Write me in

What's too much to ask of a friend?

So, there's a long story, but basically my mom said I need to set up a will and power of attorney in case she and my dad are dead and I become incapacitated. It's a long stretch (knock on wood) but it could happen. There's some family money that I would need to have administered. She said, think of someone in your age group who you trust, would trust with your life and your money. There are only two people I can think of: my cousin Roger, and Adam.

My cousin has two small kids and I don't know if he would be willing to take on something like that. I would like to ask him, though. He's the most responsible adult I know, and he has a conscience that wouldn't let him do wrong even in the most tempting situations. I know he would be responsible and go by my wishes.

And then there's Adam. I trust him with my life, and I think if someone had to pull the plug on me he could do it (with a lot of hand wringing). He is my best friend, but what is too much to ask of a friend? That's a lot of responsibility. And he knows my family. He would have to deal with them around the money issue. I should just leave it all to him. That would be hilarious.

Anyway, I have to come up with something soon (she said). I want to talk to the family lawyer. I need to figure it all out, like who gets what of my grandparents in the event of my and my moms death. I mentioned writing a will to my dad and he started talking about all his books and what I should do if he dies. Ugh. I hope he never dies. One, because I love him, and two, because it would be a giant pain in the ass.

I hate death. But it's important to think of these things. I know Andrea is going to take the dog - she made that clear before - and Jennifer said she'd serve as dog backup. Hopefully I'll outlive that little bugger.

Short end of the stick

There I was, just innocently reading along this article about mental health care, and getting a little angrier about the lack of coverage, and I came to this blanket statement:

"The life expectancy for someone with serious mental illness is 25 percent lower than that of the average person, according to Nordal, in part because of metabolic problems resulting from the long-term use of powerful psychotropic drugs."

Um, first I've heard of this. I'm sure it's got some basis of truth, but I've sure never heard it before, and you all know how much research I do on a daily basis. And, of course, you find what you're looking for.

"Patients with psychiatric disorders are not only at risk for psychiatric complications, but are also at greater risk for medical illness, and at an increased risk for more complicated medical disease and worse outcomes."

We lose about 4.5 years, apparently. Heart disease is still the number one killer (it's #1 in the US population, too), but of course they think people with bipolar have increased risked already, and a lot of meds mess with your heart.

You just can't win.

Don't fear the reaper

"Don't fear meeting your God," says Sister Bonnie.

I fear death. I never did before, but I do now. I never really thought of death, but I always had a visceral reaction to it. I swear I cried more at my grandfather's funeral than my grandmother did. I was so hurt and afraid. I had no reason to be. He was a spiritual man, and would go to meet his maker. This I believe, as a Catholic, that we join our God in heaven.

I have no idea what it looks like, but there is something out there.

There was a woman at the retreat who had lymphoma 10 years ago. Three years ago she had breast cancer. Now, she has a tumor in her lung, her armpit, and her stomach. But she cried in gratitude for being sober, not in pain for the fact that she was dying. She was living her life, and feeling like she was giving her best to the life she had left in her. She was fighting death, but not afraid at all. She had a spiritual program, and a deep relationship with her higher power.

I need to work on not being afraid. I need to work on believing in my God, and His power to make things right. Death would be an opening to a world I have never known; a place the bible promises is beautiful and sweet. I believe in a hell, too, but as a Catholic I believe that my faith will save me from that disaster. As I get closer to God, I get closer to heaven.

Death comes to us all

I hate death. I don't know if it's because it scares me and I don't want to die, though I don't know that I have that fear, but whenever people are sick and dying it just hits me really hard.

When my grandpas died, I was a mess. During both of the funerals I cried more than my grandmothers, or my parents. I cried through the whole thing. I got super wasted after both of them, and tried to drink away all the feelings. And now, Ms. Grace is really sick. She's just my neighbor, but it's still really bugging me. She's so spunky and full of life! I just can't imagine her being sick enough to actually die. She is in the hospital now, and covered in bruises from the blood thinner and a fall she had. She's got cancer that's everywhere, even in her brain. My upstairs neighbor, the paramedic, read her chart and said it really doesn't look good. I just can't imagine.

It may have all started with my first funeral. I was obsessed with death as a kid, and even wanted to be a forensic pathologist. I thought all that stuff was so cool, and would dissect anything I could find. I would bring dead roadkill home and ask my parents if I could dissect it, and they always made me throw it away.

Anyway, when I was around 13, my friends' mom died of cancer. We went to the wake, and she was all dressed up in makeup (which she never wore) and had on a weird wig (which was so unlike her hair). She just didn't look like herself, and it hit me: I know this woman. I loved this woman. She took care of me. And now she's no longer here. And I cried. And I almost vomited in the parking lot (actually, I may have). And I cried.

Death of my loved ones is not my friend. I was still able to go on dissecting things I had no personal relationship to, but I think even if my dog died I wouldn't be able to look. I'm just not good with death.