Moderately abled

Here's something I found interesting: "Bipolar disorder is responsible for the loss of more disability-adjusted life-years than all forms of cancer or major neurologic conditions such as epilepsy and Alzheimer's disease, primarily because of its early onset and chronicity across the life span."

I know my mom hasn't worked in 14 years, and probably never will again, even though she's otherwise perfectly capable of working. Unfortunately, she gets really manic or paranoid and runs herself out of a job within 6 months. There seems to be a theme online, too, that the Twitterers and bloggers are all writers for a living. Is it because we bipolars don't play well with others? Are we hard to work with? Who knows, but we do have higher disability rates than others, apparently.

Facebook won't save you

Now in Britain you can report your Facebook friends who you think might need a little help. "The initiative was unveiled just weeks after it emerged that a British charity worker left a suicide note on Facebook but none of her 1,082 friends on the site responded. Some even mocked her note."

Now, the mocking part stings. It wasn't necessary in the article, but it does deliver a little slap. None of her over 1,000 friends took it seriously, and some even thought she was making a joke. It just goes to show that you have to take these things seriously.

I remember in high school a friend of mine told me how he was going to kill himself the next week. He had it all planned out, and man was it elaborate. I couldn't help myself - I went straight to the principal. I remember sitting in the office when they brought my friend in, and he glared at me. I was so scared that he would hate me, but I knew it had been the right thing to do. A few days later when he was back at school he thanked me for saving his life. I had helped someone listen to him. We're still friends (we even have matching tattoos) and I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

I hope that one of my 364 friends would speak up for me if they saw something wrong on Facebook or Twitter. You hate to think technology makes you more alone, but it kind of does. People seem to distance themselves from real life and become friends in name only. I try to see those people as much as possible. Most of those people are family or family of close friends. It's good to keep everyone connected.

And the psych says.....

So the doc gave me an up on the Celexa and some Abilify "In case you need it." It's just for adding to my stash of random meds in the closet in case of depression or mania. I have some Zyprexa leftover and some Seroquel. When I moved I got rid of most of the random pills, but I'm keeping the hard hitters.

"Now, the higher dose of Celexa might make you manic. Can your dad watch out for you?" Sure, I said. I told Michael that, and he said, "Your dad could politely be referred to as a bit oblivious." It's true. I don't think he would notice if I became manic. I'm not sure I would notice. It's so hard to tell. Michael suggested I watch my sleep. Anything would be better than right now where I'm just sleepy all the time.

No increase with the lithium, which I like. We're just staying stable on that one. All in all, not a bad visit. Back in July.

We're all crazy here

"The U.S. attracts people who believe they can achieve a better life," Schlager says. "They come to believe they can pick up and start again. It's a self-selected sample of people who are grandiose and impulsive. It takes a certain suspension of belief to actually believe you can come here and make it happen. Those are a significant percentage of people on the bipolar spectrum."

The U.S. has the highest bipolar rate out of 11 countries studied. Of course, countries with more stigma had lower rates, probably because of a reluctance to talk about it, but the researchers used the same criteria all across the board in one-on-one discussions with people.

So why is the U.S. so crazy? I like the theory above. The theory that it takes someone a little hypomanic to think they're going to succeed halfway across the world with no money and not knowing the language. Hell, I think I can make it in Austria all the time. Luckily, I won't move without a job. Homeless I will not be, no thanks. My mom does it sometimes, and I'm not interested.

Anyway, it's pretty neat to think of a country of individuals and adventurers as a bunch of bipolars, too. Apparently, we're all crazy here.

Checking for the refill

So I have about 40 minutes before I have to leave to go see the doc, and I'm trying to get my brain together. What do I feel? How am I? Am I depressed? Manic? Neither? What's really going on? And you know what? I have absolutely no idea. I mean, I'm tired as hell - which could be the Celexa or could be the lack of Abilify - and all I want to do is sleep. I'm getting fat, which is pissing me off. I'm still unemployed, which is also pissing me off. And nothing is changing. It's all still the way it was months ago. But hey, I'm not suicidal! Hooray!

What do I tell the man, then? Well, I've started having the energy to brush my teeth, which is a good sign. When I'm depressed the teeth are the first things to go. I'm sure I'm going to have major trouble with them when I'm older. Sometimes I wish for a little teeth brushing OCD but it never happens. I have a friend who was a meth head and that was his quirk. He has great teeth.

Back to me. I'm able to get up and get dressed everyday. I'm showering and putting on clean clothes that look nice. I took a trip. If anything, it's a low-level depression. And I think it's all situational. I'm pissed and depressed for really good reasons.

It's only been 2 days without the Abilify and I can't identify differences besides being really tired. I'm not sure he's going to give me more of it. He may increase the lithium, which would suck, I think. I already don't like it. It makes my stomach hurt if I don't eat with it, which I forgot to do this morning, and it makes me really thirsty. Damn salt.

Maybe he won't do anything. We shall see.

Number 23

I had another interview this morning with a place I used to work a long time ago. It's a great company with a great mission, but it has it's fair share of problems. The woman I interviewed with assured me that a lot has changed in the past few years. They have stronger leadership, and a better strategic plan. I sure hope so. I don't know if I would work there, but I think I might. I liked it, despite it's faults.

Haven't heard anything from the northern job today. She's supposed to get in touch with me about some work I did for her as an example. Hopefully she liked it. I did hear from a place I interviewed with 6 months ago and they then had to take the position down. They were doing some restructuring. They called to say I was last times' top candidate, and would I like to reapply. I suppose I might as well.

So I suppose I'll just sit here and send out more resumes. I totally lost track of how many of those I've sent out. It's got to be a ridiculous number at this point. I mean, 3 cities, hundreds of jobs? Amazing I've ONLY had 23 interviews. Only.

I stole this it was so good

So good, I stole it from Beyond Blue:

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego."

He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Think about that for a minute. The one you feed. The one you tend to. Of course, this applies to everything from depression to alcoholism. Sit around wallowing in your depression and you're sure to feel it. But do something kind for yourself and you'll feel better. Promise.

Julie has been telling me to buy myself flowers. I've actually been doing it, and I do feel special when I see them. I like flowers so much, and they really perk up my windowsill. Just a simple act of kindness to myself makes a world of difference.

So which one will you feed today?