Acceptance

Tathata is sort of the Buddhist equivalent to a higher power. Shapiro says in Recovery, "Tathata is the way things are at any given moment. Tathata is not static; it is changing, but changing at it's own pace."

Ahh, the pace of God. He does things slowly, or quickly, depending on your perspective of time. The promises of AA say that things may come to us quickly or slowly. We can not expect things to be done any other way. We have to come to grips with the fact that we are not in control. We are just waiting to hear from our higher power about what's happening, and then move to act on it.

We expect things to change instantly. I want a job, and I want it now. I want an apartment, and I want it now. You may want something to happen, and you want it last Thursday. But that's not the way life, or your higher power, works. We've got to wait, and not hurry up to wait like we do when we're racing through bumper to bumper traffic.

We need to accept things as they are at the moment. That's part of powerlessness. Acceptance. Probably the hardest thing to do. I know I'm having trouble with it. But once I do it, I feel free. I feel better. It's just a continual process of letting go.

The capacity to be honest

"What's different about serious mental conditions, though, is that the illness strips some victims of the ability to realize they need help - or even to know they are sick. Brain diseases such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder can attack parts of the brain responsible for self-awareness and insight. The disease itself makes the person believe that nothing is wrong." SFGate

Ok, I don't like the "victim" part. It's not a demon possessing us, it's brain chemistry. I'm not a martyr, I'm just... I can't think of a good word.

"There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest." How It Works

This part bothers a lot of folks with mental illness. "We're not stupid," I've heard them say. But we do have special circumstances. We are often impaired by our own illnesses into thinking we're not really sick, and that if we just stop drinking our troubles will go away. But that's not the case. Your mental illness (as long as it's properly diagnosed) is here to stay. It's not a matter of wishing it away. You need to realize that you are powerless over it, just as you are over alcohol, and that you need help.

So sometimes our brains can fight against our self-awareness, which is a great part of the steps - especially step four. You have to take a look at your resentments and character defects, which can be difficult if your memory is fogged by years of untreated illness, or even by medications, which can cause confusion.

But I believe we have the capacity to be honest. Just because we don't often remember everything doesn't mean we're not trying. And that's all you have to do: try. Just accept that it might take you a moment longer than other folks, but you can do it. We can do it together.

A sponsor, a sponsor!

Finally got myself a sponsor! Her name is Maureen, and she's pretty cool, I think. She's in Al-Anon as well, so I know she'll get the family shit.

I saw her tonight at a meeting with the best speaker yet. He was hilarious, telling his tales of drunken revelry and multiple marriages. I was almost crying listening to him.

After the meeting, Maureen came up and said, "Have you read the Big Book yet?" I was proud to say I had, and I'd read the twelve and twelve, too! "Well, it's time to make your powerless and unmanageable lists. Work on those this week." My wha? Oh, list what I'm powerless over and how it was unmanageable. Jesus, that's kinda a tall order, but sponsors don't ask you to do anything they haven't done themselves.

Well, I'm powerless over life. I don't control anything, and I couldn't even control my drinking. So I guess there's a start. And unmanageable? My drinking had become unmanageable. I guess it all comes down to booze, in the end. Here's to lists.

Obsession grabs me sometimes.

We found that we were totally unable to be rid of the alcohol obsession
until we first admitted that we were powerless over it. -From Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

Today at a step meeting we discussed step twelve. In the Twelve and Twelve they review the steps, and the first thing they said is the quote above. Rid of our OBSESSION. I am obsessed. I need that drink. I am thirsty for that next one. Once I start the thirst just multiplies and I need more, more, more. Thinking about my next drink was my obsession, whether I was on drink one or at work thinking about the party that night. Or thinking about relaxing after work - I'll just have one glass of wine. That one glass always turned into one bottle, hangover be damned.

We admitted we were powerless over this obsession. That's what the first step is all about. I've been struggling with it and mulling it over. Powerless. Completely powerless to not think about that first drink. To not crave.

I admit it. I am powerless. I can't stop myself. I can't control my own obsession with drinking and all the social shit that comes with it. I want it. I need it. I am powerless.

And that's step one.

And so it begins.

My name is Anne, and I'm an alcoholic.

Wow. The first time I said that out loud it was hard to get out. I'm an alcoholic. I have a problem with alcohol. It has me firmly in it's grips.

But seriously, alcoholic? Ok, so sometimes (a lot) I drive drunk. And most times I pass out or blackout.... and I end up places I shouldn't be, like sleeping it off in a ditch or in someone's bed, but really, an alcoholic? Isn't that just the way 20-somethings act? Like idiots?

And then I turned thirty and heard a story. My cousin DKD was sitting alone in her house and decided to get shitfaced. She proceeded to drink two bottles of wine, and then decided she wanted to go pick up some dude at a bar. She put on her best skanky clothes and drove to the bar in another town. After a few more shots, she took to her car and drove home on a major highway. She hit a Jersey barrier (one of those concrete things) and ripped up her front axle. And then it gets interesting - some poor sap stopped to help her and called her son to come get her, and then left. The cops arrived and proceeded to grill her on driving drunk, but she said she picked up some man and he bailed with his friends after crashing her car. "That's my story, and I'm sticking to it." She got out of there with nothing but a wrecked car and a very angry son. No ticket, no nothing.

That could have been me. How many times have I stumbled to the bar after having one too many? Hunting for boys to take home to cure my lonliness, and always leaving alone anyway. Driving home blind drunk, having to concentrate with all my might on the road ahead. Crawling out of bed in the morning to sweat out the booze behind my desk and hope no one notices me.

I was sick. I am sick. There is something in this world which has the power to take me over and make me make the stupidest decisions. And I don't want to be that way. I don't want to end up 43 and just like DKD. I won't have it.

So I called someone. My best friend is in this program called Alcoholics Anonymous. He never preached to me; just let me know it was there and available. I've been so proud watching his journey for the past 5 years. It's heartened me to see how much he's grown - but I never thought it was for me.

I walked into my first meeting 7 days ago and helped make coffee. It was lunchtime and since there were four of us, we all went around the room and shared, and I said it. My name is Anne and I'm an alcoholic. Shit. Did that just really come out of my mouth? I can't believe it, but it's true. My behaviors have become out of control. I've lost the control in my relationship to alcohol, if I ever had it in the first place.

We have come to believe that we are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable.

Unmanageable. I've never lost a job, been pulled over, or hit rock bottom. But I was sure headed that way. So here I am, chronicling for the interwebs my story.

My name is Anne and I'm an alcoholic.