A higher power in the solstice

The total eclipse tonight was pretty cool. Click here to see NASA's photo stream from Flickr. It was pretty amazing to see that big rock just sitting there in the sky. It looked like it was just hanging there "Like a balloon," my dad said. It makes you think about planets, rocks, gravity, and the expansive nature of the universe.

There's so much out there that we can't possibly be the only sentient-life-formed-filled planet. There has to be other places where souls exist in some form or another. A place where they've come up with their own higher powers. Where they watch total eclipses and think of rocks and gravity, even if they haven't discovered gravity yet. Or did way before we did.

So why would a higher power give a shit about us? Well, maybe when you think like that, you just have to think "higher" doesn't mean "smarter" it can just mean bigger. Something out there is bigger and more important than you. And that's an easy one to see. It's pretty obvious we're little and the world revolves around something other than us. If you believe in the bigger not necessarily wiser version of a higher power, you still have to admit that the laws of physics know more than you do, and the universe is incredibly smarter in it's constant turnings and twistings to keep life forms alive and giant rocks flowing in different patterns.

Whatever you think a higher power is, it made a pretty good show tonight. Happy solstice!

What's the itinerary?

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Ohhh, I like this:

"I've often said that I'm definitely okay with God's plan for me, as long as he slips an itinerary under the door every day so I know what it is.

Today, there's no schedule, so I'll just have to go on faith."

Thanks, Ed. It looks like he doesn't post much, but when he does it reads well.

I have so much trouble with the third step. Or I suppose I don't. I just say it every day: I'm not in control here, something else is. I have nothing to do with the outcome, I can only do the steps needed to make something happen.

It's all about the search

"When it comes to God, it's not about the finding, it's about the seeking."

I talked to one of my pigeon sisters this morning, and she went to a meeting where they talked about the chapter about agnostics. She's a former Catholic and hasn't come to terms with the praying and higher power yet. She only has 13 days, so I told her it will come. She can always use the group as her higher power until she figures it out.

I like that it's the seeking. I've heard that from priests and nuns all my life. It's not about belief, it's about the questioning. It's about the looking into something and trying to find out what it means to you. I'm pretty lucky that I knew exactly where to turn when AA spoke of a higher power. I've always talked to God, even when I didn't believe in the church, I always believed there was something out there greater than me.

My goal now is to trust: to turn it over and let God have control. I come back to the third step daily. I have so much trouble just letting it go.

His will for us

Just went to a fantastic meeting with a good friend. She was so funny. "I wanted to point out across the room: gay, gay, gay, I don't know, gay." She was trying to make me feel more at home from where I came from, even though I'm not gay.

The women talked about the second part of the 11th step, praying only for His will for us and the power to carry that out. I keep praying for His will for me. I am trying to practice patience again, and just wait to see what God has planned for me, instead of using my ego and forcing my will on everything.

A lot of women talked about how they've had trouble lately with work and letting go. A lot of people were also unemployed or had other issues going on in their lives. It's kind of nice sometimes to know I'm not alone in this.

So God's will. What is His will? Obviously it's for me to have interviews, but we'll see which one turns out. Should I take the first one offered to me as a sign of His will, or should I wait for the one I want? I hope His will is for me to get a good job I like, that I can stay in for a couple of years.

It works if you work it

"Faith without works is dead."

You have to work this program. God can give you the tools, but you've got to use them. One of the great tools is listening to other people tell their stories - really listening to them instead of being up in your head about it.

"Your brain isn't there to think," said one guy tonight. "I thought, 'I'm an intelligent girl, I shouldn't have to ask anyone else,'" said another girl.

I think I'm an intelligent girl. This month has been about asking for help when I need it. I have been calling people when I'm feeling crazy, or asking my parents for help with my life. I've been networking with people to help find a job. I've been reaching out for the first time in my life. I'm listening to God, and using the tools that He gave me. And I'm trying not to think too much. I need to shut up the committee that's telling me I'm stupid and useless, and shiftless. I need to just listen to God and move along at His pace. I'm intelligent, yes, but I need His help to be a better person. I've got to give up being the director, and let Him take charge.

