Alone in a crowded room

I'm not sure what to do with myself. I had about 3 or 4 hours of sleep before Adam texted. He said he didn't like where we left it last night, and he hates having serious conversations late at night because nothing comes out right. He's probably right, there, but I believe in having conversations when they come up, not at predetermined times. You just end up not having them, then. Anyway, nothing was solved by text this morning. That was the end of the conversation - he feels bad and woke up thinking about it.


I'm not hungry. I've had coffee and diet Coke today and a cheese bite. I worked a little this morning and tried to just listen to music and space out, but I couldn't even focus on that. My mom also emailed yesterday saying she might move up north and wants to take the dog. I told her the dog was hers. He's already been there for months, and she really loves him. I think it's best for both of them. But it's still a loss for me.

I'm feeling really lonely right now. I don't have anything of my own, except some clothes and jewelry, my friends are all really far away, I lost my dog, and it's weird, but my dad being on vacation this week has made it worse. I just feel... alone. Not in like the, hey, I'm the only one in the apartment, alone, but alone like there's no one else in the building.

I'm jumping from up to down a lot. I need to just chill - just relax and stop thinking so much about everything.

Joy to the world, the dog has come

Reverb: What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

Ordinary? Well, I could say getting cookies in the mail, when Adam came out of the airport, or getting fired, but none of those were ordinary moments. All of them were once in a lifetime, or extraordinary events. But one thing that happened all the time made me especially happy one day.

I had had a bad day at work, as usual. I was feeling like I wanted to scream, or cry, or both. My boss just... well... he was just him. I left work downhearted and walked to my car across four lanes of traffic, in the concrete jungle. I was thinking how I just needed to get away, how I needed a new job, how I was just depressed. I had been depressed for half a year, at least. Just a low level depression, but enough to put me to bed at 8am every night.

I drove down the highway contemplating change. Anything to get out of where I was - to feel better. I thought about going home for a week, or just upright moving somewhere else. I thought about taking a day off and heading for the mountains. I daydreamed all the way home.

But when I walked in the door I was greeted with squeaking and kisses. He leaped into my arms and licked my face, and I was happy again. Just that simple love of a dog made everything else alright. Everything in that moment was joy and love; the love of a little dog.

And now he's over at my mom's, and has really become her dog. It makes me a little sad, and I miss him, but both of them are happy, and that makes me happy. I'm glad I could give her something to love that would love her back in the same way.

So one tiny little dog has caused innumerable joy across my family. Thanks puppy.

Dog is a traitor

You know, I committed to a dog. I knew it would be 20 years or so (small dogs live forever) before he died, and I wouldn't give him back, or anything. I totally committed. And then after about 2 years I started giving him to Michael's mom for the days while I went to work. I often left him there overnight. It was like having a weekend dog. Now, my mom has kidnapped the dog. He whistles (he whistles when you come in and he missed you) for her, and not for me anymore. He jumps to her, and not to me. Traitor.

But I'm kind of glad. First, my mom really loves him and he gets more exercise than he would with me. Second, not having a dog is easier. I can have a social life now and not worry about getting home to let the dog out (if I had a social life). Moving some place will be easier.

I feel really bad about giving up the dog, and I love him and miss him, but it just makes my life easier. How selfish, I know! This is why I think I shouldn't have kids. Man, that's a big commitment. And marriage. I want to get married some day, but I'll have to deal with this character flaw first. I've wanted Adam for 7 years, but maybe it's because I can't have him? What if we got together and I got bored? I somehow don't think that would happen, because my relationship with him is so different from any other. But there's always that chance.

I love my horoscope

I like this one:

"For Sunday, December 12 -If you sense something new coming today, you are correct -- right around the corner there is an opportunity coming that will challenge and excite you. Your instincts, as usual, are totally on target. This is just one more confirmation that you are taking the right path."

Oh! Something awesome this way comes, so says the horoscope. The more I'm looking at moving into the City, the more it looks pretty cool. I wouldn't mind another big city. I really like them, and this one also has great public transportation. I wouldn't mind selling my car and avoiding $400 a month in car and insurance fees. That's money towards a nicer apartment! Plus, my mom has officially dog-napped my dog, so I don't have those bills anymore. It's sad, because I do love the little bugger, but it does make life easier. I don't have to worry about him being home alone, because she's retired, and that makes me happy. He's loving life.

So I have this interview tomorrow. It's a big organization, so I'm hoping the pay scale is large, too. I don't know what I would ask for, because I'm not sure what the scale looks like there. I need to do a little research, first.

Doglet is back!

I have my dog back! He's pouting a little cause now he's used to chasing squirrels all day, but he'll get used to 6th floor living eventually. I'm not sure what we're going to do for Thanksgiving. He's going to have to come with us, cause my mom's apartment building won't let him stay anymore. She was going to move out, but it's really expensive and she's living on a fixed income. And I sure as hell can't help her.

My aunt and uncle have a HUGE lab, who I'm not sure if he likes little dogs. Mine is about 110 pounds smaller. We'll probably have to keep him in the cage at my grandma's during dinner over at my uncle's house. I feel bad for the dog. He's going to have a much more restricted life over here. My mom is really sad, too. She loves him, and loves taking him out on long walks.

But it's nice to have him back. It's like having a little piece of home.

I miss my puppy

Got to see my puppy along with the plant drop-off. I miss my dog a lot. He's a sweetheart, and he makes me happy. I've been looking at a lot of apartments around the area, and the cheaper ones are of course no pets. I think it's important to have my dog around, even if it's only on the weekends.

