Rant

Sometimes you think that after 15 years in therapy you're over something. Apparently I'm not. After all this stress of getting into grad school, all I've gotten is shit from my family. Nothing but, "This is a bad idea," and "now you'll never get a man." Honestly? I could give a shit about getting a man. And the only reason they see it's a bad idea is that I am going into debt. So then help me!

They all have money, for Christ's sake. My family is by no means poor. But they all said no without me even asking. And that's a slap. I have never asked for anything from them in my life, and all I've done is given. I take their drunken phone calls, I listen to their pity parties. I picked my mother up off the bloodied bathroom floor more times than I can count, and I never asked for a thing in return. And what do I get? Shit from them.

Fuck them. I don't need their help, or support. And the only one who is being logical about all this? Mom. Crazy-ass mom is sitting down with me and going over budgets and thinking about options. Crazy mom offered me her last $200 out of SSI. Like Jennifer pointed out, she owes me at least support.

But I feel like an ass for feeling "owed." I did it all out of love and my own personal need to sacrifice for my family. But why can't they just be supportive?

Seriously?

My grandma's best friend is staying with my dad this week while I'm here. Some friends of hers just came over, that I've known for a long time, but they haven't seen me since I moved.

"So, are you still liberal?"

Seriously? I just smiled and said, gosh, I think so!

It amazes me that I'm so different from my family. Is it just generational? How did I become a liberal and they're so conservative? Why don't tattoos or gay marriage bother me at all? I'm considering becoming a lesbian just to be the complete opposite of what they all believe in. I'm just flabbergasted right now.

Summertime and the living is....

It's been a great adventure here up north for the summer. As you can see, I don't have a lot of time to post. My cousin is go, go, go from dawn to dusk. It's amazing how much energy she has! She has three kids, two of them teenagers, and has to keep up with them all. Plus, she's a fitness instructor. We've been doing spin, yoga, and running. I don't know if I've lost weight, but my body feels better, though tired. Today, she's on a field trip with the little one, so I get the day to myself. I haven't worn a real bra in three weeks. It feels almost strange not to put on workout clothes for the day.

Like I said before, AA meetings up here are awesome. By meeting 3 (there are only 2 a week in this small town) everyone said hi to me when I came in and chatted with me afterwards. It's much better than living in the city where there's a meeting a minute and you hardly ever see the same folks. They are just so welcoming here. And they're trying to help me find an Al-Anon meeting for the family. My cousin's soon to be ex husband is an alcoholic, and she wants the kids to know Al-Anon is out there. I think it's a great idea, and would be great for her, too.

She drinks a lot, well, almost every night, and it doesn't bother me to see her do it. In fact, it reminds me why I don't want to drink again. The reactions of her kids make me sure I never want to drink in front of my kids (when I have them). Kids notice everything, and know when you're out of control. I just hope she can see from their perspective. It's hard to see your mom drink at all when your dad is such a drunk.

I just want to hug these kids, but they're not a hugging kind of group. They are very loving, though. The kids obviously love each other and their parents. They're just going through a really rough time right now, and so there's a lot of yelling. Teenagers can be harsh, too! They know how to cut to the bone. I feel sorry for my cousin because she bares the brunt of it, since her ex is living across town.

I just hope I can be a good and loving influence.

Northern exposure

I just talked to my cousin up north, the one who got a DUI, and they reduced her charges to reckless, which means she only loses her license for 60 days. I'm headed up there on the 18th and I'm going to stay till July 19th. She's promised me days of running and yoga (and no diet Coke!), so I fully expect to be fit when I return.

I'm taking the GRE on the 18th of July. I'm a little nervous about it. I know I can do the English section just fine, but math? Hm. Math was never my forte. It's always a little intimidating to me, especially fractions. I had all the help in the world and yet could never get it. It just doesn't speak to me.

