Getting through the holidays

"Don't stay home and mope." Not that I'm moping, or anything, but I'm sure as hell not participating in life. I'm just sitting here on my space on the couch (which I feel is getting an imprint of my butt). I'm thinking about stuff like running, going to meetings, traveling, getting my next tattoo, etc. But I'm not actually doing any of it. I'm just sitting here.

The article is about what to do in early recovery to get through the holiday season. A lot of it is what we've already discussed: don't go places where there is alcohol (or drugs), don't mope, find some AA people to hang out with. All great suggestions. Will I take them? Probably not. Why? Because I'm lazy. I know it. I know it's one of my character defects.

I suppose what you do about that is force yourself to do stuff until it becomes habit. My therapist sent me a bunch of resources like Meetup.com where I can find social activities to get me off the couch. She thinks I need to make some new friends, not that my old ones are bad, but I need more. I think she's right. But will I do it? You know the answer.

A little of that healing touch

So false pride became the reverse side of that ruinous coin marked "Fear." - 12 & 12

Reverb today asks: how would you like to be healed in 2011. Oh, how wouldn't I. I suppose doing my fourth step, I'll figure out more about what's wrong with me in the first place, but what I really want, what I'd like to see healed is my ego. Oh! How wrong of an alcoholic, and how typical, to say it. After all, they say ego gets in the way of our path to sobriety. Ego is what keeps us drinking. We have to rid ourselves of pride and ego in order to beat this thing back.

But I'd really like a little pride back. A little ego. Maybe I should just call it self-love, or being proud of oneself. That's what I really mean, after all. It's tough to be unemployed and think of yourself as anything but a loser, especially in this town. It's a busy town, where the first question people ask is, "So what do you do? Who do you work for?" And I have to say, I'm job hunting. I suppose I could lie and say I'm taking some time off or something, and I sure don't have to say I was fired, but I'm taking that situation by situation. Some days I'm feeling creative and say I work for the state, and some days I just say I'm unemployed.

I would like a little pride healed up, though. I took a really big blow this year, and as time passes the wound just gets salted with every unemployment check I receive. And how would that all work? Does having a job really mean you have self-worth? No. I know it doesn't, but sometimes logic doesn't win. Sometimes you just feel things, and I feel worthless without a job. I feel like my pride is nonexistent. I sleep and don't leave the house. I feel like I have nothing to share with anyone (though I keep typing to you, apparently).

So yeah, 2011, I'll take some pride.

Dog is a traitor

You know, I committed to a dog. I knew it would be 20 years or so (small dogs live forever) before he died, and I wouldn't give him back, or anything. I totally committed. And then after about 2 years I started giving him to Michael's mom for the days while I went to work. I often left him there overnight. It was like having a weekend dog. Now, my mom has kidnapped the dog. He whistles (he whistles when you come in and he missed you) for her, and not for me anymore. He jumps to her, and not to me. Traitor.

But I'm kind of glad. First, my mom really loves him and he gets more exercise than he would with me. Second, not having a dog is easier. I can have a social life now and not worry about getting home to let the dog out (if I had a social life). Moving some place will be easier.

I feel really bad about giving up the dog, and I love him and miss him, but it just makes my life easier. How selfish, I know! This is why I think I shouldn't have kids. Man, that's a big commitment. And marriage. I want to get married some day, but I'll have to deal with this character flaw first. I've wanted Adam for 7 years, but maybe it's because I can't have him? What if we got together and I got bored? I somehow don't think that would happen, because my relationship with him is so different from any other. But there's always that chance.

Committed to commitment

"the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled."

Obligated. They say commitment is making a plan and following through with it. I have absolutely no problem with that, but it's the feeling obligated, perhaps, that is the question for me. I can set my mind to anything and jump, but that's just it: I love the jump. I love to try new things. I love to move (I move apartments every year or so). I love to meet new people. I love to visit new places.

When I went to Austria I wanted to move there. Wherever I go I think about moving there. Now, because of the job hunt, I have to go wherever I find work, which I find exciting and fresh! I can't wait to find out where so I can plan. There's just so much to do, and it's all so much fun! Even things like finding a new dentist make me happy. I love shiny and new.

Perhaps it's not commitment, it's just attention span? I think they go hand in hand, though. I can't commit long-term to anything because I get bored. I need to try something new. Restlessness and short attention span are manic symptoms. Maybe I just hit the manic part in my cycle about once a year? I usually get these urges in the spring, which is historically when I've been manic.

