The horoscope speaks for me

"For Sunday, November 21 -If anyone is famous for being able to withstand anything and everything with compassion, understanding and sensitivity, it's you. You're usually quite able to keep your temper under wraps, too. At the moment, however, it won't be easy for you to hide anything you feel, for better or worse. You'll also surprise everyone around you with your reactions. If you're accused of overreacting, hang in there. Just because they're not used to seeing you this way doesn't mean you're not justified."

Why is my horoscope always right? I don't feel like pretending anymore. I don't feel like kidding myself that it's all fine - that I know this too shall pass, that everything is going to be alright. Lots of people spend a lot of time in unemployment. My friend Sam has been unemployed for 2 years! Tim has been unemployed for 3! Sam had to declare bankruptcy, twice. I don't want to go there. I don't want to have to sell my car, or sell all my stuff in storage because I can't afford the $200 a month fee anymore. I could cash in my 401k and my money market accounts and live comfortably for years, but I don't want to do that, either.

I'm so worried about all of this. I just don't have any idea how it's going to turn out, or maybe, when it's going to turn out alright.

What's inside may scare you

I'm obviously still not doing anything at work.

"... I asked my sponsor, 'If saying the words doesn't turn my will and my life over to God, how do I do it?' He smiled and said, 'That's what Steps Four through Twelve are: the way to turn our whole lives - past, future, and present - over to God.'"
- A Hunger for Healing, p. 53

I think step three is about making peace. You make that decision, and make peace with your ego: you're not in charge, now let's take some actions guided by your higher power in order to keep that decision moving. Steps four through twelve are all about acting in the same way steps one through three are about thinking it through. You make decisions in the first steps. Yep, I'm not in control. Yep, something else is. Yep, I can ask him for help.

In step four you start to do, really DO, the steps. Making a fearless and thorough moral inventory of ourselves. Fearless, eh? Sometimes it's really scary to look at your defects. It takes a lot of courage to see what's really inside you and to not run away screaming. Someone today said step four was like wiping the fog off the mirror after your shower. You can see into the glass and your reflection shows just who you really are.

I did a little exercise in therapy once where we peeked inside my head looking for my inner self. I saw her, and I was so scared I had to jolt myself out of it and ask the therapist to stop. She was really frightening! It was like looking at a rabid and snarling child, dressed in rags and afraid of the sun. I never wanted to see her again, but now I know I have to. We have to face each other, and I can be afraid. I just have to do it.

I'm prepared to take this step. I'm excited, actually. I have no idea what character defects I'll find, and I know it's going to be scary, but I'm ready. I need to unload this baggage and prepare myself for the next step in my spiritual growth. It's time to move on.