Speaking of speak, in the graduate program I'm going to apply for you have to design your own program, but there's still the regular PhD requirements. What are those, you say? One is being reading comprehensive in two languages other than English. So, we're back to French! Maybe I'll try Spanish, too, or just stick with German or Russian. I at least know the alphabet in those.

I really hope I get into the program!

Write me in

What's too much to ask of a friend?

So, there's a long story, but basically my mom said I need to set up a will and power of attorney in case she and my dad are dead and I become incapacitated. It's a long stretch (knock on wood) but it could happen. There's some family money that I would need to have administered. She said, think of someone in your age group who you trust, would trust with your life and your money. There are only two people I can think of: my cousin Roger, and Adam.

My cousin has two small kids and I don't know if he would be willing to take on something like that. I would like to ask him, though. He's the most responsible adult I know, and he has a conscience that wouldn't let him do wrong even in the most tempting situations. I know he would be responsible and go by my wishes.

And then there's Adam. I trust him with my life, and I think if someone had to pull the plug on me he could do it (with a lot of hand wringing). He is my best friend, but what is too much to ask of a friend? That's a lot of responsibility. And he knows my family. He would have to deal with them around the money issue. I should just leave it all to him. That would be hilarious.

Anyway, I have to come up with something soon (she said). I want to talk to the family lawyer. I need to figure it all out, like who gets what of my grandparents in the event of my and my moms death. I mentioned writing a will to my dad and he started talking about all his books and what I should do if he dies. Ugh. I hope he never dies. One, because I love him, and two, because it would be a giant pain in the ass.

I hate death. But it's important to think of these things. I know Andrea is going to take the dog - she made that clear before - and Jennifer said she'd serve as dog backup. Hopefully I'll outlive that little bugger.

A burden shared

Last night my little 89 year old grandmother pushed her walker up to me, leaned in and said, "You don't have to shoulder this alone. You need help, you just ask for it. Don't worry about money. Stop trying to carry it all by yourself." Except it's cuter when she says it with a British accent.

And she's right. I don't have to carry the load of unemployment and depression all on my own. But I'm really bad at reaching out for help. I've never really done it before. I'm just bad at asking because I believe I can, and should be able to, take care of myself. I'm an adult, right? Adults solve their own problems? Apparently it still takes a village to support an adult.

But I did ask for help. I moved in with my dad. I asked my mom to take the dog and car. I asked my dad to help pay for meds. I didn't hesitate to reach out on any of those fronts. But the depression is just crippling. How do you accept help when you're so low that you don't even know what would help you?

It's funny: my dad leans on his sister and his mom for support. Know how I can tell? Cause the two of them have been trying to help and talking to me about how it's all going to work out all week. Ever since I told my dad I wasn't doing so hot, suddenly his family is all over me. And my aunt just came into town last night. She brought me a good luck charm, too. It's nice to know you have family who care.

Hiring time

I've had two more interviews in the past 24 hours, which I think brings me up to 17 or 18 interviews in the 4 months I've been unemployed. That has to be some kind of record. I mean, really, that many interviews and no offers whatsoever? Perhaps my interview skills are crappy. I thought they were pretty good. Maybe I need to come up with better questions to ask people.

One of the interviews was a second interview with a place up north. It's a premier organization, and I would really like to work for them. About moving: I thought about it, and I would love to move again. I really don't have much here but family and Adam, and I ignore most of my family because they drive me nuts. The longer I'm here the more I remember why I moved 3,000 miles away in the first place.

Drunken phone calls

"Anne, I release you of all the resentment I feel."

Why, oh why, do you always get drunken phone calls from family members late at night the night before you have to work? I was lying there close to sleep when the phone rang. It was Diane. She wanted to ask me to help her with an errand next week, and then talked about her day. It was a perfectly fine conversation, but apparently she had therapy yesterday.

"My counselor is pissed at me! She wonders how I can purport to love you if I'm still drinking and smoking around you. So I want to make you a deal. I'll be a sober place to hang out if you'll just hang out with me. I won't drink or smoke when you're here." This is huge for Diane. She has every addiction I do, and is world-renowned for getting out of trouble with the law. For her to even think about being sober for a family gathering is incredible. "Thanks?" I said. "Good enough." she replied. So there we go.

