Ambitious

She said it in a matter of fact voice; a matter of fact thing: "I run from the things that scare me. I just learned it. When something makes me uncomfortable I sink into depression, I withdraw from others, I take that pain inside. But at least it takes less pain now to make me realize what I'm doing."

I thought Nicole was so right. When something is wrong I sleep more, I sink into depression, I withdraw. And I don't know if it's the depression that comes first or the pain, but I'm starting to think it's the pain.

Losing your job hurts. It doesn't just hurt for a second, no, that's just the initial sting, like a scorpion. But then it aches, and the aching doesn't just fade. It stays with you, like a migraine. And eventually, all the lights, the good things in your life, just hurt, too. Eventually everything hurts and it's all too much, and then there you are - in depression.

So here I am. I'm grateful for a lot of stuff, but it just seems the more I'm grateful the less happy I am. It's not having the desired effect. And I think it's because I'm a snob. I think maybe, just maybe, losing my job and not being able to find one is a lesson I'm supposed to learn. Maybe my HP knocking me down a peg. See, I wouldn't ever date a guy who lived at home (didn't care the circumstances), I would look down on people without even thinking about it like that. I would spend money carelessly on things like blenders and gourmet foods because I could afford it. And now that I can't even buy cheap groceries, I'm remembering what a farce expensive food stores are. How silly it is to eat out all the time.

I think I'm supposed to be learning a lot more from this season of my life than I've been getting out of it. Working in the store has taught me, again, the value of work. It's good to have a job, any job, and when someone asks you to do it, and really counts on you, you have to get it done. There's no messing around and ignoring your projects in a job like mine. I don't get to come in and sit at my desk and check Facebook. I have to do the laundry, and code the packages, and price the new products. He's counting on me.

So I'm relearning the value of work, and real work. Not desk work, but actual labor. And I'm remembering how much more I enjoy it than desk work. If I could make the money I made sitting at a desk by doing retail work I would take it in a heartbeat. I'd rather be on my feet greeting customers, running the register, refolding products instead of staring at a computer screen and being bored out of my mind.

Maybe I should just take a part time gig and then work retail. Maybe that's the best way to go about this. Maybe I should take out that loan and go to school for what I want instead of what will further my career. Maybe I'm just not a career girl, afterall....