Dog is a traitor

You know, I committed to a dog. I knew it would be 20 years or so (small dogs live forever) before he died, and I wouldn't give him back, or anything. I totally committed. And then after about 2 years I started giving him to Michael's mom for the days while I went to work. I often left him there overnight. It was like having a weekend dog. Now, my mom has kidnapped the dog. He whistles (he whistles when you come in and he missed you) for her, and not for me anymore. He jumps to her, and not to me. Traitor.

But I'm kind of glad. First, my mom really loves him and he gets more exercise than he would with me. Second, not having a dog is easier. I can have a social life now and not worry about getting home to let the dog out (if I had a social life). Moving some place will be easier.

I feel really bad about giving up the dog, and I love him and miss him, but it just makes my life easier. How selfish, I know! This is why I think I shouldn't have kids. Man, that's a big commitment. And marriage. I want to get married some day, but I'll have to deal with this character flaw first. I've wanted Adam for 7 years, but maybe it's because I can't have him? What if we got together and I got bored? I somehow don't think that would happen, because my relationship with him is so different from any other. But there's always that chance.

Committed to commitment

"the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled."

Obligated. They say commitment is making a plan and following through with it. I have absolutely no problem with that, but it's the feeling obligated, perhaps, that is the question for me. I can set my mind to anything and jump, but that's just it: I love the jump. I love to try new things. I love to move (I move apartments every year or so). I love to meet new people. I love to visit new places.

When I went to Austria I wanted to move there. Wherever I go I think about moving there. Now, because of the job hunt, I have to go wherever I find work, which I find exciting and fresh! I can't wait to find out where so I can plan. There's just so much to do, and it's all so much fun! Even things like finding a new dentist make me happy. I love shiny and new.

Perhaps it's not commitment, it's just attention span? I think they go hand in hand, though. I can't commit long-term to anything because I get bored. I need to try something new. Restlessness and short attention span are manic symptoms. Maybe I just hit the manic part in my cycle about once a year? I usually get these urges in the spring, which is historically when I've been manic.

But let's not blame it all on the mania. Let's blame mom! After all, we're all programmed by our past experiences. But really, I'm sure a lot of this is learned behavior. Leave before you get disappointed. Leave before they leave you.

Let's build somethng together

"What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it?" I'm digging these Reverb posts.

You know what I'd like to try? Longevity. Longevity, you say? How odd. Well, I have that impulsivity problem we talked about before. I like to jump from place to place, from thing to thing. I can't seem to stay in a job for more than a year and a half before I just have to get out, and I take the first thing that comes along. I don't wait to see what's coming, I just jump.

So what I want to try is longevity. I would like to make a commitment to my next job, and stay. Stay for maybe 5 years. Stay and grow in a job. Build relationships, and really give it a shot. I would like to move someplace, or even stay here, and stay for another 5 years at least. I would like to maybe get in a relationship that lasts more than a year and a half.

See, that seems to be my breaking point. After a year and a half I get bored with everything and everyone. I need something new, something refreshing. I get too close to people, or they get too close to me, and I have to push them away. I get too settled in a job, and I have to run away. Why am I afraid of commitment?

Wow, I just realized that. I'm afraid of commitment. Huh.