Yeah, yeah, I know

I made it to a meeting this morning, thanks to Adam. He had to go to the doc, and so I got dropped off at the club to fend for myself for an hour. Not a bad deal. I ran into a friend there, too. A woman who was sponsored by my old sponsor was there with another woman. She came up to me after the meeting to ask how I was, and to tell me she relapsed over Christmas. To tell the truth, I'm not surprised. She was having a tough go of it, and my old sponsor was only annoying her. "I'm giving her another 90 days and then I'm going to figure it out," she said. I told her to hang in there with the sponsor and to call me if she needed anything. I hope she does. She's unemployed, too, and without a license, so it's tough for her to get around.

The meeting was the fifth step from the 12x12. I should be on my fifth step right now. I've got a finished fourth step just sitting there waiting for a sponsor, but I heard something good this morning. A man said even when he sponsors people he doesn't hear their fifth step. "I think it's best done with a member of the clergy or a therapist. I may have experience being sober, but I'm not trained for when people fall apart."

I had been thinking of doing the fifth with a priest anyway. Before I got sober I "did a fifth step," or like we call it in the church, I went to confession. I was serious about it, and told him everything. All the dirty little secrets only I knew. And though he had a little look of shock, he told me that God forgave me, as long as I wasn't going to go back out and repeat myself. I have never felt the grace of God like I did at that momemnt. I felt light and free! I still remember that feeling to this day, and it's been 2 years or so. Maybe 3.

But I do need to find myself a sponsor. I'm not sure where to look for one. I don't know if the club near me will really be a good hunting ground. It's mostly men, and I seem to be hitting all the old biker guy meetings. I want someone older than me, and so this is a good spot to look, but who knows. Time to get serious about it, I suppose!