The plan 2

Ok. I need a plan for when I feel like this. Who can I call? Who do I reach out to? When I think of names all I can think of are the reasons why I shouldn't call them.

So wait, maybe what I need to decide is what's best for me when I feel like that? What do I want? Jesus, I don't know. I don't want to leave the house because I start to get paranoid about accidents and metro cars. I start getting really scared of accidental death and dismemberment. I know it doesn't make sense to be suicidal and yet scared of something happening, but that's what happens.

I don't know what I would want from people, so I don't know the right person to call. I suppose having the person in the same general vicinity is a good right step. Someone who can get to me. Yeah, being with someone else is good. Being alone is bad.

Sleep is good. Sleep is less confusing. I'm all confused, now. My brain is just all up in arms. Nothing is making sense, and it's giving me a headache. I'm starting to feel crazy again, and I haven't even had any caffeine. Time for more Seroquel.

I'm awake: I'm asleep

Called the doc and the secretary told me no more than 50mg of Seroquel, so I took half my 25mg pill and immediately laid down to take a nap. I woke up to Adam calling 3 hours later. He came over and took me out to get a burger (which was tasty), and invited me to come stay with him tonight. "I'm worried about you." Don't worry. I have a plan: Seroquel, sleep, showers, work, meetings. All will keep me busy.

I'm worried about leaving the house. I hate when that happens, because it usually means I'm going to have a panic attack. I get a little phobic of "the world" in general, especially having to function in it, but I'll be just fine. I have to get out and do things. I have to. I can't just sleep till magically drugs start working.

I'm not even making sense in my head. I hope some of that made sense. And I'm having trouble typing. I'm misspelling things and my fingers are all over the keyboard. I hate this. I hate feeling this way and having to take the big guns to make me feel like I can at least partly function. I'm still buzzing, but I'm not crawling out of my skin like I was this morning.

I'm going to go back to bed.

I'm so lazy

I went back to bed. When my dad got home from his walk he came in and woke me up. "Anne, you've been in bed all day!" "I know," I said, "But I took that Seroquel." Which is totally true. I've been so sleepy all day. I just want to lie down, still. I should really go for a run. I still have my running clothes on.

Good news! I have an interview in the new year, and a phone interview sometime this or next week (he asked when I was available). The one in the new year is for something I wouldn't be as enthusiastic about, but it's something I've done before and it's a step in the right direction.

There I am getting my hopes up again. I already had 11 interviews and nothing has come from any of them, and now I'm getting my hopes up about 2 little interviews, one just a phone interview. I don't want to get all excited, but they're both here near everyone I want to be close to. I would love the job up north, but one of the jobs here is the same title and more money. So we'll see. Hopefully the new year will bring something great, and soon!

Seroquel

I took some Seroquel last night so I would sleep through the night, and it worked, but now I feel like I need to sleep through the day, too. I'm so tired! It just knocks me down like a tranquilizer. I made the mistake of taking a whole one, too.

So I woke up, put on my running clothes, and am ready to go for a run to wake myself up. Will I do it? Only time will tell. I sure hope so. I put on my indoor running clothes (shorts) cause I'm sure as hell not going back out there in 37 degree weather to run up the hill. I'm not sore or anything, but it gave me that cough I can't seem to rid myself of.

Adam called last night just to talk. He didn't have much to say, just wanted to talk and have someone listen. I like to do that. I like to be able to listen to someone and not have to proffer advice.

Ugh, I can't stop yawning! Time to go back to bed.