But let's not blame it all on the mania. Let's blame mom! After all, we're all programmed by our past experiences. But really, I'm sure a lot of this is learned behavior. Leave before you get disappointed. Leave before they leave you.

7 questions

There's a blogger out there who says he uses 7 questions to see if someone is really serious in their journey to AA.

Here are the Seven Questions:

1. In looking back over your life – what memories are still painful, guilty, dirty?
2. In what ways do you consider yourself an inadequate person?
3. Who do you resent – and why? Be specific.
4. What do you conceive to be your defects of character – as you see them today?
5. What is the nature of the ongoing problems you have with people close to you – in human relations – what seems to always happen when you have these things that blow up?
6. In what way do you believe that A.A. can help you with any of these problems?
7. In what way do you believe that A.A. can begin to change things?

He says if someone takes longer than a day to address the questions, he thinks they're not ready and moves on. In the beginning I would have done these in an hour. Now, I'm just thinking about thinking about them. I probably wouldn't sit down with my journal and do it (though I just might now that I've thought about how silly that is - not to address important things).

So what memories are painful? Well, let me tell you they all deal with my mom. There's just so much there. I think I couldn't cover it all in a day. And inadequacy, well, without a job I feel like I'm completely inadequate. I think not having patience makes me inadequate. My resentments. That's a whole 8 pages at this point. I've gotten that far in my fourth step.

My defects of character: impatience, impulsivity, emotionally blocked off from people, cruel sometimes, and I'm sure there is more. What always seems to happen is I pull away from people. Once I'm sure they love me, I pull back and try to protect myself from what could possibly happen. Can AA help me? Can AA change things?

Emotional Sobriety

We've talked a little about emotional sobriety, and I found something that I thought was interesting to share.

"Emotional intelligence consists of four core abilities:

Self-awareness – The ability to recognize your own emotions and how they affect your thoughts and behavior, know your strengths and weaknesses, and have self-confidence.

Self-management – The ability to control impulsive feelings and behaviors, manage your emotions in healthy ways, take initiative, follow through on commitments, and adapt to changing circumstances.

Social awareness – The ability to understand the emotions, needs, and concerns of other people, pick up on emotional cues, feel comfortable socially, and recognize the power dynamics in a group or organization.

Relationship management – The ability to develop and maintain good relationships, communicate clearly, inspire and influence others, work well in a team, and manage conflict."

So I've got social awareness down, and I'm pretty sure I'm good in the relationship management part, but the italicized stuff is tough for me, and I'm sure for a lot of you.

Oh, to know my strengths and weaknesses. To finish my fourth step. Yeah, I know, I'm still behind in that manner. I've been working on thinking about doing it. I'm still waiting to look at it and think, "Oh yeah, that's why I do that." And a lot of reasons why I "do that" is the other thing, self-management. I'm impulsive. I know it. I say what's on my mind, sometimes to the determent of the conversation. I pick up and move in a week because I think it's the right thing to do (and it was. I'm just saying, I'm often right.)

Perhaps some of this will end up on my fourth step, but I don't know how you do things about emotional sobriety. I need to recognize these character defects and be able to, well, to at least recognize them. I suppose once I know what they are I'll be better able to handle them.

Stop talking about it and do it

Thanks to Guinevere over on Guinevere Gets Sober for turning me on to Reverb10. "Reverb 10 is an annual event and online initiative to reflect on your year and manifest what’s next." I am woefully behind, but I'm going to start with yesterday's prompt: what are 11 things my life doesn't need in 2011.

I can not believe it's almost 2011, by the way. I think in 2010 I've been able to get rid of a hell of a lot so far. It's been the year of shedding bad vices and pulling myself into a new way of life. So what else can I shed? What else can I get rid of?

1. Diet Coke. That's right, I can rid myself of one more addiction. Will I do it? Tune in....

2. Laziness. How in the hell is that possible! I have to figure out why I'm so lazy, first, which leads me to....

3. Procrastination.

4. Clothes. I have a Loft addiction, and my closet is bursting with price tags from new clothes. I don't have a lot of closet space, and I sure as hell don't have anywhere else to put things (no dresser space), so it's time to purge.

5. Lying. I've got to stop lying to my sponsor about going to meetings. Jesus, this is like a fourth step list now!

6. All of these things seem to be in the "addict behavior" category. My addictions, like diet Coke and shopping. My behaviors like lying, procrastinating, being lazy, and impulsive. Doing stuff under the radar and doing things I know I shouldn't, like sleeping with Michael and talking about getting married just for the health insurance. All these things are old behaviors I really need to get rid of.