Free falling

Step three is a free fall, they say. "When we truly accept our powerlessness over life, we discover that there is only falling." Rami Shapiro, Recovery. You learn that hitting rock bottom is just breaking through the ego and learning that you're falling, and there is no bottom. You just have to trust that there is something out there bigger than you that's going to control your fall.

That's a scary thought. To be free falling through life. But I suppose it's pretty true. But through step three, "We are given a peaceful knowledge that we are alright and our lives will proceed as they should, if we just keep letting go." Marya Hornbacher, Sane.

Every day I work on letting go. I'm not sure if I like the free falling metaphor, but perhaps the walking blindly through life. You can touch and feel things around you, and respond to them, but what's leading you is that inner something, that feeling that you're going in the right direction.

So how do you give it up to your HP? By remaining powerless and, according to Marya, just doing the next right thing.

Expectations on the rise

"'When you let go of the way you believe things are supposed to be, you free yourself from negativity....the perpetual disappointment, doubt, and frustration that come when things don't turn out as you thought they would,' I realize that is where I need to shift my focus starting right now. I am only feeling self-doubt because my expectations of people, places, and things are off the chart. I can only control my actions and no one else's, and really in the end, it is god's will, not mine, that is in charge."

Words of wisdom. My expectations for this interview are really high, and I'm putting a lot of weight on it. But when I let go and let God take charge, I can begin to relax a little. There's nothing I can do any longer to effect the outcome of the process. I just need to be patient and be happy whichever way it turns out.

Talked to Emily today about moving, and she thinks it's a really good idea. She was one of the people who convinced me to move here in the first place, and now she thinks I've been here long enough. Funny girl. It'll be nice, because I'll be closer to her and able to meet her baby. Important stuff.

So I'm going to relax and try not to think about it at all this weekend. I'm going to a national park in Montana to hike and check out the scenery. I need to focus on where my feet are, not where my head is.

I'm awake

I don't want to be awake. I want it to be tomorrow. I want to wake up and hear the news, and then start putting everything into motion.

Adam said to me tonight, "It's in God's hands now." And he's right. There's nothing I can do about the outcome, except put on a good face for tomorrow's interview. I just have to be my regular professional self on the phone,and tell the truth about my qualifications for the position. With God's help, I'll do a good job. With patience, I'll get through this.

Obviously I still need to practice step three a lot. Give it up. Give the outcome over to God and just do your best. That's so damn hard! It's hard not to force my will on a situation and jump the gun. I have boxes and bubble wrap here, and all I want to do is pack! I just want to wrap my plates and blender in bubble wrap. I just want to take things down from the walls and patch the holes. I want to tell my slumlord that I'm outta here!

I want, I want, I want. I need, need, to just relax and let things happen as they will. Let go and let God.

The undercutter

Been working on the resentment list. I think I've gotten all I can think of down on paper. It's interesting, because now when I get upset I tend to think about why I'm getting resentful, and if it's worth my energy to do so.

There's a woman at work who is really smart and good at what she does, and her input is always well thought out, but I hate it. She always seems to have better questions for the boss than I do, and sometimes takes my ideas and expands on them in a way where they sound like her ideas. She usually apologizes or asks if I'm ok with what she's said, but I feel like she's undercutting me. So what's this resentment?

I always worry I'm not smart enough. I think I'm not really a capable person (though this has been disproved many times), and so I worry when others are smarter than I am in some area of my life. It makes me nervous that they're exposing me for the fool. It's the exposure of my soft underbelly.

How do I deal with these feelings? I hide and don't work. I try to ignore work instead. I always get my projects done, and usually early, but I spend as much time as I can avoiding the potential to look like an idiot.