But then she brought up one of her favorite topics. See, on that side of the family I'm the favorite grandchild of our grandfather, who passed away, oh my. I guess it's been 3 years this year. Wow. I miss him so much. He was my rock. I don't believe there was any magic in being the favorite: I called him on a regular basis just to say hi and I love you, I helped him take care of mom. It's not like I was the golden child. "You are the only child of the star child (my mom, who takes up all the energy in a room)." I don't buy it.

The only time my other two cousins called my grandfather was when they needed money. They called him to pay for this, and that, and Diane's sister notoriously used it all on cocaine. But I suppose you can be jealous of something you didn't have, even if you did nothing to build that relationship.

"Your uncle is the head of the family now, and he's stepping up." Meaning he's giving her and her son money for stuff. I never once asked or accepted money from my grandfather. I think she has the relationship all wrong, there. She thought he paid for college for me, but the other night I burst that bubble. "Dad's still paying off my school on his credit cards." Go dad.

Anyway, she's telling me I can rely on my uncle. I have no reason to get involved in any of this crap. He's perfectly capable of handling my mother himself (he's executor of her trust) and I want nothing to do with it. The more she's "self-sufficient," or not reliant on me, the better. I'm glad he's "stepping up." I don't need him. Sure, I could go ask for money, but for what? I'm fine.

"I release you of all the resentment." Gosh, thanks. I'm so glad my older cousin isn't mad at little old me for being the favorite. I'm so glad I could make you feel better by taking care of the family while you were out partying. I hope you had a good time.

We're all alcoholics here

"Functional subtype: 19.5 percent of U.S. alcoholics. Typically middle-aged, well-educated, with stable jobs and families. About one-third have a multigenerational family history of alcoholism, about one-quarter had major depressive illness sometime in their lives, and nearly 50 percent were smokers."

Sounds like me! Now, AA would tell you there's no such thing as a functional alcoholic. We're all dysfunctional; we all have such problems that we just don't recognize them. But researchers found there were 5 subtypes of alcoholics, and "functional" was one of them.

I sure as hell have a multigenerational history of alcoholism. My great uncle was a severe alcoholic, and died from it. He was also a life-long smoker. There are rumors my grandma drank too much, but she died before I was born and my mom only says good things about her. My uncle is totally an alcoholic. Neither of my parents drink - in fact, I think I've seen my dad drink twice in my life. My mom has a sherry every now and again (and I mean like every few years) but she went through a heavy vodka phase during the divorce.

I always felt functional, and I never lost things like my home and my job. But I can guarantee you I was, and am, an alcoholic. So if you're out there and you're not sure, talk to someone. Go to an AA meeting and just listen. You might not be, but you might just get a life changing realization from it.

Thanks, Mom

In the past year I've been all over the place. I've been across the world, and across the States. I've been jobless and job-full, and lonely or not. But the one thing I've come to appreciate the most is family. How pat, I know! But really. Without them, I wouldn't have been able to accomplish anything. Especially, my mom.

My mom and I have an interesting relationship. She's bipolar as well, but she's what you would really call nuts. I'm just a little off - I make stupid decisions and get a little kooky, but I've never done a quarter of the things she has.

When I was growing up, it was always "save mom." She would run away to foreign lands, only to end up homeless and then in the local mental hospital. Europe especially doesn't like when you use their systems and you're not part of the Union, so it was off to rescue her and bring her home. Sometimes, she would just wander the streets of the city, usually naked, and get picked up by the police. It was always my duty to rescue her.

But in the past 2 years, she's been stable. So I took a chance. "Mom, will you come out and watch the dog while I'm in Europe?" It was a huge leap of faith for me. Mom would have my car, my dog, my house. Would she burn it down? Would she try to kill herself again and have no one to rescue her? Would she kill my dog? All valid questions 5 years ago. But I let her do it anyway. And you know what? She was fantastic.

