Don't panic

Panic attacks have a huge list of fun symptoms, all of which I've felt today. I'm just super anxious. It can be caused by the meds, or by the depression, or just as part of my regular old anxiety disorder, but it's pretty big right now. I can't get over the anxious feeling.

I took a nice warm shower and that helped some, but I'm still shaking. I can't keep my hands still (which is making typing fun). That can be a side effect of the meds, too, or the anxiety.

I hate panic attacks. Just that feeling that you're shrinking and everything around you is so big and overwhelming. The feeling that you're a freak and everyone can see how much you're shaking and sweating. Your voice raises and you talk too fast, not making any sense at all. It burns just to be where people can see you, like a vampire in the noon-day sun.

Normally right now I would be chain-smoking. I would be sitting somewhere with a cup of coffee smoking cigarette after cigarette until the feeling went away. Instead, I'm here, sitting on my bed typing away. I want to take more Zyprexa and have it all go away, but I think I have to help my dad get my grandma from the airport. I don't know if I can face that. I don't know if I can handle being in the car. And then he'll want to go over to my cousin's house and hang out, which I just can't face doing. I can't face talking to people right now.

But how to make him understand? How do you explain to someone just how paralyzing anxiety can be? I suppose there's no way to make him understand. I'm just going to have to stand my ground and say no, I can't go out. He'll be disappointed, but he's going to have to get over it. I can't leave the house. I shouldn't have left the house in the first place.

I'm working myself up again. Time to medicate.