Obsession

"Obsession is a lie you tell yourself."

I get obsessed all the time. I focus on something I want, or just something, and make it the focal point of my dreams and day dreams. I think about it all the time and plan to make things happen. I plan my future around these things.

I need to stop doing that. These things I "want" aren't reality. I need to not plan around them, or even for them. It's like this whole job thing. The other day my mom told me I need to plan to be here with my dad for at least a year. That just kills me. I planned to be here three months, tops, but what if I don't get a job this round? I already had one place let me know they went with another candidate. What if that happens with all the places I interviewed? I can't just focus on maybe getting a job this time around. It might take me a year.

All I want is a place of my own and a schedule. I want to have to wake up in the morning, instead of forcing myself to get out of bed simply because it's daytime. I want to have something to do. I need money. I'm slowly draining my reserves (getting tattoos isn't helping, neither is the shopping) and I don't have a lot of money coming in. Whoever says people purposefully live on unemployment is full of shit. You can't live off this stuff without help.

And my obsession with Adam. Who am I to know what will come of it. Sometimes I dream that he'll just kiss me, but even I know that's not his way. He just wouldn't do it, so it's unrealistic to think of that. And do I really want him or is it just an obsession? I do love him, but do I love him more as a friend? I don't know. I've just been in love with him so long that I don't know what's real anymore.

Eating, eating, all day long

It's time to get serious about weight loss again. My jeans are a little tight, though I just washed them, so that could be it. I hope.

I know I've talked about this, but I have an unhealthy relationship to food, too. I can eat and eat, and not even be hungry. I just eat because it's there or because it sounds good. And then I don't eat, and I don't eat, because I feel really guilty about eating too much.

When I lose weight I do it through Weight Watchers and try to do it right. I eat lots of fruits and veggies, but try to stay exactly on my calorie limit for the day, even though they give you extra weekly points. I also exercise for an hour a day, and 2 hours a day on weekends. I get a little obsessive about getting the weight off, and quickly.

I was a skinny kid, well, not skinny, but average. And then in sixth grade I started getting miserable and gained weight. And then in high school, when I look back, I got skinny and then fat again once I was on lithium. In college I bounced back and forth, too. When I look at pictures I think, "how skinny I was!" It's probably because the majority, almost all, of my calories came from beer and the rest from meals at 2am in Denny's. Real healthy during college, I know.

And now, I think I eat pretty well, except the occasional (read twice a week or so) gigantic cookie. And ice cream. But I'm sticking to my daily points kind of ok. WW gives you a points system to follow, and you just type in what you ate and it converts it to points. I get 19 points a day, which really isn't a lot of food if you eat junk. It's a ton if you eat veggies. So that's what I'll do. More veggies, more exercise, and try not to go overboard with it.

Dehydration sucks

I think I'm dehydrated. I've kinda got the shakes, and I know it's not booze related, cause it's been almost 90 days since my last drink. But man have I been inhaling the caffeine.

I have a really addictive personality, apparently. Once I start doing something, I just can't seem to stop. I can't have one anything. If I have one, I want another immediately. I want another cookie. I want another breakfast. I want another cup of coffee or diet Coke. I want to keep running even when I'm tired and hurting. I want to write another blog post. I want to drive a few more miles. I want, I want, I want.

So part of AA is learning to let go of these wants and ask what God wants. Does God want me to have another diet Coke? Apparently not, since he's saying through my body, "Drink some water, damn it!" I should probably do that, huh? I don't know when the last time I drank water was, but I'm sure I could get addicted to it if I tried.

The obsession has not been lifted

The obsession to drink has not been lifted from me. It was for a while, but now that I'm feeling depressed, the thing I used to do to make me feel better was drink. I'm a happy drunk (to others) and it would take away that feeling of nothingness. I thought about going to a restaurant on my way home from the meeting and getting a beer. "Maybe I'm not that bad," I thought. "I've never been in the gutter. I never pushed people I love away from me. I've never been in jail."

