Perhaps it's hypomania

I think perhaps I'm hypomanic. I don't fit the mania criteria right now, since I'm not feeling like I'm on top of the world or having grandiose thoughts. But my mind is racing, and I'm feeling less need for sleep. Or at least having a lot of trouble sleeping. I can't seem to stay asleep even when I do go to bed, so it seems silly to go to bed and just lie there and toss and turn.

Hypomania isn't quite as much fun. I think it's really a mixed episode, because I'm feeling depressed, too. I don't know what I feel. Let's think it out here.

I can't sleep. I have a headache (probably from lack of sleep). I'm worried all the time. My mind is racing. I'm worried about things that may never happen at all, just for the fun of worrying. I feel like I hate myself and I'm a piece of shit, but then I tell myself how great I am and how lucky I am. Then again, hypomania is more about grandiose thoughts, goal related activities, and things like that. I am obsessively applying for and checking job sites. It's become an hourly ordeal that I go through. Check job sites, check email for job notices, re-read the postings I applied for, repeat.

At least I'm not irritable. Sometimes I get so damn cranky. I was cranky this afternoon, but I think it was because I hadn't eaten anything in a while. I'm also feeling really anti-social, rather than social, and I don't feel like shopping. I think that's the depression part of the mixed episode. I'm getting some of the psychotic symptoms I get in mania, like when I think my dog is going to bit my face off or I'm going to push someone into traffic. I hate those thoughts. I hate when I feel like doing something totally irrational like that. I would never want to hurt another person, but sometimes the feelings are really strong. Most of the time it's me I want to push in front of a bus, and I have to stand far away from the sidewalk just in case. Jesus, I want another cigarette, but I just went out and the door is so damn loud.