Sometimes I can't believe I'm sober. I think this whole process of job hunting is incredibly easier to do when sober. I'm not waking up confused and foggy anymore, and it's easier to answer questions clearly. I passed one of my old haunts yesterday, my dive bar, and today I passed the fancy restaurant my gay boyfriend used to take me to. It's his favorite place, and we always ended up with three bottles of wine, or so, even after we'd been out all night.

It was funny to pass by and not have been there. He called the other day and said he had to look up online what to do with a sober friend. Apparently, "it's take you to a park or read the bible." He cracks me up.

What to do with el doggo?

So I did a little calculations, and I would have a pretty good chunk of money leftover at the end of the day if they paid me on the top of the scale. The only thing now is the commute. I would have to leave my house at 7am, and wouldn't get back till 7pm. That's kind of insane. I suppose I could stop at the club two metro stops away and go to the 6pm meeting, and get home at 7:45 or so. Maybe 8. That's hard with a dog.

Something my aunt suggested yesterday was to "give up custody" of my dog to my mom, and just take him on the weekends. I think that would be ideal, since I'd be gone all day and most of the night every day. I'm mostly home on weekends anyway, and I could take him to the dog park and running and such. It might be the best idea. I wonder if my mom will fall for it. If I live near her, she could keep my car during the week, too. It would be a good deal for her and the dog.

I'm getting ahead of myself a bit. I still need to be offered a job.

Come on, God

I swear God is testing me. How much can he add to my plate before I start to really get worried? I don't have a job, or a house, my car is far away, so is my dog, and now my mom might have to move because of the dog, and I have to pay $700 for her to move into a dog building. Or I could take him here, but I worry about being in a high rise and him wanting to go out all the time. Plus, I wouldn't be able to leave to go places like meetings and interviews. How selfish of me. I should just bring him here.

But I won't break. I don't want a drink. All I can think of is getting relief from running. I'm trying not to do it through eating or smoking, which is hard to do anyway. I applied somewhere today that is a smoke free workplace, because it's a hospital, and so I would have to quit if I worked someplace like that.

They are all little things, but I feel like I'm being tested. I've had enough crap in my life already that you think I would get a free pass or something. But life is life, and I can't control any of it. All I can do is my best.

The job hunt

I'm sitting here at midnight job hunting. I keep refreshing the page thinking they'll be something new, but not even east coast recruiters are recruiting this early. I think I'm just doing it as habit, now.

I can't sleep. That's not true, I did sleep. I just woke up at 10 after sleeping since 6. I love naps during the day. Now, of course, I'm not tired. So I'm sitting here typing away and telling stories. I love to tell stories. It's actually what I do for a living. I call myself a bullshit artist, because I get to take a simple program and make it sound like a community-building, life-changing experience. It's fun!

So that's what I'm looking for - more bullshit work. There are some good options out there, but I'm trying to be picky. I'm picking stuff close to where I want to live, and not out in the boonies. There's one for a company I would want to work for, but they're across the metro area from where I want to live, and that's just too much of a commute for me. I actually don't mind commuting, but with the dog, well, I don't want to be too much of a burden on my mom.

Thank God my mom offered to watch the dog. I couldn't afford doggy daycare, and I'm sure he'd get kicked out. Well, that or another dog would try to eat him. Dogs like to attack my dog, which could be another reason he's so skittish and needy.

So I'll keep looking. I really hope I get the one I interviewed for. It just sounds like a nice challenge.

Finding a house

I love looking at houses. I always think about buying a nice house near home with hardwood floors, big windows, and a yard. Not too much to ask, right? I sure wish I could afford one.

I'm looking at renting places right now. There are some really cute things near home, which would be close enough to my mom to get the dog there in the morning (cause he still couldn't be alone, damn dog). Plus, it would be close if I get the job I'm interviewing for, because it's in the same town. Though it is next to public transportation, as well.

I was thinking about getting a roommate again. I don't mind them at all, but I don't know how the dog would do with people he doesn't know coming in and out. He'd have to meet all their friends as well as mine so that he wouldn't bark at them.

But I do enjoy living alone. You can walk around naked and not offend anyone. Even if I stay here I'll probably move. I live in a hobbit hole. It's a basement apartment that is cold, dark, and has no direct sunlight at all. Ever. I love it! It's like living in a cave. It's freezing, and has no heat (which is illegal, but I've just never dealt with it. I don't care that much - I have a heater). But I keep getting harassed to go live somewhere with sunshine. Sun is good for depression - hiding in your cave is not. So we'll see what happens either way.

Dog, you are so on my list

I am so bitter against my dog sometimes. It's like having a small child that barks at everything and sheds. My dog is so on my list.

He is a destroyer when I'm not around. It's not like he eats my shoes (though he ate my favorite pair when he was a puppy) but he freaks out when I'm not around and pulls the carpet back from the door. I'm never getting my deposit back. I've trained him to be alone for 15 minutes while I walk over to buy cigarettes or diet Coke, but longer than that and he's got to go in his house (the cage). He can be in there up to 3 hours, which is what happens when I go to meetings or have to hit the grocery store.

But home alone all day? There's no way in hell. I'm really lucky that my ex's mom and I are friends, because she takes him while I'm at work and when I'm out of town. Or, on night's like tonight when I had a late meeting and didn't feel like driving out of my way to go get him.

I miss him when he's gone. He can be super annoying, but he's also super cute and loving. He loves to cuddle. He's a good dog. But he's still on my list.