I'm ok, you're ok

I just got an email from a place I interviewed and she had the nicest compliment for me. "I thought you were very grounded and genuinely happy (which is actually hard to come by these days) and you seemed flexible and likely to get along well with just about anyone." Genuinely happy, huh? Man, I'm a good actress!

But I suppose I am generally ok. I'm an optimistic person, and I like to look at the bright side of everything. I suppose that keeps me on the happier side. I have been able to be pretty ok with everything that's happening in my life and the world despite it's challenges. I suppose I could add resilient to all that above.

Maybe it's modern pharmaceuticals, maybe it's me, maybe it's a combination of both.

Separate worlds

"You are not your illness. It's just something you have that flares up every now and again. It's not you." - Julie

I need to learn how to separate me from the bipolar. I tend to think of myself always as ill first, and everything else second. But who am I without the illness? Well, I'm hella optimistic, I can tell you that. I'm in a spot right now where anyone would be depressed, and I'm ok. I really am. I'm confused, and a little torn, but I should be. It's natural to be up in the air about everything when everything is up in the air like it is. But I'm optimistic that it's all going to work out. Everything is going to be fine; better, even.

The horrible, suicidal depression I slipped into the other week isn't me, I have to remember that. It's not who I am, it's just a thing that happens. A flair up. It's like having psoriasis or some other disease where the symptoms present sometimes and you have to fix them with medications, and then they go away for a while. Going off meds always reminds me how much I need them. I mean, look at my posts. I'm suicidally depressed and yet questioning my diagnosis. Dumb. Makes me laugh at how delusional I can get, but scared, too. I need to keep myself on track. It's not ok to go off meds.

Positive self talk

The enneagram book says some more neat things, but they have a list of things a two should tell themselves, and since I'm giving the book back tomorrow I thought I'd write um here for posterity, and such.

"I am as important as everyone else.

It is as important for me to receive love and help as to give them.

I will speak up for what I want.

I do not have to give to be loved.

It is important for me to spend some quality time by myself."

So true, all of these things. I am important, and I have needs that need to be met. I should surround myself with others who will give and not just take. I should start relationships with emotionally available people and not try to save people from something. It talks about codependency in the book, and saving people is a huge 2 thing. I totally do that. I find the lost puppies with anger problems and try to fix them. Look where that's gotten me.

It also says be aware your desire for sex may camouflage your need for attention and approval. That kinda stung when I read it. I know I use sex, but I was never sure for what. I suppose it is just a mechanism for knowing that people like me. Maybe that's why it's so frustrating that Adam won't sleep with me. I can't tell how he feels about me.

Wow, I'm glad I'm in therapy.

Enneagrams

Have you ever done the enneagram tests? They're neat little personality tests where you can find out a little more about how you tick. I'm apparently a 2, which is the helper. We are "motivated by the need to be loved and valued and to express their positive feelings towards others." Sounds about right, maybe. But then I read a book my therapist gave me and it said:

"How to get along with me (a 2):
-Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.
- Share fun times with me.
- Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus on yours.
- Let me know that I am important and special to you.
- Be gentle if you criticize me."

Wow. That's so me. I really need to know I'm loved and needed. It's important to me that others see that I do care, and I want to be here to help. I want them to come to me with their problems; I want to be a shoulder to cry on, an ear to hear their concerns. And man do I get defensive when criticized. I hate it. It makes me think I'm unloved, and I just can't stand it.

It also says twos have trouble asking for what they want, and so become manipulative. Yeah, that's me, too. I have so much trouble even knowing what I want, and I don't usually know until I've manipulated the situation to give me what I think I need. I tend to "rule" other people in order to play out the situation the way I want it. I get frustrated when I'm not in charge. All two-like behavior.

It's funny when some odd little test can pin you down so perfectly. My horoscope does that all the time, too. It just seems to know me. Any book you read about my sign usually has me pretty much pegged. I don't know how.

Adam's mom had a psychic friend who did a map of Adam and my future while we were dating, but she never showed it to us. She said she couldn't let us effect the future by reading it. I have always wanted to know what she saw, because I'm pretty sure it would be right.