Swinging that sword

The speaker this morning talked about how her drinking never had consequences, like DUIs or loss of family, but that she always had a sense of impending doom. She always felt like that sword of Damocles was about to drop on her head. That's how I felt. I knew something would happen. Some day I was bound to get a DUI or something car related like an accident. I may not have become a "rock bottom" drunk, but it was getting to the point where something bad was going to happen, and it was going to rock my world.

As I come up on my anniversary I get more and more grateful for sobriety. I'm glad I found it when I did, too! This past year would have been hell or death if I was still using. I couldn't have made it. Who knows what would have happened. It's just another example of the promises coming true: God doing for me what I couldn't for myself.

A few people have asked what I'm going to do to celebrate for my anniversary. I might be up north, so I don't know. There's a meeting that night, so I'm definitely going to that, but maybe I can find some sober people to take me out to dinner. If I stay here, I think I'll do a marathon meeting day. I'll hit an 8:30am, noon, 5:30pm, and 8:30pm. I suppose sobriety is present enough.

Promises, promises

I've never really understood the promises. I mean, I understand the words, and I can see how they make sense, but there are a few I just don't get yet.

Here they are:

THE A.A. PROMISES

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Self-seeking will slip away. I understand that as the selfishness by which we live our lives will stop. Which is a very good thing, but it seems also that AA is a kind of selfish program. Putting your recovery above all other things (including your partners and children) seems a little on the selfish side to me.

I also understand that a lot of drunks used and abused their bank accounts, and that the bad behavior will stop. But I've always been afraid of economic insecurity even though I'm actually just fine (well, not at the present moment). Since it's not related to my alcohol troubles, will it really go away? Am I just suddenly going to calm down about it? What if I think that's a bad idea? I'm not sure my HP gives a damn about my finances, either.

I like these, though. It's very true that I can put one foot in front of the other and not have to worry about mis-stepping. My memory is coming back very nicely, and if I still smoked I wouldn't have to worry about lighting myself on fire, anymore. There are definitely promises that have come true. We'll see about the others.

My God, make it go away

"Big Book page #50: Once confused and baffled by the seeming futility of existence, they show the underlying reasons why they were making heavy going of life. Leaving aside the drink question, they tell why living was so unsatisfactory. They show how the change came over them. When many hundreds of people are able to say that the consciousness of the Presence of God is today the most important fact of their lives, they present a powerful reason why one should have faith."

So you are saying that once I get back with my God I'll like myself. Interesting. I do feel more at peace when I commune with God, but what happens the other 23 hours of the day?

The promises

"To read your own mind is to look at your self and read your soul. Hatred becomes love and that is the path I am working on." According to Richard Gere.

Ok, so working on my soul will make me like me? Is that what you're saying, Richard? I think it's what AA is saying, too. If I work with my higher power and develop a spirituality, things will get better. The promises will be fulfilled; I'll like myself. The AA promises:

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

Sometimes slowly. I hope not too slowly.