A new regimen

"Medications work differently in each person, and it takes considerable time to determine in any particular case whether a given drug is effective at all, since bipolar disorder is by nature episodic.... Many doctors emphasize that patients should not expect full stabilization for at least 3–4 weeks (some antidepressants, for example, take 4–6 weeks to take effect)...."

Met with the doctor this afternoon, and almost had a panic attack in his office. My heart was racing, I was biting my fingernails, and I felt like I was going to cry at any second. "You're holding it together really well. You sound fine - you make sense." And then I started talking faster. I mentioned my recent studies of metro car physics and homicidal drain spouts. "I want you to take something for a bit just to get you to a normal place, but take it with the new meds we're going to pick. Now, what do I have in here."

He opened the magic closet (where everything is free), and there wasn't enough Abilify to go around, so we settled on what he had a lot of: Zyprexa. The dreaded, make-you-gain-12-pounds-in-12-minutes, Zyprexa. "I don't care," I thought, "I'll do it. Anything to feel better." Zyprexa also has a reputation as a fast acting machine, capable of destroying the manic in minutes. Well, not minutes, but you get it. So I made a deal with the devil: I'll trade my vanity for sanity.

"Now, cheap. Well, you have a few options: Tegretol, Paxil, Celexa, lithium, mostly. You don't want Paxil. Have you tried lithium? Let's do lithium and Celexa."

"But I was on Celexa once (I remember, that's what college gave me), and I think I stopped taking it cause it made me sick."

"Well, that was a long time ago, and it's cheap. What about lithium?"

"Took it in high school, but I was doing so many drugs at the same time that I wasn't really med compliant. I don't know if if works for me."

"Let's find out. You'll have to get blood tests, but lithium is $10."

So I made another deal: go back on the old drugs which could kill me with their toxicity, in favor or saving money.

God help me.