I'm ok, you're ok

I just got an email from a place I interviewed and she had the nicest compliment for me. "I thought you were very grounded and genuinely happy (which is actually hard to come by these days) and you seemed flexible and likely to get along well with just about anyone." Genuinely happy, huh? Man, I'm a good actress!

But I suppose I am generally ok. I'm an optimistic person, and I like to look at the bright side of everything. I suppose that keeps me on the happier side. I have been able to be pretty ok with everything that's happening in my life and the world despite it's challenges. I suppose I could add resilient to all that above.

Maybe it's modern pharmaceuticals, maybe it's me, maybe it's a combination of both.

Meds = Happiness?

The picture is right: I don't know how anyone else does it without meds. The world can just be such a disappointing place to live. There are horrible things that happen in the world; horrible, depressing things that make you question the whole purpose of humanity.

But then there are the great things in life: the trees and lakes, the smell of rain, snowflakes that stay on your nose and eyelashes, love. The world can be a beautiful place. And I suppose that's how most people get by: they focus on the good; they have short term memory for the bad. At least, that sounds right to me.

A simple prayer

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next."

Now, we all know the first part, but what about the rest of the prayer? And why don't we say it more often? It's full of good stuff. "Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time." One day, one moment at a time, and really living them, really enjoying every moment and not trying to think of the next one or the next. No strategy, no next steps, but living, truly living the moment. Sure, you need to take time to plan a little, I mean, God's not going to tell you what to wear to work tomorrow, but you know your HP will take care of the big stuff. Just live in that moment and enjoy it for what it is.

Which leads us to taking this "world as it is, not as I would have it." Life isn't here to make us happy. The purpose of life isn't to be happy. Happiness is fleeting. But when you take things as they are and as God or HP is presenting them to you, you can expect to be reasonably happy here on earth. And isn't that all we really need? To be better than miserable? And remember, misery is optional.

So try and say the full prayer sometimes. Remind yourself that it's about living one day at a time, the best you can, and not expecting things to be perfect. Remember, it's all progress, not perfection.

Thanks, Mom

In the past year I've been all over the place. I've been across the world, and across the States. I've been jobless and job-full, and lonely or not. But the one thing I've come to appreciate the most is family. How pat, I know! But really. Without them, I wouldn't have been able to accomplish anything. Especially, my mom.

My mom and I have an interesting relationship. She's bipolar as well, but she's what you would really call nuts. I'm just a little off - I make stupid decisions and get a little kooky, but I've never done a quarter of the things she has.

When I was growing up, it was always "save mom." She would run away to foreign lands, only to end up homeless and then in the local mental hospital. Europe especially doesn't like when you use their systems and you're not part of the Union, so it was off to rescue her and bring her home. Sometimes, she would just wander the streets of the city, usually naked, and get picked up by the police. It was always my duty to rescue her.

But in the past 2 years, she's been stable. So I took a chance. "Mom, will you come out and watch the dog while I'm in Europe?" It was a huge leap of faith for me. Mom would have my car, my dog, my house. Would she burn it down? Would she try to kill herself again and have no one to rescue her? Would she kill my dog? All valid questions 5 years ago. But I let her do it anyway. And you know what? She was fantastic.

Now, she's dog-napped my dog again, and they are having the time of their lives. She's also got my car again, and hasn't crashed it yet (knock on wood). She's living a responsible life. Who would have thunk?

So appreciate I do. I appreciate her taking her meds and becoming the mom I always wanted: the one I don't have to care for, but who will care for me. Thanks mom.

Would you move for a job?

Speaking of jobs, I went to a great session at the conference on job hunting. A friend and colleague of mine was teaching it, and she said something important that really stuck. When she was looking for a job she was living in Florida, and was really just looking in that area. And then someone offered her an interview in NYC. "NYC?" she said, "I don't want to live there!"

But you never pass up an interview. Every single one is a chance to network and hone your skills. Even if you pull out of the interview process, that person is bound to know someone else who is hiring. It's all about the connections you make. So she went. And then she discovered something... she liked NYC. And she got the position. So she moved.

"Don't limit yourself geographically."

And so I'm not. I'm looking all over the coast, even all over the States. At this point I just want a job where I can make a home for myself and maybe build my career instead of just having jobs I hate. It wouldn't really matter where that was, I suppose. I think I was just trying to move home in order to make a change. I love change. But I realize now that I can still be close to home without being geographically close. Sure, it's expensive to fly cross-country, but if that's the price of happiness, then so be it.

Celibacy is a lie

Ok, so I've been lying (on a blog only I read... weirdo). I haven't been celibate for the whole 6 months. I've had sex. I know, I know; it's not a good thing to go against what your sponsor tells you to do, or not to do, and it's bad to lie to her about what you're doing. But I had sex with someone in AA who doesn't want anyone to know about it because he'd be 13th stepping me. So we haven't done it again, and probably won't.

