Pride

The 12 and 12 talks about the seven deadly sins we look at in our inventory (step 4). I've come to realize lately that I have a big nasty one: pride.

Now, pride can be a good, or a bad thing. It's good to look inside and see the good things about yourself and be accepting and even proud of them. But what I'm talking about it the pride of self that says, "I am better and stronger than everyone else, and therefore I don't need them." Sure, I take criticism. I listen when people point out my flaws, but I've always thought I was better than other people. People are inherently weak and flawed, so I have to be stronger and more "perfect."

But no man is an island. The moment I walked into the rooms of AA I admitted I wasn't all powerful, and in fact, flawed. I admitted that I needed the help of other people to make me a better person. I admitted defeat and made my first small steps towards humility.

A little of that healing touch

So false pride became the reverse side of that ruinous coin marked "Fear." - 12 & 12

Reverb today asks: how would you like to be healed in 2011. Oh, how wouldn't I. I suppose doing my fourth step, I'll figure out more about what's wrong with me in the first place, but what I really want, what I'd like to see healed is my ego. Oh! How wrong of an alcoholic, and how typical, to say it. After all, they say ego gets in the way of our path to sobriety. Ego is what keeps us drinking. We have to rid ourselves of pride and ego in order to beat this thing back.

But I'd really like a little pride back. A little ego. Maybe I should just call it self-love, or being proud of oneself. That's what I really mean, after all. It's tough to be unemployed and think of yourself as anything but a loser, especially in this town. It's a busy town, where the first question people ask is, "So what do you do? Who do you work for?" And I have to say, I'm job hunting. I suppose I could lie and say I'm taking some time off or something, and I sure don't have to say I was fired, but I'm taking that situation by situation. Some days I'm feeling creative and say I work for the state, and some days I just say I'm unemployed.

I would like a little pride healed up, though. I took a really big blow this year, and as time passes the wound just gets salted with every unemployment check I receive. And how would that all work? Does having a job really mean you have self-worth? No. I know it doesn't, but sometimes logic doesn't win. Sometimes you just feel things, and I feel worthless without a job. I feel like my pride is nonexistent. I sleep and don't leave the house. I feel like I have nothing to share with anyone (though I keep typing to you, apparently).

So yeah, 2011, I'll take some pride.

Slowly your character defects can wear on you

I know I'm so not there yet, but we talked about step 6 today in the meeting, and it talks about being entirely ready for God to remove our defects of character. Willingness, again. Just being READY, and asking God for his help. Funny that I've been talking about character defects all day, and sins and such.

It was a little meeting, so I shared how I feel three of the sins the most: pride, sloth, and lust. I didn't share the lust part, cause it was all men and me. But I did share some things that made me think. It's funny, you never know what you're thinking till you want to speak honestly to a crowd.

I think I'm better than other people. Smarter. Prettier. Kinder. I think sometimes in meetings that people don't know how to read. I try not to judge them on that. I try not to be judgy in my pridefulness. Really, I do try. But really, just being prideful is being judgy. I wonder sometimes if people understand the words that I'm saying, and so I try not to use big words. I try to dumb it down so people understand. How bitchy of me! I underestimate people all the time. I think I'm just so much better. Wow. How awful.

And sloth. I talked before about my sloth at work, and how it's all based on fear of doing it wrong, or even doing it right. I don't get anything done because I'm so above the work, and it's boring, but really I'm just afraid to get it done. I'm afraid it won't be good enough.

Maybe with the pride I'm just afraid that really I'm dumber than everyone else. Maybe I'm just scared I'll use the wrong words, so I use simple ones. Maybe I'm underestimating myself, too.

Amazing what you discover when you really look at yourself.

Jesus, these character defects

Alcohol has gotten me in trouble more than once, but boy can I get myself into trouble.

I suppose one of my big character defects is pride. I think I'm hot shit. Well, sometimes. I vacillate wildly between thinking I'm smarter than everyone, and I'm an awful person. Let's start with thinking I'm better.

I had a job. A job that a recruiter found me, and allowed me to move to another state. A job that afforded me comfort in the form of being able to have an apartment, a car, and even get a dog. This job gave me financial stability.

But I thought it was lame. I was bored.

What was really happening was I thought I wasn't doing a very good job. I thought there was so much more I could be doing if only I knew how, but I couldn't, or wouldn't, learn. This was before Facebook, so God only knows what I did with my time, but I sure wasn't doing a lot of work.

My annual review came up, and my boss asked if I was happy. I said no. Dumbass. So she told me to leave. That day, right then and there. I was out of a job.

I wallowed in my self-hatred for four months, looking for jobs while drunk on the sofa. My boyfriend came home every night from his job and I got him to drink with me into the wee hours. Often long after he'd gone to bed I would still be up drinking and searching the internet for a new job.

In my self-loathing, I chose the first job out there, despite the incredible pay cut it presented. I didn't care - I just needed to be needed again. I was glad to have something, and I celebrated by not drinking during the week.

At my current job, I'm bored. It's so beneath me. Ha! What's really going on again is I'm not getting my work done. I'm letting the papers pile up because I don't believe I can do a good enough job on them. Even the easy stuff seems to baffle me. And here I am in this position again - I am scared of work. It intimidates me.

And that's all my pride talking. I'm too good, or too bad, for a job. It's above or beneath me. How do you handle pridefulness? Do you just make up your mind to try your hardest and not to give up because you're scared? Any thoughts?