Bibbity, bobbity, boo

Diane called tonight and said I sounded down. I feel down. I don't know. I'm done being here. I'm sick of living here with my cousins. I love them, but I can't solve their issues and they aren't ready to solve them themselves. I think in order to keep me sane, I have to leave.

My trip back to the other coast doesn't start till August, so I don't know where I'm going to go, but I've got to go. I'm going to go home for a little bit and pack. And then I need to go to my other cousin's house in another state.

I just talked to Jennifer, and she agrees: time to get out of here. I think I need to take a break. For my sanity, and my sobriety.

Write me in

What's too much to ask of a friend?

So, there's a long story, but basically my mom said I need to set up a will and power of attorney in case she and my dad are dead and I become incapacitated. It's a long stretch (knock on wood) but it could happen. There's some family money that I would need to have administered. She said, think of someone in your age group who you trust, would trust with your life and your money. There are only two people I can think of: my cousin Roger, and Adam.

My cousin has two small kids and I don't know if he would be willing to take on something like that. I would like to ask him, though. He's the most responsible adult I know, and he has a conscience that wouldn't let him do wrong even in the most tempting situations. I know he would be responsible and go by my wishes.

And then there's Adam. I trust him with my life, and I think if someone had to pull the plug on me he could do it (with a lot of hand wringing). He is my best friend, but what is too much to ask of a friend? That's a lot of responsibility. And he knows my family. He would have to deal with them around the money issue. I should just leave it all to him. That would be hilarious.

Anyway, I have to come up with something soon (she said). I want to talk to the family lawyer. I need to figure it all out, like who gets what of my grandparents in the event of my and my moms death. I mentioned writing a will to my dad and he started talking about all his books and what I should do if he dies. Ugh. I hope he never dies. One, because I love him, and two, because it would be a giant pain in the ass.

I hate death. But it's important to think of these things. I know Andrea is going to take the dog - she made that clear before - and Jennifer said she'd serve as dog backup. Hopefully I'll outlive that little bugger.

Well, that happened

Adam and I just had a chat (well, this was hours ago, now) and talked a bit about that "thing" between us. He mentioned that I wear my heart on my sleeve and it must be hard for me because he doesn't want to be in love with anyone right now. He also mentioned how he's trying to act in accordance with what comes out of his mouth, and he thinks he's doing an ok job at it. A huh.

Where should we start?

Yes. Yes, it's hard for me. I don't know why, but I still love him and yes, it hurts when he talks about dating other people or whatever. Yes, it's hard to be with him without being with him. But there's a reason it's so hard.

I'm really good at separating out emotions and roles I have to play. I'm perfectly fine just being his friend and caring about him that way. But where it gets muddy, and where I get hurt and confused, is in his behavior. His body language screams be with me, when his voice says I don't want to be with anyone. It's completely a case of saying one thing and doing another, and that's confusing to me, especially since I want to believe what his body language is saying.

But does he know he's doing it? Ah. I was talking to Jennifer and we both agree: if he knows he's doing it then he's cruel and I shouldn't allow someone to treat me like that. If he doesn't know he's doing it then he's got another set of issues, there. I don't know if he just wants that kind of level of intimacy with me but thinks it can remain a friendship like that? Whatever it is, his behavior doesn't respect my feelings, and so I can't let it go on.

So. No more sleeping together, no matter how much I like it. No more staying the night. No more lingering hugs. Can't do it. No more looking at him longingly (he says I do, but God's honest is I usually catch him looking at me and so respond).

As Jennifer says, I need to "deprogram." In any situation like this the easiest thing to do is to make a clean break, but that just can't happen. We've got too much history and I value the friendship too much to throw it away. So, instead, we've just got to change the dynamic. We're friends, and anything that comes close to that line is going to be questioned aloud and stopped. I think once the behavior stops it will be easy for me to stop thinking he does want to be with me, and allow me to move on with just thinking we're friends.

I am capable of this. We'll see what happens when I start to pull back a bit. I don't want anything to ruin our friendship, but this situation is unfair to me and painful. I'm ready for it to change.

Seven deadly sins

"If we can examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependency and its consequent unhealthy demand."
- Daily Reflections, July 17.

Every dependence we have. Step four: looking at your character defects in detail and examining their basis in your personality. In the Big Book, they start by giving you the examples of the seven deadly sins. Let's see if I can remember them: pride, lust, sloth, gluttony, anger, and envy. I'm missing one. I think it's something like despair.

We already had a nice discussion about my pride problem, and you can probably tell I have a bit of a lust issue, and some anger problems. I am the sloth at work, out of fear. I am a manic-depressive, so I've got obsessive self-loathing covered, too.

So what about gluttony and envy? Oh, I am envious all the time, but of the little things. I wish I had siblings, I wish I made as much money as Emily, I wish I had a stable family life, I'm envious of people who's parents are still together. Envy, envy, envy. Easy.

And gluttony. Well, hell, I stuff my emotions down with food just like I do with booze, but they are talking about another kind of gluttony. More like the hoarding kind. Keeping your emotions or finances so tied up in yourself that you can't let go and share. I am liberal with money (part of the manic-depressive fun), but I really don't share my emotions. I mean, people know how I feel; I'm not afraid to express them; but people close to me don't know how I REALLY feel. I'm never brave enough to let them all the way in. There's something dark and scary inside me, and I'm afraid people won't want to know. I'm afraid they'll leave if I really share just how crazy and depressed I am all the time.

I just gave a friend this blog link. Don't worry, I'm still going to be brutally honest with myself, but I trust her with my feelings. I trust her to know that she can read and not cry for me (Argentina). She'll still be my friend anyway. Welcome Jennifer.