All of these things I can rid myself of, but all in a year? I suppose that's where AA comes in. Actually DOING my fourth step instead of stopping mid-stream and ignoring it for a while. So maybe that's my end of year resolution: do my fourth step.

Purging

My therapist and I started talking about purging lately. Sometimes I get this incredible urge to projectile vomit on people while they're talking, and my therapist was saying how this is a purging urge, and asked what it is that I need to get out.

Feelings, I suppose. Purging is also defined as "To rid of sin, guilt, or defilement." It's all that old stuff that sits inside of you, the pain and fear from long ago, all the crappy stuff, and for me, the obsessive tendencies. I need to rid myself of all the "bad" emotions or "character defects." Luckily, I have lots of time to work on them.

So I'm going to detox. I think this advice for detoxing from cigarettes is applicable all around, so I'm going to try it. Water in, sweat out. There are also some things available on emotional cleanses, which I'm going to read a bit more into before I try anything.

A habit in a hat

Jesus, now all I want is a cigarette. We have one intense conversation and all I could think was "When can I smoke?" I really do associate comfort and all other emotions with cigarettes. Breaking those habits are going to be really hard. I think once it's been 12 hours the nicotine is out of your system, so I'm good there, but habits take a lifetime to build.

It's just like AA or Weight Watchers, or anything else you do to try and change your life: it's all about changing the underlying behaviors. You have to learn to deal with your emotions in a better, less dopamine-riddled way. You can't just add a substance and feel good for a minute and expect that feeling to never return. It's going to be there until you deal with it, which is why we keep going back for more substances.

So I need to change a lot about me in the coming months. I suppose that's part of my fourth step, now isn't it. I'm on the column where you label what the resentment you have stems from. Is it because it dealt with your fears, stability, security, sex? What did it "threaten," or so that's how I interpret the step.

There's a lot I need to deal with. So how am I going to change? Well, I'm going to try and associate walking with just walking, not smoking. I need to figure out how to get somewhere early and not feel the need to "kill time." I need to still learn how to have fun and not feel awkward without alcohol. I need to get over Adam.

Alignment

"The Law of Sobriety says that your values must be in line with your true essence if you want to resonate the positive energy it will take to attract everything in life that you desire. That means you stop doing things that make you feel guilty--because if you are feeling guilty, you're not acting in accordance with your values. In sobriety, you have the freedom to live by your values. Your addiction doesn't run your life--you do."

One thing I've been hearing a lot lately is you have to stop lying. You have to stop doing things that create resentments or reasons to make amends. I really have a problem with letting people get close to me. I keep them away by lying or being surly.

I'm a surly person. I'm really nice to everyone, but I can have a temper when someone annoys me. I get irritated and touchy. I do it at work, I do it in friendships. It makes me feel really guilty, though. I hate it when I get mad. I used to cry when I got mad, and that annoyed the hell out of me. I couldn't just get mad and be mad, I would have to cry and my face would get red.

Now, I'm just mean. So does AA mean that I'll start being better about this? If my values are in line with my true essence, then will I stop acting like a child when I'm upset? Will I stop acting like this and making myself feel guilty?

And how do I align myself with my values? What are my values? I don't want to be like this. I want to be a better person, a person people want to hang out around. Someone who doesn't lose their temper and act like a big baby. I suppose it's time to figure out who I really want to be.

There's something in the air

A bunch of my friends have been effected by job woes this week, or are disgruntled. I know two people who were fired yesterday from my old job, two people who are disgruntled and looking to flee, and one who's just disgruntled. It's pretty crazy. And then there's me, looking to leave this job, but hoping for the prospect of another. There must be something in the alignment of the planets.

So I'm still fixated on getting this job. At this point, I just need to know: yes or no. I am obviously hoping for yes, but I just would like to get on with my life one way or another. It's the impatience part of me again. Oh, character defects, how you bring me to my knees.

I've really got to tackle that one. It just brings on anxiety when I'm waiting for something to happen, though when I know it's going to happen, I feel calm. It's just waiting for the yes or no that drives me up a wall.

The undercutter

Been working on the resentment list. I think I've gotten all I can think of down on paper. It's interesting, because now when I get upset I tend to think about why I'm getting resentful, and if it's worth my energy to do so.

There's a woman at work who is really smart and good at what she does, and her input is always well thought out, but I hate it. She always seems to have better questions for the boss than I do, and sometimes takes my ideas and expands on them in a way where they sound like her ideas. She usually apologizes or asks if I'm ok with what she's said, but I feel like she's undercutting me. So what's this resentment?

