks to me. But when he's asleep I have time to think; to be alone.

So I'm going to type more tonight, I'm sure.

Right where I am

"So I said fuck it, I'm done with you people. I've heard all I need to hear: the same old stories, the same old platitudes. I have a ton of literature, I have phone numbers that I use, I have a connection to a higher power, and I journal. What else can you possibly have for me?" And they all laughed. "Damn right!" someone yelled.

"So I took a break. And then this morning my horoscope told me to come back. I didn't want to. Well, that's not true. I needed my 7 month chip. I do love the chips. And so I'm here, and I'm glad. I think that one thing that was missing from my program was this. I need the fellowship. I need to hear your stories, because as similar as they are, they're always different and they always hold some grain of truth I've been looking for. So yeah, I may not want to sometimes, but I'll keep coming back."

George came up to me after the meeting. "You know, you're right where you should be. Everyone feels that way sometimes, especially in their first year. You get this feeling that it's all bullshit, but they tell you to keep coming back, so you do. Just keep coming back through all the crazy."

Rich said, "All you need to do is just not drink and relax. Don't take it all so seriously. You aren't perfect, you just need to make progress, you know?"

"It takes as many months to clean out your brain as it did years to use. So how long did you use?" "Hm," I wondered aloud, "I guess let's just call it 15 years." "And what month are you on?" "7 1/2." "And there you go," George said. "You've got a few more months of complete crazy to get through before it starts to clear up more."

So I'm right where I should be. I'm in the rebellious teenage years of AA membership. Keep coming back, and maybe I'll just start to like it again.

Ah, ye temptresses of the night

It's confession time! It's been hard this week working in the store because we have a really great wine selection, and the owner is really into wine. He offered me a bottle and I told him I didn't drink. "Ah," he said, "My wife doesn't drink either. She said she had enough of it before she met me." I told him that was my thing too: I'd just had enough of it. And I have. But making the signs for the different regions and wines, visiting winery websites, especially of places I've been to before or places like Argentina where I would love to go, makes it hard. Can't you just imagine sitting on a vine covered patio in the cool breeze of the midday sipping a honeysuckle chardonnay and munching on fresh berries? I've done it before, and man was it fun. But I'll never have that moment with wine again.

Well, I shouldn't say never. I'm making the decision not to drink for just today. That's all I can say. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? One day at a time, and all that jazz.

Another thing we have is cigarettes. My job is really dull, and standing there pretty much alone for 6 hours had me staring at the cigarettes thinking, "I could just step out the back door...." But I thought about the taste and how really gross it is. "But if you just get past the first one...," nothing. Nope. Gross.

It's been a month and a half since I quit smoking, 7 1/2 since I quit drinking, and I have no reason to want to go back to either. I think having to think about them and look at them for hours on end kinda sucks, but I'll have to get used to being around things that make me uncomfortable one of these days.

You know what the best thing to do would be? Go to a meeting.

A good place to go

"AA is a helpful framework for creation because there is an entire fellowship of people and a bunch of meetings established for you to go to. An active life in AA can be an answer to the question: “What am I going to do with myself now that I’m not drinking?” Being actively involved in AA can replace the absence of drinking with something meaningful, but it is not the only solution available to you. It is merely a convenient one."

It's true: AA is a place to go to replace the bar. It's a great place to meet people who will give you support in your sobriety. And at times like the holidays, it's a great place to go when you feel you can't go to any other party. A lot of people say spend as much time going to meetings as you did drinking. Use that same time to do something good for yourself instead. As of most of AA's suggestions, it's a good one.

It is awfully convenient considering there are tons of AA meetings all over the place. I mean, there are 5 clubs just in a 10 mile radius of me. They're great places to hang out in and meet with people who have sobriety in mind.

Dr. Adam says

So Dr. Adam says it's bronchiospasm, which is basically a part of asthma, which is causing my cough. Here, check out the details. Apparently it's very common in athletes, especially in the cold. He (who has asthma) says I can use an inhaler beforehand, but the article says I can do simple things like put a scarf over my mouth and nose, or warm up inside before I go out to run. All things I should be doing anyway. I read the symptoms, and I definitely had them, down to the upset stomach. And I blamed it on coffee. Poor coffee. Never did me wrong.

Speaking of Dr. Adam, we had a nice little chat about how he's always telling me what to do in AA and I finally said it, "I'm not as involved because everyone keeps yelling at me and trying to tell me what to do. AA isn't fun anymore." And he said something I didn't expect. "AA is supposed to be enjoyable. You're right. Sometimes it's not fun." He suggested I find some different meetings, which would be what I'm doing could I get my ass to a meeting.

We tend to argue a lot; he even called me bull-headed and argumentative, which I am. But, he's bull-headed and argumentative, too, and he speaks louder than I do, which makes it seem like he's yelling. He'll get really loud and then stop himself, breath really deep, and then try to start over at a lower pitch. Why do I think that's cute? Jesus, I don't know, but it is.

Map my run

I just mapped some runs. (One way)

- From my house to the therapist: 3 miles exactly one direction, 4.21 in the other.
- To the closest AA club: 1 mile.
- To the club that has more meetings: 6 miles (and there's a metro stop next door).

So now I have NO excuses to avoid any of three things: therapy, running, AA. Everything is in running (or even walking) distance from me. It's freaking cold outside, but it's not South Dakota or Canada, it's just cold. I can do it. That's what hats and mittens are for. And running. That will keep me warm.

So tomorrow I'm going to leave an hour early and run to therapy. It should only take me 30 minutes, but I just want to make sure I can get there (in case I wuss out and walk some) and it would be nice to get some coffee before the meet. Also, there's a metro across the street from therapy, so I won't have to run home in the dark.