So what can I do about it? What's the character defect I have to work on? Besides my anxiety and low self-esteem, I need to work on not projecting my issues onto other people. I need to learn that being vulnerable is sometimes ok. So I'll ask God to help me with these things, and hope that I can learn to be a stronger person and a better worker.

Just let it go

I am having so much trouble turning my will and my life over, yet I'm not. I know this job thing is something that He's going to take care of in his own way and time, but I'm so impatient! I just want to know now, whether that's a yes or a no. I don't want to waste more time sitting here if I could be packing, renting an apartment, or even transferring my mail. There's so much to do when you move, especially when you move cross-country, and I'm a planner. You can't really plan when you don't know the plan.

And I think that's the point of step three. Turn your will and your life over to the care of God: stop planning so much. Sure, everyone needs to know their next three steps in order to do the things they need to do, but let God tell you the ultimate destination. It's all in His hands, anyway. Best laid plans, and such.

So I'm trying to make a concerted effort to keep saying, "God? You know I want this, but I'll wait for you to tell me one way or another. Please don't take too long." Why? Because no matter what, I'm still impatient. Character defect #1.

To the newcomers

I know I'm still new, but I remember being really new. Being there in the room and saying: I'm an alcoholic. I wasn't sure I believed what I was saying. I mean, I believed I was an alcoholic, but I couldn't believe I was actually saying it to a room full of strangers.

There were a lot of newcomers in the meeting tonight, so we talked about the first three steps. They were pretty hard. Admitting you're powerless and insane is hard to do. "But I've been able to take just one drink..." you think. And then you think back on it. Could you, really? I sure couldn't. I had to take more than one, more than 10. I couldn't stop. That's powerlessness.

And it was driving me insane. I couldn't stop. I drank for grief, I drank for anger, I drank because the sun was up, because the sun was down, because I was off work, and I always wanted a beer at lunch, even during work. It's hard here, because there is alcohol everywhere. Every restaurant has a liquor license. There's wine at every store. There's all my haunts on every corner. I know going home won't solve that, my old haunts are there, too. It's just time that will make those places lose their powers.

Step three is still a challenge. Every day I have to tell myself: turn it over. It's not your decision. It's hard to do. All you want to do is take over the wheel, to be selfish. Someone said tonight, "I don't think much of myself, but I'm all I think about." It's so true. Alcoholics, and I think really everyone, is only concerned with themselves. People are inherently selfish, because we're all worried about our own role in the world. We worry what others think of us, what we look like, how we sound, etc.

And that's what AA can do: make you less selfish. AA helps you think of others, and stop pondering yourself all the time, but lets you think about your role in things and how to make yourself better. It's a nice combination of inward and outward reflection.

Big Book rocks

I keep staring at my inbox hoping for another email from a company asking for an interview. I know, 2 out of 10 is pretty good, but I like having options. And I like giving interviews.

I've given this decision up to God. There is a life for me here if I need it, but I know I need to go home at some point. I've got to face the music. I ran away to the other side of the country to try and get some peace, and I learned to do that.

Today in the meeting we read "Gutter Bravado" on page 501 of the Big Book. The guy talks about running away from home to get his drink on, and that's just what I did. I know that I need to learn to live with the people I ran from, and that my life will be better if I can do that.

So I'm asking God to make the decision for me: stay or go. Whichever happens, I'm good with it. I'll keep applying to places, but he'll pick which one picks me.

I'll laugh, God plans

In the meeting tonight someone said her sponsee once told her that God laughs while we plan. She didn't like that, God laughing at her, so she changed it. "I'll laugh, God plans."

God (or HP) has plans for us that we can't even imagine. He is willing to do for us what we can't do for ourselves, and often has things in our future that we never thought were possible. He gives us things we don't think we deserve, but we do. God takes care of us.