But I know those are all just "yets." It would be easy for me to end up in jail for drunk driving. If I started drinking again I would feel so guilty that I would probably push people away. I could always end up homeless because I would go to work drunk and someone would notice.

Instead, I chose to work with my diseases, and to try to conquer that obsession by offering it up to God. I haven't done enough of that lately: saying to God that I need help. Well, I'm saying it again. God, show me again why this is a good idea. Let me remember that I can't have just one drink. Show me that my medication is actually working better. Remind me just how much better off I am now. Oh wait, He just did.

Stuffing it down

Feelings suck. My friend is going through a divorce and some other crap, and she's chosen to stuff down her feelings in the shape of a hamburger. Of course, I am easily persuaded to avoid my emotions by eating. So hamburgers it was.

I joined Weight Watchers (again) last year and was able to moderate my eating (too bad you can't do an abstinence program, but I suppose some people do and die, so that would suck). I love food. I love to eat food. I never really know when I'm full. I am also of the belief that everyone has two stomachs - one for food and one for sweets. I like to think that way so I don't have to "save room" for dessert. I can just stuff it into my other stomach. Anyway, I was able to lose 40 pounds.

Now, I fear (fear again!) that I'm just going to replace all the calories from booze with bad for me food (I think I'm going to go get a milkshake after this post). Especially if I quit smoking. Food will be my only crutch left - my only addiction.

I'm basically an addictive person, and an obsessive one. I get hooked onto something and then never let it go. Or I quit for a while and come back. I was super obsessed with running, too, until I had to take a break cause I over trained. When I was a kid I totally expected to be a heroin addict one day. I knew then that my addictive personality would get me.

But I'm going to keep running, and keep on Weight Watchers, and hope that I can control myself. Maybe through my inventory I'll be able to discover what character defects make me so unhappy that I have to feed myself with my addictions; whether that's food, booze, cigarettes, or something else.

Diet Coke is my new lover

I love the feel of a good frosty beverage. The way it makes your tongue tingle, and cools your throat. Um, nothing better.

It's not hot yet here, but I'm still already into the cold beverage months. And now, instead of that frosty Blue Moon, I reach for that equally frosty diet Coke. In fact, I went to Costco the other day and got myself one of those gigantic Costco size things of diet Coke to keep in my kitchen and bring to work. I started out with one maybe every other day, and now, today, I'm having two.

That's right. Two. It appears my tendency towards addiction does not stop with drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes. It extends to Coke, eating, running, anything. My obsessive nature wins out and I get on these kicks.

So, I'm also trying to quit smoking, which is apparently super hard. I've done it before - just put them down and not picked them back up for a year or so. Like booze, cigarettes seem to alleviate the stress. As soon as I quit drinking, I ramped up the smoking. Instead of maybe one a day, or a few at night, I'm smoking morning, noon, and night. What the hell?

So this is my last pack. Really. I've been able to just put them down before, and I'll do it again. I'll use the steps to get me through that, too. And diet Coke? I suppose I'll end up drinking even more just to have a filler, and then I need to cut that off, too. Let's go for free of addictions by year's end! Except running. I think that might be a good addiction.

Obsession grabs me sometimes.

We found that we were totally unable to be rid of the alcohol obsession
until we first admitted that we were powerless over it. -From Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

Today at a step meeting we discussed step twelve. In the Twelve and Twelve they review the steps, and the first thing they said is the quote above. Rid of our OBSESSION. I am obsessed. I need that drink. I am thirsty for that next one. Once I start the thirst just multiplies and I need more, more, more. Thinking about my next drink was my obsession, whether I was on drink one or at work thinking about the party that night. Or thinking about relaxing after work - I'll just have one glass of wine. That one glass always turned into one bottle, hangover be damned.

We admitted we were powerless over this obsession. That's what the first step is all about. I've been struggling with it and mulling it over. Powerless. Completely powerless to not think about that first drink. To not crave.

I admit it. I am powerless. I can't stop myself. I can't control my own obsession with drinking and all the social shit that comes with it. I want it. I need it. I am powerless.

And that's step one.