It works if you work it

"Faith without works is dead."

You have to work this program. God can give you the tools, but you've got to use them. One of the great tools is listening to other people tell their stories - really listening to them instead of being up in your head about it.

"Your brain isn't there to think," said one guy tonight. "I thought, 'I'm an intelligent girl, I shouldn't have to ask anyone else,'" said another girl.

I think I'm an intelligent girl. This month has been about asking for help when I need it. I have been calling people when I'm feeling crazy, or asking my parents for help with my life. I've been networking with people to help find a job. I've been reaching out for the first time in my life. I'm listening to God, and using the tools that He gave me. And I'm trying not to think too much. I need to shut up the committee that's telling me I'm stupid and useless, and shiftless. I need to just listen to God and move along at His pace. I'm intelligent, yes, but I need His help to be a better person. I've got to give up being the director, and let Him take charge.

Beginner's ain't so bad

Had another great night out with the girls tonight. Went to a beginners meeting with my sponsor and met some more of her friends and other sponsees (pigeons). Now, normally, I hate beginner meetings. All they do is open it up for questions and people just chat about boring shit or read Living Sober (which I actually think is uproariously funny). But this one was different.

The format was just like a normal speaker meeting, and they read How It Works! Thank God. It was nice to see the sobriety in the room - from five days to 22 years. People were really there to support the newcomers.

Afterwards we headed to Rasha's house for pizza and smoking time. Luckily the girls all smoke, too. And of course, we all talked about how we want to quit. I suppose that's what smokers do, especially AA smokers.

Tomorrow I'm going to a golf tournament filled with sober folks, and I already have a service position there.

At the meeting we all went around and introduced ourselves and said if we had a sponsor and a home group. I need to find a home group. I do like the Thursday night Unity Plus meeting I went to last night. There were a lot of great people there, and lots of sobriety. It's not too far from here, either. I want something kinda close to home. If I get a job in the city I may stay here in my town instead of moving to the town closer to my mom, though that wouldn't make sense, since I would have to take the dog to her house anyway unless I train him to be home a few hours and get a dog walker for the day. Maybe I could pay my mom train fair to come walk him.

But I'm getting WAY ahead of myself. I think right now I'll make this town my home, and find a home group here.

How does it work?

I suppose I'm not quite comfortable yet in the AA groups around here. So far, they've been very different from where I came from.

Back in "the old country" every group opened up with How It Works, which is my favorite part. Then there's either a speaker or some discussion, and time for people in the audience to talk. People are laughing and funny, and it's a relaxed atmosphere.

Here, at home, I've found that no one reads How It Works, they always say the Our Father at the end, and the meetings have almost been formal and tense. There's laughing, sure, but it doesn't feel the same. I've also noticed less felons here, which is hilarious. Less court cards passed forwards.

I suppose 4 meetings is a tiny bit to judge a whole fellowship, so I'm going to try a bunch more meetings. There's a noon meeting near my dad's house, and those are usually my type of weirdos.

Adam told me not to attend certain groups, so I'm going to ask him about some young people's meetings. I've been desperately searching for a womens meeting somewhere, but apparently there are only one or two. Perhaps once I get more settled and know some people I can start one. I think it's really important to have that kind of safe place to talk about the specific issues women face in and out of this program.

The capacity to be honest

"What's different about serious mental conditions, though, is that the illness strips some victims of the ability to realize they need help - or even to know they are sick. Brain diseases such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder can attack parts of the brain responsible for self-awareness and insight. The disease itself makes the person believe that nothing is wrong." SFGate

Ok, I don't like the "victim" part. It's not a demon possessing us, it's brain chemistry. I'm not a martyr, I'm just... I can't think of a good word.

"There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest." How It Works

This part bothers a lot of folks with mental illness. "We're not stupid," I've heard them say. But we do have special circumstances. We are often impaired by our own illnesses into thinking we're not really sick, and that if we just stop drinking our troubles will go away. But that's not the case. Your mental illness (as long as it's properly diagnosed) is here to stay. It's not a matter of wishing it away. You need to realize that you are powerless over it, just as you are over alcohol, and that you need help.

So sometimes our brains can fight against our self-awareness, which is a great part of the steps - especially step four. You have to take a look at your resentments and character defects, which can be difficult if your memory is fogged by years of untreated illness, or even by medications, which can cause confusion.

But I believe we have the capacity to be honest. Just because we don't often remember everything doesn't mean we're not trying. And that's all you have to do: try. Just accept that it might take you a moment longer than other folks, but you can do it. We can do it together.

We are not saints

I really like that, in How It Works: No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints.... We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.

I thought I was a saint as a kid. I thought I did everything right. I was always striving for perfection. Oh to be perfect! Then everything would be right with the world. But perfection isn't something we can even strive for - it's not achievable. No one will ever be "perfect." There are a million different interpretations of what that is, and yours is definitely different from mine. We all can attempt to be the best people we can be, and with God's help I will strive for goodness and Godliness in all that I do.

But I'm no saint. I'm going to mess up; that's just how life is. I'm going to have my bad days where I develop resentments against the people who don't use their blinkers when they're turning (I HATE that!). I'm going to get mad at the people I love, and worry things to death. I'm not perfect.

The point is, I'm willing to grow along spiritual lines. I'm willing to take this program and apply it to my life. I have the willingness.

And that's step three.