This is so not me right now

I like this, from over at Beyond Blue: Hypomania usually takes a bad habit and multiplies it by, say 100.

Damn, girl, ain't that the truth. What bad habit do you have? Let's make it 100% worse! Like to snort blow? Let's do it sunrise to sundown! Like to sleep with people? How about 5 this week? One for every day, you know!

At least, that's what my mania looks like. It takes me to awesome places of danger and expense of health and sanity. My hypomania looks more like shopping and overextending myself, which is probably good for me (well, not my credit cards). I also like to sign up for marathons and book plane tickets. A strange mania, indeed.

So where am I right now? I'm pretty depressed. I can feel it lurking under the surface. I just want to sleep, but I'm not tired. I just want to eat, but I'm not hungry. I need to work out, but my body just feels like it's dragging when I do. And I am not enthusiastic about anything. I don't feel so hot.

Released to the wild

I let go a little today, and traded in 5 boxes of books for $15. I know! I was almost appalled at how little could be offered for my treasures, but I let them go all the same. I want to them to have a good home. I want people to find them on the shelves of that rinky dink bookstore and wonder, "Will this be as good as it looks?" And for the majority of them, I can say yes. I've read and loved each of those books, and each one is it's own special piece.

I sat in my storage space this morning and went through my boxes one by one. 15 boxes of just books, and I managed to let go of a third. I think that's major progress. It made me want to dig deeper in to storage. What else can I let go of? What else don't I need in my life? I can't think of anything in there but the dried goods that I could get rid of. I really had a pared down life. I didn't collect, except books and art.

I found my taxes, too, though a few weeks too late. I also found a vision board I made last year for Jennifer's birthday. I didn't look at it. I know it's bright and positive. It is colorful and cheery, with a melancholic undertone. I just know. That's what my visions are always like.

We're doomed

Interesting article about the "epidemic" of mental illness in the U.S. Apparently, they think it's caused by the very meds used to treat us. Here, you read:

Prozac and other SSRI antidepressants block the reuptake of serotonin . In order to cope with this hindrance of normal function, the brain tones down its whole serotonergic system . Neurons both release less serotonin and down-regulate (or decrease) their number of serotonin receptors . The density of serotonin receptors in the brain may decrease by 50% or more . As part of this adaptation process, Hyman noted, there are also changes in intracellular signaling pathways and gene expression . After a few weeks, Hyman concluded, the patient's brain is functioning in a manner that is "qualitatively as well as quantitatively different from the normal state" (Hyman & Nestler, 1996, p . 161).

In short, psychiatric drugs induce a pathology.

Basically, the drugs tell your brain to quit with the serotonin production. I always wondered what exactly they were doing up there. It sounds like a not so hot thing, and my theory that once you take drugs you can't stop seems to go along with this article. Once your brain makes an adaptation like that, it relies on the drug. So if you go off drugs, like I did, you're screwed.

Pick a dart

At the beginning of the study we find out this: "people who drank diet soda every day had a 61 percent higher risk of vascular events." So you're more likely to have a heart attack or stroke if you drink diet soda everyday. Why? "In the study, people who consumed more than 4,000 milligrams (mg) per day of sodium had more than double the risk of stroke compared to those consuming less than 1,500 mg per day."

But diet Coke only has 28mg of sodium in it. So how much sodium are we supposed to get? "Only a third of participants met the current U.S. Dietary Guidelines for Americans that recommend daily sodium intake fall below 2,300 mg, or about a teaspoon of salt, Gardener said. Only 12 percent of subjects met the American Heart Association's recommendations to consume less than 1,500 mg a day. Average intake was 3,031 milligrams."

1.500mg. That's a lot of diet soda to be taking in. I probably don't get that much in soda, and I drink a lot of it. I wonder about taking lithium with the sodas, since the amount of salt in my bloodstream has to be obscene. I don't eat out much, and I don't put salt on my food, so I'm mostly getting it from diet Coke.

I suppose I could just switch to 7-Up, though I doubt there's lithium in it anymore.

Life is a symphony

"A new study in Biological Psychiatry implicates a brain protein called Piccolo in the risk for inheriting bipolar disorder. In the orchestra of neuronal proteins, Piccolo is a member of a protein family that includes another protein called Bassoon. Piccolo is located at the endings of nerve cells, where it contributes to the ability of nerve cells to release their chemical messengers."

And the flute gives you schizophrenia. I suppose researchers ran out of abbreviations and started using common names. I would love to hear a discussion on all of this. I bet it's confusing as hell.

Anyway, finding a genetic protein involved in bipolar is a great start. Perhaps they'll be able to do testing eventually to see if people really have bipolar, and then maybe develop some drugs that target that protein. Or figure out why the ones we have work. Science is fascinating.

Red Bull gives you... what?

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Red Bull gives you mania. I had a Red Bull this morning at the shop and I've been buzzing ever since. I've also had 3 diet Cokes and went to the gym for an hour. Surprisingly, all I want to do it lie down for a nap. It's seeming to have the opposite effect. I want to be amped, and I'm not really feeling that high. Then again....

They know energy drinks, especially Red Bull with it's taurine, can trigger mania.
"They contain, along with lots of stimulating caffeine, chemicals such as taurine and inositol which have been found at elevated levels in brains during mania and psychosis." Fascinating, right? Well if the doc takes away the Abilify maybe I'll just shoot for a Red Bull a day. That should keep me up.

God I love caffeine.

More jobs

Someone at a place I used to work just sent me a job posting there and told me to apply. Then the boss of that unit emailed me and told me about the position. Cosmic influence? It's a hard place to work - full-time stress - but a good place. And they are close to here and pay well. I wouldn't mind going back, I don't think. So I just applied. We'll see how it goes. They would have to act fast, since I'm on interview #3 with another place that I don't really want to work, but will. I'm not going to turn anything down from now on. I shouldn't have turned the other one down, but I would have been bored. At this point I'll take bored over this.