At least I'll look cute

I have a confession: I just online shopped again. But I bought a dress that was $90 for $41. A ha! I rock. And I bought some other stuff, but I had a 20% off coupon. I got 6 items for $180 where normal items are $49 each. I think I made out pretty well, there. And I'll have lots of cute stuff to wear with my one fitting pair of pants. I need to get my jeans tailored because they just look scruffy. I was hoping I could hang on till I lose weight and just wear the stuff that's already tailored to fit, but I'm apparently going to stay fat.

It's time to go back to the gym. I went for a week straight, and then when I went up north I didn't work out at all. So that was a week off. It's Monday. Tomorrow I will start the workout week again. Every other day. That's the plan. Ugh, just thinking about it is giving me indigestion.

Like sands through the hourglass

I'm not sure if it's just money running through my fingers, or I'm just in need of a lot of stuff. I know I don't need any more shoes, though I just bought two more pair. I know I am out of hangers, but I just bought more clothes. Everything is really cute, was on sale, and is wearable to work and with other stuff I have. But man am I spending money like mad.

I also just spent $400 this morning to do more work on my tattoo, and I have two sessions left. That's a $1,400 tattoo, not including tips - and I overtip every time. I mean, the man is putting something permanent on me, I want him to be happy, too. He said he's going to add it to his book and website because he's so proud of it. That's pretty awesome.

So money is running through me like water. And my closet is full to prove it. And my back hurts. So at least I have something to show for my wastefulness.

I think I'm just nervous. If this job goes through that means I've got to get those last two sessions of tattoo done fast before I get out of dodge. Or come back. I don't want anyone else working on my tattoo but him. And if I'm moving home the dress code is WAY different. Here, it's really laid back. My boss wore sweats everyday. People show off their tattoos. At home, it's suits and high heels in the work place. None of this lazy, punk and blue hair stuff anymore. I even had pink hair this summer and no one cared. At home, that would never fly.

So updating my wardrobe is something I've been doing in order to go home. I needed some work pants and blazers instead of the cardigan I've been living in for 5 years. It's all necessary, if I'm moving.

If I'm not, at least I'll look nice while I'm moping around.

Spending frenzy

I'm on a bit of a spending spree. I bought more shoes and more clothes this week. Like I really need any more of either.... I have one closet and it's full of just summer clothes. All my winter clothes are in a box in the garage. It's going to take a bunch of boxes to get all that stuff out, and now I have even more.

Spending unwisely is a good sign of mania. I've got the money, but I should be saving in case I have to move, and I need to save for the last installment of my tattoo next week. There's so much I actually need to spend money on, that I've got to stop spending frivolously. I even put one purchase on my credit card, which I never do, and I'm feeling icky about it. I need to just pay it off tomorrow.

I can't tell if I'm manic or not. I'm not having paranoid feelings, and my anxiety is only raised when I think about my interview tomorrow. I'm not crying or drinking or doing other things that are bad for me. I have no interest in going out and finding a sex partner. These are usually all the signs. Maybe now that I'm sober my mania is changing, too? I still think I'm hypomanic. My doc said we'll watch it and see what happens; whether I go up or down.

Shopping, shopping, shopping

I always love reading what David over at Struggling is up to. He's going through a move right now, which is stressful for anyone, but he's feeling especially troubled by it. I'll let you read about it.

But today, he talked about that manic obsession to shop. Ohh, shopping. How I love and loathe thee.

I totally shop when I'm manic. I just bought a dress, a blouse, two pairs of pants, and a pair of bright red pointy-toed heels, all on a bank account that is drained to it's last little remnants. I also got a $300 hair cut and dye, $100 worth of groceries, which I have no idea where they are cause they sure as hell aren't in my fridge, and I'm getting another tattoo this weekend, so there goes the little bit I have left until I get paid next week.

Mania can really take over your bank. Usually when I'm manic I buy plane tickets. Plane tickets home, plane tickets to Europe, plane tickets wherever I feel like going. I'm going to Wyoming over Labor Day just because I've never been to Glacier National Park. Each of these things is about $500. You don't want to know what my credit card debt looks like.

Oh, but when I'm hypomanic, like I think I am now, I pay everything off. I get crazy about paying off everything in total. I just sold some of my money market funds (tax time is going to suck, so I'm saving some for April) to pay off half my credit card. I'm going to use the rest to move if I have to, and if I don't get a job then I'm going to pay off the rest of my card. I guess it's a good cycle. Spend, save, and then when I'm depressed I just worry about both of those things. I don't have enough money, I don't save enough, blah, blah, blah.

Two years ago when my grandpa died I got a sizable chunk of change from the estate. I, luckily, was depressed about it, and so took half and made that money market, and then put the rest in my savings. Well, I had to buy a car (really, my old one died), and then I just HAD to take a trip to Europe (ok, that one was just a treat). And then I HAD to get three new tattoos. Tattoos are something that happen when I'm manic, too. I love them, and I just love getting them. I'm in the middle of a huge back piece right now that's going to look awesome when it's done.

So I only have a little bit left, and thank God it's in the money market making a little money. I have it in pretty safe stuff, so it's not making a lot of money, but it's there for a rainy day or another manic spending spree and hypomanic spending down.

Debt sucks

It's hard to keep yourself under control when you're a little manic. I've been pretty bad with my finances this year, because I love to travel. I went to Europe for my birthday, and pretty much cleaned out my savings account, and then got home and got a $600 tattoo. I also have plane tickets to Glacier National Park, Charleston, SC, and home for Christmas. All these things add up to $4,000 I don't have. Since I got a car payment, I'm almost living paycheck to paycheck (I have a little left over at the end of the month).

So being manic and buying new shoes, two pair of pants, and new sweaters probably wasn't the greatest idea I could have had. But sometimes online shopping overtakes me. I just have to do it, and when someone accepts Discover, I'm all over it.

I just almost bought another plane ticket, but I think I'll wait and see if I can get some interviews to justify it. I don't want to go out there just to go out there.

When I'm feeling normal I pay off all my credit cards in full. I used to have a robust savings account, and would just pay everything off quickly. Then I bought a car, and so I started paying them off in 2 or 3 month installments. At this rate, I'll have that one paid off in... a long time. I did manage to pay off my Mastercard, though. There should be a term on credit cards that manic people can only get one and with a $3,000 limit. I think I could handle that. Instead, they keep raising my limit, and I keep spending the money....

Damnit! I so want to go home, too.