Checking for the refill

So I have about 40 minutes before I have to leave to go see the doc, and I'm trying to get my brain together. What do I feel? How am I? Am I depressed? Manic? Neither? What's really going on? And you know what? I have absolutely no idea. I mean, I'm tired as hell - which could be the Celexa or could be the lack of Abilify - and all I want to do is sleep. I'm getting fat, which is pissing me off. I'm still unemployed, which is also pissing me off. And nothing is changing. It's all still the way it was months ago. But hey, I'm not suicidal! Hooray!

What do I tell the man, then? Well, I've started having the energy to brush my teeth, which is a good sign. When I'm depressed the teeth are the first things to go. I'm sure I'm going to have major trouble with them when I'm older. Sometimes I wish for a little teeth brushing OCD but it never happens. I have a friend who was a meth head and that was his quirk. He has great teeth.

Back to me. I'm able to get up and get dressed everyday. I'm showering and putting on clean clothes that look nice. I took a trip. If anything, it's a low-level depression. And I think it's all situational. I'm pissed and depressed for really good reasons.

It's only been 2 days without the Abilify and I can't identify differences besides being really tired. I'm not sure he's going to give me more of it. He may increase the lithium, which would suck, I think. I already don't like it. It makes my stomach hurt if I don't eat with it, which I forgot to do this morning, and it makes me really thirsty. Damn salt.

Maybe he won't do anything. We shall see.

Sanity comes with a price tag

"Well, would you rather be sane and fat or psychotic again?"

That's the first time he's used the word psychotic. He used it again later in the conversation in reference to how I was the last time I saw him, exactly a week ago. Suicidal, having delusions of things out to get me, anxious, depressed, amped, and crawling out of my skin. Psychotic. It hadn't occurred to me that it could have gotten that far. I mean, I wasn't jumping off the balcony, but I was thinking about it a lot. I wasn't seeing ghosts, yet. But he called me psychotic. He's the doctor.

"I'd rather not be fat," I said. "I lost 40lbs last year and I feel like the Zyprexa has made me gain 10 back. I can't fit into my pants. It's going to make me depressed."

So, we compromised: back on the Abilify. He had some in the magic closet, so I got a months worth of free stash. I start tonight; out with the Zyprexa. The Abilify before didn't cause any side effects and it almost immediately popped me out of that depression, so I'm hoping it keeps me moving in the right direction. And that I'll stop with this insane craving to eat; to chew. It really is a compulsion that I can't control. I start to shake if I don't eat for 2 hours or longer. I've just been grazing for days, like a goat. Bloated goat.

"Ok, I'll see you in three weeks, but you call me if anything happens, ok?"

Did you know that without insurance it's $85 for a 15 minute visit to your psychiatrist? I think that's on the cheap side, too. But hell, it's less than what I would pay for that much Abilify.

"Thanks, doc."

A bipolar's daughter

I just sat down with my dad to try and think of some of my manic/depressive episodes. "Where did it start?" I wondered aloud. "Well, I think it was after mom got diagnosed. But what's funny is you would be in a bad mood and then I would take you out and you would be fine. It was always only around her."

It was always her. She was always the reason for my moods; she could bring me up or drag me way down. My dad would find me hiding in the closet cowering from her, or we would be 100s of miles away at the beach (and before the cell phone era, this was called disappearing). She would let me sleep in and skip school, or I would run away and hide in the woods. It was always her: my moods were in reaction to her.

So maybe she was diagnosed first, but I remember wanting to go to the psychiatrist when I was 14. I had already been a cutter for a long time, and I was starting to get really "crazy." I can't remember what that felt like, I just remember being worried about myself. Maybe I was really worried about her and just projecting? Maybe I was fine?

Maybe I AM fine. My suicide attempt came after a huge hormonal flux for my body, coupled with a huge amount of alcohol and a shitty life at the time. My next big episode happened when I was unemployed last time, and I tended that with food and copious amounts of alcohol. And this time? I'm unemployed, again, and my situation would make anyone depressed.

Really. Maybe it's all ok? Maybe it's situational? Maybe she's the one with the disorder and I've just got "symptoms" that show up in times of crisis?

Yeah, yeah, I know

Ok, ok. So as usual it didn't take me long to figure out that I'm perfectly fine when sitting here safe in front of my computer, but out in the real world... I'm a fucking mess without my meds. I admit it: I have bipolar disorder. 16 years and 5 psychiatrists weren't wrong. I am on the verge of a breakdown, and tonight showed me just how close. I couldn't even get out the words, "I need a sponsor," without crying. That's pretty bad, since I don't cry, and NEVER in public. I'm what you might call stoic (except around Adam, but that's because frustration makes me cry, and boy is he frustrating).

So yeah, I'm patiently waiting till Thursday when the doc and I can have a conversation about what drugs to try me on. I don't want to do lithium or Zyprexa, but I'm willing to try out other stuff I've been on before to see if new combinations work better. I'm going to go into this new phase like I'm going into sobriety: with honesty.

Sometimes I just want my doc to feel like he's doing a good job, so I'll lie and say the meds make me feel better. A lot of the time I don't think they're doing anything, but I get confused as to what normal feels like, and I don't want to disappoint the doc by not getting better. Well, that doesn't help me, now does it?

I'm going to keep it together till Thursday and then I'm going to be honest throughout the process. Remind me on Wednesday how much I need this, or I'm sure I'll try to convince myself out of it again.

Go get your teeth cleaned

"Alcohol and tobacco use increases the risk of type 2 diabetes."

I worry about diabetes all the time. It runs in my family, and I know already that my meds can cause diabetes. So now I know my drinking and smoking can up my odds of getting diabetes. Since I've quit drinking, and after that period of craving sweets, I wonder how much my blood sugar has gone down? It was never high, but it was on the high side of normal. Once I quit smoking, I wonder if it will go down even more.

I'm supposed to have blood tests every 6 months, and I think I'm coming up on it. I'm also coming up on dentist appointments and gynecologist appointments. I've got to get back to those soon. I like to get tested for cancer every year, instead of the every 2 they suggest for women my age. I have so many risk factors with the heavy drinking and smoking and the family history. They also say when you quit smoking to go to the dentist and get your teeth cleaned. Sometimes seeing just how clean they are can deter you from smoking.

It sucks not having insurance that will cover this stuff. I have these doctors already, but I'm sure it will be really expensive without insurance. I want to get back on birth control eventually, and not smoking will reduce my risks of health problems related to that, too.