I don't like being his "dirty little secret," though. It makes me feel gross that he doesn't want to expose his behavior to the light. It's kind of selfish and creepy. I mean, what's the problem? You did it, now accept the consequences. But, of course, I'm not doing that either by lying to my sponsor. Adam does this too by saying, "This never happened" when we lie on the couch together or something. Makes me feel dirty.

I also had sex with someone outside of AA. I know! I'm kind of a slut, but they were both people I know really well, and have had sex with before, so it kind of doesn't count. I just couldn't hold out. I'm a sexual being, and 6 months was just too long of a time. I figure as long as I'm not in a relationship everything is cool.

I don't even have any interest in being in a relationship right now. I get my intimacy from Adam (which is probably bad), and I have too much going on to focus on someone else's happiness. I can't even take care of myself right now, much less someone else. Though I do have a lot of time on my hands to go to lunch or dinner.

I'm grateful for you

Here are some good steps to take to be grateful. One of the things she talks about it keeping a gratitude journal, and thinking of everyone in your life, bad or good, as someone to be grateful for.

I'm frustrated in this interview process, but I have to be thankful for the people who have found my resume interesting and are taking time out of their work schedules to meet with me. I'm thankful to them. I'm also thankful for the opportunity to even apply for jobs. There are so many jobs out there that I have options, which is really nice.

I'm grateful to have my dog back. He makes me happy. It's great to cuddle with a small, warm dog on a cold night, and he's always so happy to see me. He's snoring on the couch right now, which is totally adorable.

I'm thankful for the support of my friends and family during this rough time. Everyone has been great, and supports my sobriety as well. People that I tell are all interested in congratulating me, and helping me by not drinking around me, or finding other ways to have fun. I'm definitely grateful for that.

I have a lot of good in my life right now. Sure, finding work is really hard, but I can do it. I'm doing it already.

What is happiness?

There's really a Wiki for everything. From WikiAnswers on how to get over someone: It's not about getting over a person, it's about feeling good about yourself. It's about knowing that you are the most important and you need to be happy. If this other person doesn't feel the same way, it doesn't really matter.

It's about being happy in my skin. I don't hate myself, anymore. Really. I like the way I dress, the way I look on the outside. I like how much more dependable I've become since I quit drinking. I think I'm compassionate and kind. I could work a little more on being a better worker and not so lazy, but that's all going to come as I start to focus more on myself.

So when you take Adam and unemployment/living at home out of the equation, am I happy? I think so (thank you Abilify). I don't want to die, so that's a good thing. I guess I'm not sure what happiness in your own skin really looks like or feels like.

From an interesting short story by Ikeda: "...the secret of happiness lay in building a strong inner self that no trial or hardship could ruin. She saw that happiness for anyone - man or woman - does not come simply from having a formal education, from wealth or from marriage. It begins with having the strength to confront and conquer one's own weaknesses."

To conquer one's own weaknesses. Well, this all relates back to step four, now doesn't it? Finding my character defects and getting the strength or even just willingness to overcome them. Perhaps through this process I will learn what happiness really is.

Happy?

I think I'm actually happy. I miss not having a place, my dog, my car, a job, but I was thinking about it last night: being unemployed isn't so bad. I have a lot of time to run during the day, which is nice because I hate it when the trails are super busy. I ran down to the running store yesterday to grab a new pair of shoes, and all the tourists out on a sunny Saturday were in the road, all sides, all spots. I ended up dodging parking meters and trashcans. But it's ok; that's what makes it fun.

Staying here and not having a place of my own will be good once I get a job. I can save a lot of money and maybe pay off my car. That will make me happy. I hate having to make a car payment. It's so much a month that just goes down the drain. It's all paying off the taxes instead of the principle.

I will be happy to get out of here because my dad talks politics all day, and I try to avoid politics at all costs.

Happiness is but a turn away

Happiness is just around the corner. It's just a matter of finding the right corner. -The Geography of Bliss

At what point in sobriety do you turn that corner? When you have a spiritual awakening? At the point you can give your will and life over to the care of God, as you understand him? After your fourth or ninth step?

I'm happier now, for sure. I don't have to drink, which makes my life so much easier and cheaper. I can sit here on my porch and listen to the band play in the park down the street and not have to have a drink in my hand, and that makes me happy.

But when will my life improve? Now. I can think clearer, I can focus better, I'm not having to sleep my life away. But I am bored. Drinking diet Coke isn't quite the same as having my old buddy wine next to me. It sure would make my posts more creative. But then again, they'd be more incomprehensible and probably spelled wrong.

So happiness is this corner. It's the corner I'm standing on now, the precipice of sobriety, and I've chosen the path towards the light.