Birthday planning begins

"I think it would be nice, but I'm scared I'm going to hurt myself."

"I think you should go."

What the hell kind of therapy is that? Emily's parents have a beach house they said I could use, so I was thinking of going there for my birthday. Just go dip my toes in the ocean and have a few days completely alone. But it scares me. To be somewhere no one can get to me, 2 hours away, alone. I feel like it's a perfect opportunity to kill myself. Just wander out into the ocean and not come back. It scares me.

I asked Julie about it, and she thinks I should go. I think she's insane. I told my mom I was going to go, and she sent me an email entitled "Red Flags." Even the crazy person thought it was a bad idea to spend my birthday alone at the beach.

So I signed myself up for a spa day instead. I booked a mud wrap, massage, manicure, and pedicure. I'm going to get all relaxed and prettied up and hope that someone will take me out to dinner. Or screw them all - I'll take myself out to dinner. I need to think of a good restaurant. I don't care if it's expensive. I want to have a nice day.

Serotonin syndrome

Never look up the drug interactions for stuff you're taking. It just leads to paranoia. Apparently, lithium and Celexa together can increase your risk for serotonin syndrome. What the hell is that? You say. It sounds awful, and can kill you, but it's basically just overdose. So how do you avoid it? Keep those levels of lithium in check and monitor your symptoms.

I'm not going to check out the interactions between Celexa and anything else. I have a feeling I shouldn't be taking stuff like Benedryl, but I do love Benedryl. It's the only thing that keeps me sane in the spring. I'll just have to watch for signs of something ominous.

Lithium in the body

I was sitting here wondering if lithium has an effect on the liver, and I came across an interesting discussion on lithium and alcohol. Apparently the only real effect it has is that you can get dehydrated by alcohol and that can raise the lithium levels in your body. So basically, stay hydrated.

It's funny; the last time I was on lithium I was taking LSD about once a week and smoking pot as much as possible. I never combined lithium and LSD on the same day (I usually didn't take my meds on the weekends), because I was afraid of what would happen. The one time I forgot and combined them I almost died. I suppose it was smart of me to not combine. Now, I have so many drugs to think about and no illegals to combine with.

Oh, and no, lithium works through the kidneys. It's a salt (duh), and comes and goes through the renal system. They check your thyroid and kidneys for functioning because it works through both of those and can have dangerous side effects.

The thyroid part of that really makes me nervous. Both my mom and my dad's mom have thyroid problems, so I'm guessing it's just a matter of time before mine goes haywire. And of course, I have to take the drug that messes with it.

Lessons learned in therapy

And that's another thing: I'm ok with me. Julie keeps saying, "You're the most well-adjusted person I know. What are you doing in therapy?" I honestly don't know. I think I'm just lonely and don't trust people.

Ohh, there's a biggie. I don't trust people. I don't want to let anyone in to know the real stuff going on inside. If I read the blog I'd probably realize it's not as bad as my brain makes it out to be, but I always worry people are going to judge me. I don't care if a therapist judges me. Her job is to just listen and comment, and she does it. Although Julie is a little obsessed with making good changes in my life. She's big into getting me some friends. I feel bad for her. I'm an isolating person.... I'm just bad at getting out there. I'd rather be at home.

But, I'm also an extrovert. I go out all the time, apparently. I just looked over my calender and last month I did a lot of stuff, or planned on it and couldn't find dates. Whatever. See? People suck.

Lessons learned from being sober

"...then we can sit in the kitchen and drink mimosas, though I doubt you'll do it."

Was that a challenge or is she recognizing what I am? I told you I'm not going to restrict myself to not drinking after my one year. I think I've learned a lot of valuable lessons:

1. Just because it's there doesn't mean you have to drink it
2. You can drink one and then switch to non-alcoholic
3. You can celebrate without alcohol

I think these were things I needed to learn. Lessons that will take me far. I've also had a peek at AA and learned a lot about what the program is and isn't. It's a great program, and I think it does a lot to compliment life changes. AA is somewhere you can go with like-minded folks and deal with the ups and downs of alcoholism and all that comes with it. It's like group therapy, though no commenting on other people's issues.

But I think I'm good. I haven't had much luck finding "like" folks in AA; people I can really relate to. People seem to have a lot worse luck with alcohol than me. So I think I'll be ok with the occasional drink. A glass of wine here, a beer there. And now I know I can go without when I have to drive. I'm not going to set all sorts of perimeters for myself, I'm just going to say it's ok.

But Diane thinks I won't do it. "I think you like not drinking." And you know what? She's right. I kind of like not being drunk. I've also realized that my personality is the same. I'm still the wacky, do it on a dare kind of person, drunk or sober. I have the courage to do anything and I never needed alcohol to get me to that point. It's not like I ever used it that way, but it's just nice to observe that you're the same person drunk or sober.

More from Post Secret

Get yer ass outdoors

Well, you knew it all along. The treadmill gets a bad rap for a reason. "Compared with exercising indoors, exercising in natural environments was associated with greater feelings of revitalisation, increased energy and positive engagement, together with decreases in tension, confusion, anger and depression." That's right, not only do you get the benefits of exercising by doing it outdoors, but you're more likely to be happier afterwards than your treadmill cousins.

Do you think this will encourage me? Well, I'm so out of shape now that I worry about running outside. Will I have the energy to get back home? I always push myself and then drag-ass back home. Should I take it outside? The treadmill sure is boring. But I've been on it every other day for a week. It's getting to be a habit, almost.