Now, she's dog-napped my dog again, and they are having the time of their lives. She's also got my car again, and hasn't crashed it yet (knock on wood). She's living a responsible life. Who would have thunk?

So appreciate I do. I appreciate her taking her meds and becoming the mom I always wanted: the one I don't have to care for, but who will care for me. Thanks mom.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'll be away from a computer till next week, but I'm sure you have more than enough to catch up on here. I'm headed up north with my family, along with thousands of other travelers. Should be an interesting drive! I hope we take some back roads, on purpose.

I'm a little worried about the drinking that's going to happen. Even my dad drinks on holidays, and he never drinks. It's also the holidays, where I'm used to celebrating with my family. How do you celebrate without alcohol? Will I be comfortable there in the house? Will I be able to keep myself asleep without freezing to death? It's damn cold there in the farmhouse.

I've found an AA meeting in the small town where I'm going (they really are everywhere) on Thanksgiving day, so it should be good. I'll get to spend some time with alcoholics and maybe go to coffee with someone. It will be better to have an hour or two hour break from the drinking going on at the house.

Anyway, happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!

Turkey and a family of turkeys

Looks like we're going up north for Thanksgiving. I'm excited! I can't wait to see my aunt and uncle and my cousins. I don't get to see them very often, cause they never really leave the state. They suffer more financially than the rest of my family, so they don't take trips very often. My grandma is up there, too, so it will be nice to spend time with her. Maybe she can teach me to make her famous jam tarts. Those things are so tasty.

My aunt has a bunch of sisters who make their Thanksgiving specialties and bring them over the day of or the day before. One of her sisters makes the best chocolate chip cookies ever. Another makes great casseroles, and my aunt always makes tons of other foods. It's such a big family event.

Usually, I sneak outside to smoke cigarettes with her brother and all the uncles when I go out to get a beer. It will be interesting not drinking. I'll have to find a better excuse to go outside and smoke.

I'm going to go running with one of my cousins while I'm there, too. She's an adorable 20 year-old, and I suppose I should start thinking of her as a woman instead of the kid whose diapers I changed. I really like her, and want to be closer to her. I just think she's great.

So it should be a really good trip. Maybe I'll even tell them I'm in AA.

Bring the kitsch

Just an entertaining article:
16 Ways Depression Is Like a Pumpkin

The holiday season is coming, and most people hate this time of year because they get depressed with all the dark time and lack of sunlight. But I love it. You know I love kitsch, and tis the season! From pumpkins and costumes to santa and stockings, I love it all. I usually have a theme for Christmas where I give all my family something along the theme lines. I did Jesus last year, and gave my cousin Roger a thing that you press into bread and then toast the bread, and it displays the Virgin Mary. It was a big hit.

I don't have a theme this year, and I don't have the money to do gifts... maybe I'll have to get some clothespins and make reindeer. Yes! Reindeer gifts made from clothespins. It's perfect.

I can't have parties this year, unless I rent out the room downstairs in the building, but that's expensive. So I'll have to just decorate my dad's house with kitsch. I have to get my holiday box out of storage. I'm going to a Day of the Dead festival with some sober friends the day before Halloween. This is where my season starts. I always have a DoD party with all sorts of cool decorations, so now I'll get to see artwork by real Mexican artists.

I hope we go north this year for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I love the snow up there during the holidays. It really makes it feel like Christmas, and my aunt really goes crazy! She has 8 (?) siblings, and they all bring different things to her open house, and family comes and goes all day long. We all stay in their big farm house, where it's freezing and haunted, but perfect. I love being with my family. Like any family, they make me crazy, but I do love them.

ACOA

Growing up in a dysfunctional home can have lifetime effects on you.