I always worry I'm not smart enough. I think I'm not really a capable person (though this has been disproved many times), and so I worry when others are smarter than I am in some area of my life. It makes me nervous that they're exposing me for the fool. It's the exposure of my soft underbelly.

How do I deal with these feelings? I hide and don't work. I try to ignore work instead. I always get my projects done, and usually early, but I spend as much time as I can avoiding the potential to look like an idiot.

So what can I do about it? What's the character defect I have to work on? Besides my anxiety and low self-esteem, I need to work on not projecting my issues onto other people. I need to learn that being vulnerable is sometimes ok. So I'll ask God to help me with these things, and hope that I can learn to be a stronger person and a better worker.

Just let it go

I am having so much trouble turning my will and my life over, yet I'm not. I know this job thing is something that He's going to take care of in his own way and time, but I'm so impatient! I just want to know now, whether that's a yes or a no. I don't want to waste more time sitting here if I could be packing, renting an apartment, or even transferring my mail. There's so much to do when you move, especially when you move cross-country, and I'm a planner. You can't really plan when you don't know the plan.

And I think that's the point of step three. Turn your will and your life over to the care of God: stop planning so much. Sure, everyone needs to know their next three steps in order to do the things they need to do, but let God tell you the ultimate destination. It's all in His hands, anyway. Best laid plans, and such.

So I'm trying to make a concerted effort to keep saying, "God? You know I want this, but I'll wait for you to tell me one way or another. Please don't take too long." Why? Because no matter what, I'm still impatient. Character defect #1.

Today is resentment day

I just talked to my aunt, cause it's her birthday, and told her I joined AA. She was really supportive and proud of me. She said she's envious that I always can make good decisions for myself and actually follow through. I do have a lot of follow through. It's one of my good qualities. I actually do what I say I'm going to do.

She also asked me to call my cousin in Seattle. He just moved out there about 6 months ago, and doesn't know anyone yet. He works weird hours, and so is having a hard time connecting. I know what that's like. I didn't have any friends when I moved here until 8 months later when I met my boyfriend. He introduced me to a bunch of people, and I finally had someone to talk to.

We all connected over alcohol. I met him at beer olympics where I was a referee and he was the anchor; the one who finishes all the beer no one else can drink. We got super wasted and began throwing eggs at other people (eggs were part of one of the games). We moved in together shortly thereafter, cause we're both kind of impulsive and were lonely.

We drank together every day. We went out every night. It was about 2 years of nonstop drinking and hookah smoking. We never stopped. And he became a bit abusive. He used to tell me I was fat and crazy. He would punch stuff (never me) and drove his car into a stop sign while we were having a fight just to shut me up. It was kinda bad. We eventually broke up, but we still talk, and he's really gotten a lot better. He's been working on himself, and I like him much better now. He even admitted the other day what an asshole he was.

But what was my part in that? I became cold and distant, and I used to start fights a lot of the time. I owe him an apology as well. I'm not sure what else I can do to make it up to him, but that won't be till step nine, which is a long time from now. We'll see.

Keep those defects, for now

"Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know". Pema Chodron

We humbly ask God to remove our character defects. They are removed whenever He wants them to be, in the order He chooses. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

I really like this quote, and I think it really applies to the steps. We have to remember that we're living on God's terms now, not according to our own will and wants. We may discover our character defects and want them gone now! We might think we can remove them by acting in different manners (which is the right step - do the next right thing), but only God can remove them from our core character.

And they stick around for a reason - often to teach us a lesson in humility. Who among us wants to keep all of their defects? I know so many of them were useful at one time, but aren't anymore, and continue to beat us down. We learn to humble ourselves before God and ask for forgiveness, acceptance, and love.

Sometimes I annoy myself with all the God talk, but it seems really important to have a spiritual program. Mine just happens to be God with a capital G. It's what I know.

All alone in a big world

"Almost without exception, alcoholics are troubled by loneliness....There was always that mysterious boundary we could not surmount or understand." 12&12 Step 5

Ever feel lonely in a crowded room, surrounded by people you know and love? Sometimes it's really hard to get close to people - to open up. I know a lot of the time people accuse me of being too honest, but I never really share my inner self with a lot of people. There are only one or two people who really know me - really know me - inside and out.

And that's something I need to change. Step 5 is admitting to yourself, HP, and another person your character defects. I'm not there yet, but it's good to think that someone besides my therapist and you people will know my innermost thoughts about myself, and my true character defects.

Building a relationship

"The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we rely on them far too much." 12&12 pg. 53

My mother is severely mentally ill. She is in and out of mental hospitals, shelters, and the streets. Before my grandfather died, he set up a trust to pay for an apartment for her, which she keeps trying to leave, but my uncle won't let her.