Holiday drinking doesn't have to be

The holidays are full of alcohol. From Thanksgiving to New Years, there are even drinks created in honor of the season. Egg nog, spritzers with candy canes, flaming shots, and minty creations all hit the scene. Champagne runs free, and many people accompany all of that with their other drugs of choice: coke is out for all to have; even grandma is smoking pot in the basement with cousin Ted. The holidays are just a time of excess.

And a scary time for those of us new in sobriety. This is my first holiday season sober, and I feel like I'm doing just fine - I have no interest in drinking. I haven't in a while. But then, I haven't been presented with a problem, yet. Thanksgiving was booze-free, thanks to my aunt who just didn't bother this year because we were a small crew, and half under 21 or who didn't drink. Easy.

But now we're coming to the two drinking days. I'm hanging out with other family this time, and they are totally going to make nog and crack champagne. They are all great people, and know I'm sober, and will have diet Coke available (and I'll be bringing some), but it will still be hard, I think. I'm so used to having a celebratory glass of wine with dinner, and a few before, and a few after. I'm usually the one who makes the nog in the first place, though I hate the taste.

So I'm doing what they suggest: I'm making alternate plans. I'm plotting out when the meetings are and avoiding holiday parties I don't have to go to. Like my cousin's friends party on Christmas eve. They are nice folks, but I don't really need to be there for them to have fun. I don't NEED to be anywhere for people to have fun, but you know what I mean. So I'm trying to plan an alternate event with Adam where we can hang out and have Christmas. He's alone here (his family is about 1k miles away), and I don't want him to be alone. And, of course, I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to spend a little time with him.

Sober Recovery has a good 12 step program for the holidays (like make an alternate plan or host your own event) which can give you some good ideas. The point is, you don't have to drink to have fun, and you don't have to have fun where there are drinks. You can say no to a party if you don't feel comfortable, and you don't even have to say "it's because I don't drink alcohol." There are a million other reasons, and AA encourages you to say true ones, like I have something else planned, but I also advocate for lying if you have to. "I don't feel well tonight" is a perfectly fine excuse if you think going to an event would make you want to drink.

So stay sober this holiday season. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself to some candy caned themed something non-alcoholic. Like a mocha! Man, I love those Starbucks themed drinks. Some even taste like egg nog, if you're into that kinda thing.

A confession

So I have to admit to you, dear reader, I haven't been to an AA meeting since the week after Thanksgiving. Now, that's only about 2 weeks ago, but that's a long time in the AA world. And I don't have a sponsor to call and keep me on track. That's also a big no-no. I also haven't been running or doing much but sleeping and sitting on the computer. No wonder I'm depressed! So I think I need to switch things up.

Tomorrow morning I'm heading out for a run. I need to do 9 miles (which is going to hurt) to stay on track for my marathon training. I need to get on that, even though it's 36 degrees outside. I have the clothes for it, and I have a treadmill downstairs if I chicken out. There's no excuse.

And I should go to a meeting tonight, but I'm pretty sure I won't. Instead, I'll try to hit the noon meeting that's a block from here. I would have no excuse not to go, even if it snows.

So really, no excuses, I need to fit into my pants and fit back in the things that keep me sober. I need to start back again from the beginning and get back in line.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'll be away from a computer till next week, but I'm sure you have more than enough to catch up on here. I'm headed up north with my family, along with thousands of other travelers. Should be an interesting drive! I hope we take some back roads, on purpose.

I'm a little worried about the drinking that's going to happen. Even my dad drinks on holidays, and he never drinks. It's also the holidays, where I'm used to celebrating with my family. How do you celebrate without alcohol? Will I be comfortable there in the house? Will I be able to keep myself asleep without freezing to death? It's damn cold there in the farmhouse.

I've found an AA meeting in the small town where I'm going (they really are everywhere) on Thanksgiving day, so it should be good. I'll get to spend some time with alcoholics and maybe go to coffee with someone. It will be better to have an hour or two hour break from the drinking going on at the house.

Anyway, happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!

Living in the skin you're in

Someone tonight talked about how they have to live in the skin they're in, and how they need to separate themselves from the skin they used to inhabit. "I know that if I drink, I'll go back to that whore, that person no one wants to be around."

I feel the same way. I feel like I can't go back to that skin. I can't go back to the person I used to be, especially after I've changed so much. And have I changed? Really? In 6 months?

6 months is a long time. A lot can happen. Just look at what's happened since then. I've been given a clean slate. I've lost my job, lost my place, basically lost my dog and my car, lost my dignity through drinking, and moved. That's a ton of stuff to lose. So I've been given a clean slate. I can start all over and not look like an ass around people. I can go to work with my head held up high.

Now, I can be there for the people in my life. I don't have to isolate and hide from them who I really am. I can share with them my life, and be present in theirs. It's nice to start over.

Act out less: Stop drinking

The biggest duh statement yet: "Alcohol is known to cause an increase in impulsive behavior in individuals, which can not only be dangerous for themselves, but for others as well."

Well, no shit Sherlock. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions, and can bring out the wild man or the angry person in you. It can make you act without forethought, as well, as proved by this study. But it's always nice to remind people of this fact. When you drink, you might just do something stupid.

At a meeting last night a woman talked about how she wanted to stop ending up in places and with people she didn't want to. She kept waking up from blackouts with gashes on her car that she didn't know where they came from. Drinking can make you do all sorts of things you didn't think you were capable of or never wanted to do. Ah, the inhibition lowerer. I know that's not a word.