"Often you chose relationships that reenact what you grew up with such as having partners that are not emotionally or physically present, such as your parents. You may find yourself contributing to enabling behaviors as your parents did growing up. You might chose to live in denial about important issues in your life, because that is the only defense mechanism you feel comfortable with when you are in pain."

I'm not a child of alcoholics, but a child of dysfunction, nonetheless. My mom was unstable during my teen years, and probably showed a lot of that behavior in my childhood, which unfortunately I can't remember. I do look for friends with drama, but lately I've been looking for normal folks. People without addictions and hard family lives. But I'm just attracted to these people! I find them without even knowing about it.

My fun defense mechanisms were alcohol and drugs and controlling behavior. I'm trying to remedy all that, as well. I need to learn patience and love for others, and accept that people can do it on their own. Not everyone needs my guidance.

News on the job front

Talked to my dad tonight, and he asked why in the world I would want to come home. And you know? The real reason is I miss him. I miss having Sunday breakfast with him, or just coming over and sitting around watching TV (As long as it's not Fox news). When I'm home I spend most of my time on the couch with my dad. More than with my friends. I know if I moved home I would have a life of my own, but I would make time for my dad. As I get older, family seems to be getting more important.

And my mom. She's a real mom, now. Better late than never, as my dad said. She and I have set up boundaries and she's really respecting them. She gives me advice like a mom should. It would be nice to be there and build on our relationship.

And then there's all my friends and cousins. My cousin Roger is super excited about the prospect of me coming home. I think he just wants a built in babysitter. No, he thinks I'm cool. And then there's Adam. It would be nice to be around and be there for him when he needs me, and vice versa. It's one thing to talk on the phone every night, and another to be in someone's presence. And he gives the best hugs.

I talked to my mentor tonight, and he knows the director at one of the places I applied to. He's going to make a call, and hopefully that will lead to an interview. Fingers crossed, I could be home by October.

All in the family

Addiction runs in families, or at least, that's what I hear from pretty much everyone in the program. And oh boy, does it run in mine.

My grandfather was a drunk. A mean, nasty, abusive drunk. I never saw it (I smelled it), but he was always cruel to my grandmother. She admitted the other day to my dad that she noticed he had a problem shortly after they got married. She realized that he drank a lot, but after 4 kids they were too poor for him to afford much alcohol. Once the kids were older and he had a better job, he began to drink heavily again. My dad, being the oldest, took the brunt, and decided when he was 13 that he had to get out. He moved in with his grandparents in another country and finished school there. He moved back home after college for 4 months, only to find that it hadn't gotten any better. He chose to live in a friend's closet in DC rather than at home. My grandpa lost half his stomach to alcohol related problems, but my dad thinks he never quit until he was dead.

On my mom's side of the family, everyone except my grandparents either died from alcoholism or related complications. Her great uncle was a staple of Carmel, CA, always walking his dogs on Carmel beach, and the neighborhood dogs would follow him. They called him the St. Francis of Carmel. But he died a horrible alcohol related death. He was dying, tied down to his mattress in the hospital with the dt's, and managed to drag himself down the hall. He crawled to the nurses' station, lifted himself up and said, "Do you have a cigarette?" And then he died.

My grandparents on my mom's side drank, don't get me wrong. They had cocktail hour and tons of cocktail parties. They had to for his job. Apparently, my grandmother was an alcoholic while her husband was in Vietnam (and my uncle was there at the same time), but I don't have confirmation or any stories.

My great-grandmother was a drunk and a slut (hey, my mom used the word). She drank with Edward Westin, the famous photographer, and slept her way around Northern California in the 20's and 30's. So I come from a long line of self-destructive folks. It's no wonder. I'm sure many of them had undiagnosed mental illnesses as well.

I want to break that spell. I don't want my children to ever see me like that, or know me as an alcoholic, no matter how much of a happy drunk I was. I know your children eventually hear your stories, but I want them to remember me as being a good and sober person. And I will be. They're not born yet, so I have a chance. I can be the best person I can be before they're born, and continue to be there for them and myself.