I've always been her savior. I've gotten her on disability, saved her from mental hospitals and delivered her to shelters, I've taken custody of her at the airport after she's been kicked out of whole countries. I'm her caretaker. I dominate her life by doing all the things she can't do for herself, and in return I expect her to act like my mother and give me the love I need.

The day before I got sober, my cousin Diane said to me, "You'll never have a true partnership with another person until you fix the relationship you have with your mother." That hurt. I thought, "I have friends, life-long relationships. I have people in my life that I neither depend too much on, nor try to control. I have partnerships!"

But then again, I do let my relationship with my mom get in the way. I believe no one can love me completely, because any contact by others with my mom ends up hurting them. They see the complete destruction she causes, and it frightens them. What if I end up like her, I think they think. What if she causes all of Anne's attentions to be directed there? I worry that I can't form those true partnerships for fear of being too difficult to love.

Through this program, I will learn to create boundaries between my mother and myself. She's been pretty normal for the past two years, and the one time she showed up on my doorstep at 1:25am I drove her to the bus stop and sent her home. I created a boundary between us made up of all the "fly-over" states, mountains, and pastures. Now, I just have to build that emotional boundary where I won't worry when the other shoe is going to drop.

Lately she's been really depressed. She can't really walk anymore because of a messed up ankle. She's stuck in her house; she used to be really active. I'm afraid. I'm afraid she's going to try to kill herself and I won't be there to save her this time. It'll be too late, and I'll lose her before I even got her back.

I have to trust in this program to get me through something like that. The cool thing is, no matter what, I don't have to drink.

Figuring it all out

Michael just came over to fix my computer - the mouse stopped working - and we talked about sobriety. He's the one trying to do the moderation thing, and keeps asking me if I think he's an alcoholic. I told him to try quitting for 60 days, cause it's hard! He is considering the fact that he is. He's sure he's a "problem drinker."

We went out to dinner, and he took one look at me across the table and said, "Are you manic?" I suppose once someone knows you that well, they can tell. He said it's like I have a Devo hat on with a flashing light on top.

Michael and I used to live together, so I asked him what I'm like manic, depressed, and what some of my good and bad qualities are. He provided a really helpful list. I told him colors and lights are brighter and more vibrant, so we compared eyes in the mirror and mine are a lot more dilated. Explains a lot. He said I must not be completely manic, cause I don't have the "bug-eyed" look. I feel like my eyes are open really wide, but he said it's not that bad yet.

So now I have a good idea of what to look for, and not just guess how I'm feeling. I'm going to take the list to my therapist so she can look for the symptoms, too. It's nice to have other watchers out there. Sometimes I miss the signs.

Co-dependent no more

Me: "I never get co-dependency. Don’t we all depend on others all the time? No man is an island, mon."

D: "Yeah, that’s healthy inter-dependency. Co-dependency is when you need other people to listen to you to make you feel right/good. Then, when they don’t, you feel bad."

Yeah, I get it now. Is that why I always have to ask people stuff before I make decisions? I'm not just indecisive, I'm codependent?

Wait! In my mania I am an incredible decision maker. I don't even think before I leap. In my normal state I am a careful planner, and in my depression I'm codependent. So what am I in my addiction? I suppose it leans towards the mania side, but I make dumber decisions.

At least I know one character trait, decision-making skills, that I can now separate out between my moods. I know who I really am - I'm a careful planner. I like spreadsheets. If I don't have a spreadsheet, I don't know what I'm doing. If I don't have a spreadsheet on it, I'm either a)manic and will never have a spreadsheet or b) depressed and not planning on doing anything.

Wow, that wasn't so painful.

Who are you, do, do, do do

The Big Book describes the alcoholic as someone who is trying to put on the whole play by themselves. They are the actors, the musicians, the set designers, and the lighting crew. Alcoholics try to control every aspect of their lives, and most of the time, fail miserably. So some of the materials suggest you ask yourself what roles you're trying to play. What are the false characters you put on in this play? Are these working for you?

We all act like different people in different situations. Some of us are the black sheep in our families, and the good girl in relationships. Some of us are the strong, silent friend to some, and the blubbering mess to others. We choose who we're going to be based on the needs and expectations of the people around us.

But who are we, really? Who is deep down in there under the masks and costumes?

I think this is what the fourth step tries to root out. Who are you? What makes up your character in totality, not just in these different situations. Are you really the strong one, or are you a combination of that and the blubberer?

So it's the age old question: Who am I?