I'm not myself, you see

I'm running out of cigarettes, and I know that if I leave the house to get them that means I'm perfectly capable of leaving the house to go to a meeting. I don't really feel like being around people right now, but I know meetings always make me feel better. What I need to do is finally make it to that dual-diagnosis meeting in the city. It happens every day at 6, which while I'm unemployed would be super easy to make. I need to talk about how crazy I'm feeling.

It really just started last week when I wrote about how I always hated myself. I try not to think of those things. I'm a generally happy person, even in depression I try to put on a happy face. Thinking about how I really feel makes me anxious. It makes me more depressed to think of how depressed I am.

But I'm feeling pretty crazy right now. I can't stop thinking, and typing it out apparently, and my sleep is all messed up. I don't know if I'm up or down.

"I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir,' said Alice, 'Because I'm not myself you see."