Bloated goat

Julie and I went over some of the characteristics of mania and depression again tonight. "Sounds like mania, a little, but you have some of the depressive qualities, too. Maybe it's the meds?" she said. I don't know. I've been feeling agitated since before I started on the meds. Thursday was my first panic, and I didn't start the new meds till Thursday at bed time.

So what is it? Do I have to put a label on how I feel? Can I just say I feel extremely agitated, irritable, ansty, unnerved, like everyone can see just how messed up I am. I feel like I can't stop eating no matter how much I don't want to eat any more. I feel bloated to incredible proportions. I just feel sick. By all accounts I sound and look just fine. "You actually look much better rested this week," said Julie. Probably the awesome catatonia I fall into at night on the Zyprexa.

I want off the lithium already. I don't want to go back to doing monthly blood work and being a bloated goat, eating everything in sight. Can't I just go back on the lamictal? It has a generic, right? I think it was still $100 at CVS. I need to price these things out. And what the hell is the Celexa doing? It's the antidepressant, and I suppose I'm not suicidal anymore, but that could be the Zyprexa. Jesus. If I can't tell and I'm with me all the time, how is the doc supposed to figure it out in 15 minutes?