Keep those defects, for now

"Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know". Pema Chodron

We humbly ask God to remove our character defects. They are removed whenever He wants them to be, in the order He chooses. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

I really like this quote, and I think it really applies to the steps. We have to remember that we're living on God's terms now, not according to our own will and wants. We may discover our character defects and want them gone now! We might think we can remove them by acting in different manners (which is the right step - do the next right thing), but only God can remove them from our core character.

And they stick around for a reason - often to teach us a lesson in humility. Who among us wants to keep all of their defects? I know so many of them were useful at one time, but aren't anymore, and continue to beat us down. We learn to humble ourselves before God and ask for forgiveness, acceptance, and love.

Sometimes I annoy myself with all the God talk, but it seems really important to have a spiritual program. Mine just happens to be God with a capital G. It's what I know.

Slowly your character defects can wear on you

I know I'm so not there yet, but we talked about step 6 today in the meeting, and it talks about being entirely ready for God to remove our defects of character. Willingness, again. Just being READY, and asking God for his help. Funny that I've been talking about character defects all day, and sins and such.

It was a little meeting, so I shared how I feel three of the sins the most: pride, sloth, and lust. I didn't share the lust part, cause it was all men and me. But I did share some things that made me think. It's funny, you never know what you're thinking till you want to speak honestly to a crowd.

I think I'm better than other people. Smarter. Prettier. Kinder. I think sometimes in meetings that people don't know how to read. I try not to judge them on that. I try not to be judgy in my pridefulness. Really, I do try. But really, just being prideful is being judgy. I wonder sometimes if people understand the words that I'm saying, and so I try not to use big words. I try to dumb it down so people understand. How bitchy of me! I underestimate people all the time. I think I'm just so much better. Wow. How awful.

And sloth. I talked before about my sloth at work, and how it's all based on fear of doing it wrong, or even doing it right. I don't get anything done because I'm so above the work, and it's boring, but really I'm just afraid to get it done. I'm afraid it won't be good enough.

Maybe with the pride I'm just afraid that really I'm dumber than everyone else. Maybe I'm just scared I'll use the wrong words, so I use simple ones. Maybe I'm underestimating myself, too.

Amazing what you discover when you really look at yourself.