It has nothing to do with you

I just remembered something while I was writing that last post. We were talking over dinner, and I don't remember the context, but Adam said that if he were to make a move on me he would be shunned by his community because I don't have a year yet. A light kind of went off for me, then. It's not about him being on a white horse, like he says, it's about being a member of a community and living by the social rules. Without them, things fall apart, and in order to remain an upstanding member he has to play by the rules. And the rules say don't mess with people of the opposite sex who have less than a year in the program.

Good. Again, it's not about me. It has nothing to do with whether he even feels like that about me or not. And things could change in 4 months. Who knows? Maybe by then I'll be dating someone else, or maybe we'll have decided friendship is the best route. Or whatever. I can't tell the future. I just have to let go of any idea of he and I together. I need to let it go. It's just not going to happen any time soon, so I have to stop looking for reasons it should.

He also asked me if I had ever just dated. I don't like when he suggests I date, because it sure feels like rejection, but now that I realize that I have to get over it it doesn't need to matter anymore. I have dated, and I was fine with it. It was entertaining, though nothing really came from it. I did find a new friend. (This was last year.)

Ramble, ramble. Anyway, it's time to go to bed. Let's see if that happens.