I've been thinking a lot about moving jobs, and I've been applying to some in my hometown, and some here. I've found a perfect one in each place, so I've applied and now I'll sit back and let God work. If I don't get either, that's ok. It's all going to be alright. I have a job, and it's a pretty good one, too, in some respects. And if He decides that it's time for me to move back home, He'll let me know. Every year I apply to positions back home, but they've always fallen through. I know now that God was trying to tell me something: I wasn't ready yet. I needed to grow more, in a way that I could only do here. He put me in a position where AA meetings are two blocks from work, and 4 blocks from home. He knew it was coming, even when I didn't.

So sit back and laugh while you let God do the planning for you.

We are not saints

I really like that, in How It Works: No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints.... We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.

I thought I was a saint as a kid. I thought I did everything right. I was always striving for perfection. Oh to be perfect! Then everything would be right with the world. But perfection isn't something we can even strive for - it's not achievable. No one will ever be "perfect." There are a million different interpretations of what that is, and yours is definitely different from mine. We all can attempt to be the best people we can be, and with God's help I will strive for goodness and Godliness in all that I do.

But I'm no saint. I'm going to mess up; that's just how life is. I'm going to have my bad days where I develop resentments against the people who don't use their blinkers when they're turning (I HATE that!). I'm going to get mad at the people I love, and worry things to death. I'm not perfect.

The point is, I'm willing to grow along spiritual lines. I'm willing to take this program and apply it to my life. I have the willingness.

And that's step three.

Wave the white flag

"Surrender as much of yourself as you understand to as much of God as you understand."

That's a nice way to look at it. As much of myself as I understand. I sure as hell don't understand everything yet, or anything for that matter, except that I have an obsessive personality and I need help. If I can just surrender these two things now, I'll be on the path to sobriety.

Surrender: to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)

Surrender is the letting go of yourself over to your higher power and letting Him/She/It/Doorknob have control. You are not in control. I have to keep reminding myself of that. That no matter how I hold on to control and grasp with all my might, I'm not really in control of anything. It doesn't matter how hard I hold on, I'm already not in control, so I just need to let go and trust.

The process of turning it over

So what does it mean to turn your will and life over to the care of God, as you understand him? What are the practical aspects of that?

According to some, the way that manifests itself, besides trusting in God, is to attend more meetings, provide service, pray, and call your sponsor. I already attend about 2 meetings a day, so I've got that one covered. I have a service position with my home group on Sunday mornings. I try to call my sponsor but she's never around. And praying. Ahh, how to pray.

Everyday I read some sort of literature from AA. I try to read Daily Reflections and something from As Bill Sees It. Sometimes I forget, but I do talk to God daily. I ask for his protection for the ones I love, and pray that he'll look after me.

So is this really turning it over or is there another step to this? Don't I have to moment by moment say to God, "your will not mine?" And that's the super hard part. But how do you practice that in daily life? I'm sitting here at my desk getting stuff done, and my will is telling me that I'm tired and should go home. But what is God's will? Is he telling me to go home by making me super tired, or would he want me to stay and keep my job? Does God care if I quit smoking? Is it God's will that I go get a sandwich for lunch?

I suppose the little things aren't things you turn over, but it seems like if you're turning over your will and your life, it should be everything, not just the big stuff. We'll have to see how this manifests itself. This is going to get annoying, but "more will be revealed."

Made a decision

"The other two words that are important to understand are the words WILL and LIVES. The words "will" and "lives" are concepts way over our head and are way too large to relate to or comprehend. But these words can be better understood by explaining that our will is our thinking and what motivates us, and that our life is all the actions that we've taken up to this moment. So the Third Step can then be reworded as saying that I decide to take the actions necessary to turn my motivations, my thinking, and my actions over to the care of God as I understand Him." -Barefootsworld.net

I like looking up stuff, like how other people understand the steps. If it weren't almost midnight, I would probably call another alcoholic to see how they took step three. As a lot of literature says, it's not that we turned it over, it's that we made a decision to turn it over. You don't have to do it all at once, right this very moment.

