Is that you God?

There's a neat little post today on Acting On Impulse (on Paulo Coehlo's blog). The priest has an internal impulse to preach right then and there and, despite his embarrassment and inclination to stay seated, he delivers a sermon. He never gets to know if it had any impact on anyone, or sees any tangible results, but he still believes that it served some purpose.

Sometimes you just have to listen to your HP. Sometimes those little "impulses" are your HP talking to you, telling you the right thing to do in the moment. But how can you tell if it's ego telling you what to do or your HP? That's where it gets tricky. There are some obvious indicators - like if it's something obviously bad for you or others, like stealing or lying, it's probably your ego; and if it's something like helping an old lady across the street or being a priest and delivering a sermon, that's probably a good thing. But what about all the other little impulses?

That's where having a relationship with your HP in the first place comes in handy. You're more likely to do what's right if you know where the next right action's message usually comes from. I know when I talk to and hear from God I get a calming feeling. So if I'm feeling calm and get an impulse to do something, I can usually suspect good things. If I'm all amped up, I bet it's just my mania talking.

You'll find your own way of telling, but just make sure the things you do won't get you or anyone else in prison, and you're probably ok.

A higher power in the solstice

The total eclipse tonight was pretty cool. Click here to see NASA's photo stream from Flickr. It was pretty amazing to see that big rock just sitting there in the sky. It looked like it was just hanging there "Like a balloon," my dad said. It makes you think about planets, rocks, gravity, and the expansive nature of the universe.

There's so much out there that we can't possibly be the only sentient-life-formed-filled planet. There has to be other places where souls exist in some form or another. A place where they've come up with their own higher powers. Where they watch total eclipses and think of rocks and gravity, even if they haven't discovered gravity yet. Or did way before we did.

So why would a higher power give a shit about us? Well, maybe when you think like that, you just have to think "higher" doesn't mean "smarter" it can just mean bigger. Something out there is bigger and more important than you. And that's an easy one to see. It's pretty obvious we're little and the world revolves around something other than us. If you believe in the bigger not necessarily wiser version of a higher power, you still have to admit that the laws of physics know more than you do, and the universe is incredibly smarter in it's constant turnings and twistings to keep life forms alive and giant rocks flowing in different patterns.

Whatever you think a higher power is, it made a pretty good show tonight. Happy solstice!

HP can keep you sober

Sometimes they say alcoholism is a spiritual malady; a hole in the soul, if you will.

"However, new research shows that as attendance of AA meetings increase, so do the participants spiritual beliefs, especially in those individuals who had low spirituality at the beginning of the study."

So that belief in a higher power actually does do you some good. It can help you heal that alcohol problem you have. In other words, rely on your higher power. But don't let it be the fellowship for too long. Mr. Sponsorpants hates that. Because:

"It's not the fellowship which gets us drunk. It's our unrealistic expectations, our ego, our resentments, towards people in AA which will get us drunk -- it's on us, not on them, not on the fellowship."

Only a higher power is something that can lead your life, and lead you to a life free of alcohol. Something or some people that can lead to resentments (because no one is perfect) will get you back on the bottle in time. Of course, lots of people develop resentments against their God; even Mother Theresa was mad at God in her journals. But if you rely on that higher power you can let go.

Humility humbles me.

AA talks a lot about humility. Humble yourself before your Higher Power. Gain humility in your dealings with others. Remove your selfishness and self-centered pride. But what does humility really mean? I don't know if I have any, since I don't think I understand the concept very well. Maybe you have this problem, too. I suppose like any good alcoholic, or any person, really, I'm far too concerned with myself to look outwards. So let's take a look at the word itself.

"Humility or humbleness is a quality of being courteously respectful of others. It is the opposite of aggressiveness, arrogance, boastfulness, and vanity. Rather than, "Me first," humility allows us to say, "No, you first, my friend." Humility is the quality that lets us go more than halfway to meet the needs and demands of others."

Huh. I don't know if I like that one. Let's try another.

"modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc."

Ah, that's more like it. A simple statement: right-sizing yourself and your problems. Each of us has a life story, and many of us have horrible things that have gone on in these stories. Much of it is what led us to drinking in the first place. But in the grand scheme of things, how important are our little lives and their petty problems? When we look outside of ourselves and count our blessings instead of losses, we can gain humility. When we ask our Higher Power for help, and even ask others for help, we gain humility.

Through the work in AA and with my therapist I'm going to start taking a good look at the problems in my life that have been preventing me from right-sizing my problems. I give too much credence to events that happened way in the past and let them rule my life. By taking a good look and then offering them to God, I'll have a better chance at living a life free of a high sense of my own struggles and gain humility.

Oh, lordy, troubles so hard.

I believe in God. Always have. Well, maybe not ALWAYS. I've had my share of doubting Thomas moments, or more accurately, a few years of trying witchcraft, Taoism, Buddhism. You know, rejecting that Catholic upbringing for something else. Anything else but nuns and priests and an unforgiving God.

And then 7 years ago I went to a conference at a nunnery round here for a college course. There were nuns (maybe 3) still living there, and they helped run the days for us, giving us food and tending to our needs.

One day, I sat down in the library and picked up a little Thomas Merton book. A nun came in, and I asked if I could ask her a question. "How do you still believe, when the church hates gays and abortion and fights wars? How do you keep the church separate from God?" And she said, "You're not a true Catholic until you question your religion."

You have to question. It's better to take a good hard look at what you believe, and decide if it's something you can take or leave. And I realized, God isn't the catholic church. My God is forgiving and all loving.

A few years later, maybe 1, I started going back to church. I thought, "Maybe this can save me. Maybe being there and reciting the hymns and prayers will take away this pain and loneliness I feel. And it did, for a while. Until life got in the way. Or to be exact, I was too hungover to think about going to church on a Sunday morning, and when I did go, I felt guilty the entire time.

So when I came to AA and they asked me to believe in a higher power, I knew that was one step that would come easy to me. I believe in God, a loving God who could forgive me my sins and help this alcoholic a second chance. I knew that I could and should go back to that fellowship that feels so comfortable and sane.

And so that's the second step: believing he can help even me. Believing there is a power out there that loves me and can help restore me to sanity. Now, the biggest step: asking him for that help.