Slowly your character defects can wear on you

I know I'm so not there yet, but we talked about step 6 today in the meeting, and it talks about being entirely ready for God to remove our defects of character. Willingness, again. Just being READY, and asking God for his help. Funny that I've been talking about character defects all day, and sins and such.

It was a little meeting, so I shared how I feel three of the sins the most: pride, sloth, and lust. I didn't share the lust part, cause it was all men and me. But I did share some things that made me think. It's funny, you never know what you're thinking till you want to speak honestly to a crowd.

I think I'm better than other people. Smarter. Prettier. Kinder. I think sometimes in meetings that people don't know how to read. I try not to judge them on that. I try not to be judgy in my pridefulness. Really, I do try. But really, just being prideful is being judgy. I wonder sometimes if people understand the words that I'm saying, and so I try not to use big words. I try to dumb it down so people understand. How bitchy of me! I underestimate people all the time. I think I'm just so much better. Wow. How awful.

And sloth. I talked before about my sloth at work, and how it's all based on fear of doing it wrong, or even doing it right. I don't get anything done because I'm so above the work, and it's boring, but really I'm just afraid to get it done. I'm afraid it won't be good enough.

Maybe with the pride I'm just afraid that really I'm dumber than everyone else. Maybe I'm just scared I'll use the wrong words, so I use simple ones. Maybe I'm underestimating myself, too.

Amazing what you discover when you really look at yourself.

Seven deadly sins

"If we can examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependency and its consequent unhealthy demand."
- Daily Reflections, July 17.

Every dependence we have. Step four: looking at your character defects in detail and examining their basis in your personality. In the Big Book, they start by giving you the examples of the seven deadly sins. Let's see if I can remember them: pride, lust, sloth, gluttony, anger, and envy. I'm missing one. I think it's something like despair.

We already had a nice discussion about my pride problem, and you can probably tell I have a bit of a lust issue, and some anger problems. I am the sloth at work, out of fear. I am a manic-depressive, so I've got obsessive self-loathing covered, too.

So what about gluttony and envy? Oh, I am envious all the time, but of the little things. I wish I had siblings, I wish I made as much money as Emily, I wish I had a stable family life, I'm envious of people who's parents are still together. Envy, envy, envy. Easy.

And gluttony. Well, hell, I stuff my emotions down with food just like I do with booze, but they are talking about another kind of gluttony. More like the hoarding kind. Keeping your emotions or finances so tied up in yourself that you can't let go and share. I am liberal with money (part of the manic-depressive fun), but I really don't share my emotions. I mean, people know how I feel; I'm not afraid to express them; but people close to me don't know how I REALLY feel. I'm never brave enough to let them all the way in. There's something dark and scary inside me, and I'm afraid people won't want to know. I'm afraid they'll leave if I really share just how crazy and depressed I am all the time.

I just gave a friend this blog link. Don't worry, I'm still going to be brutally honest with myself, but I trust her with my feelings. I trust her to know that she can read and not cry for me (Argentina). She'll still be my friend anyway. Welcome Jennifer.