So let's make this decision, Anne. Let's decide right now that you really don't have control, that something else does, and that maybe, just maybe, He can help. He can take control of our lives and the outcome of situations. Let this decision color your world.

Ok, God. You got it. I know I've made my life unmanageable; out of control. So I'm making a decision. It's your turn, now. You show me the way, and I'll take it. What's that you're saying? Go to bed and stop writing posts? Good idea.

Your will is strong, young Jedi

"Self-will is a form of fear, while willingness is a form of faith." Sane - Marya Hornbacher

self-will (slfwl)n.
Willfulness, especially in satisfying one's own desires or adhering to one's own opinions.

"I'm the piece of shit the world revolves around." Kristen

Self-will is pretty damn strong. Don't we all think the world revolves around us? You may not think you do, but look deep. We're all out to satisfy our own needs, and sometimes without regards to the needs of others.

I've always been an "other" focused person, worrying more about their needs than mine. At least I thought so. But I worry about me all the time. I worry about how my life is going to fall into place, and I worry about how I'm going to keep my sanity. I don't think that's self-will run riot, because it doesn't hurt others, but sometimes it hurts me, so that must be "riot."

I'm still not sure I can apply "self-will run riot" to my life, but as they say, more will be revealed.

One moment at a time

When I was 11 I offhandedly told my dad that when I was with my mom I was in control. I knew then that she was out of control. So I developed a way to control my surroundings in order to keep myself safe. I developed a way to control her, as well. I kept that control all my life and plotted out every moment before it happened. I have spreadsheets detailing the pros and cons of things, the steps I need to take (even the 12 steps), and my five year plan.

So step three has been pretty hard for me. I can accept that there is a power greater than myself. I can accept that he's in charge, and that I am His tool to make things happen. I know I am just a vessel.

But it's giving up that control that takes me some time. I've stopped trying to control my mom, and I feel peace in that relationship. When I was able to give up control of the outcome of Adam's visit, I felt incredible peace with the moment. I was able to just take it one day at a time.

So I need to do that with my sobriety. One day at a time, one moment at a time, I need to be able to give it up to God and stop trying to take control over everything. I need to recognize that having my own five year plan isn't feasible, because God has his own idea about how it's going to go. I have no control over the outcome of situations, I can just make sure I get into good situations by not drinking.

I know that things will work out the way they're supposed to.

How it works

"Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely." How It Works, Alcoholics Anonymous

I went to two meetings yesterday, and at each meeting I was asked to read How It Works. I figure there must be something in there that was supposed to speak to me. Was it the steps? Was it letting go absolutely? I'm having real trouble with letting go ABSOLUTELY. I can let go of certain situations, but absolutely? Let go of my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understand him? But we claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. I don't have to get it all right just now; I have to have a willingness to do it, and that's all.

But holding on to my old ideas. What does that mean? Does it mean I think my life won't change? I haven't seen it change much yet, except for the feelings, but I know it's coming. Will I start to hang out more with my AA friends than with my other friends? Will I become more judgmental of people who drink? Will I ever stop smoking?

What are my old ideas: that alcohol was a cure for feelings; that you could run away; that everything was just going to be fine as long as I was in control. I have to realize I'm not in control, and I never was. I have to let something bigger than me have the power to lead my life. I have to learn to turn it over to God, and to trust. Ah, trust. I have to learn to trust something and people. I only half trust folks, and never really with myself absolutely. Amazingly, there is one person I trust with it all, but I hate the feeling of vulnerability that comes with it. I'm not good at being open and vulnerable. I'm always waiting to be hurt, because my experience shows it always comes.

Perhaps that's another idea I have to let go of. I have to trust people with myself and show my vulnerability. I called my sponsor last night and asked for help. I think that's a big step in the right direction.

"The Third Step does not say, "We turned our will and our lives over to the care of God". It says, 'We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him'." NA, Chapter 4

I can make a decision. I can make this decision to trust.