Waiting for the drugs to kick in

Adam just called and asked if I wanted to go to a meeting with him in half an hour. I would like to see him, but I had to decline. I couldn't even keep my voice steady on the phone, let alone in public. I'm just shaky all over the place. I feel so unstable. He asked if I was still suicidal, and I have to say I haven't had any thoughts of it lately. I've just been afraid of stuff.

There was a spider in the shower, a daddy-long-legs, which wasn't going to hurt me, but I got him down the drain anyway. And then I kept thinking he was going to come back up and attack me, so I couldn't turn my back on the drain. I'm just super amped up and anxious and I think being out in public is going to make it worse. I need to hide. He wants to come say hi anyway, which should be interesting.

I took 5mg of Zyprexa (I've been on 10 at night and 2.5 in the morning, but he said I could up it as I see fit) a minute ago. I'm hoping that will kick in and do something. I also had something to eat which sometimes calms me down, but it doesn't appear to have worked in this situation. What I really want is a Twix bar, don't ask me why.