What is it?

Oh, don't worry, I'm still awake. I have no idea how many nights this is, but I've got to get my sleep back to normal soon. I'm not getting anything done during the day because I don't go to bed till 6, and then I lie there from 10 to 2 staring at the ceiling refusing to get out of bed. So I waste my entire day, and then I'm up at night.

This is getting ridiculous. If I didn't feel like such shit I would think I'm getting manic. I want to buy plane tickets and other stuff. I want to shop. I keep coming up with all these excuses to shop, but I'm not awake when the stores are open. And I promised no online shopping during Lent. So I'm just sitting here reading crap online and trying not to think so much. I'm trying to space out.

And now I have a huge headache. Perhaps the best thing to do is to just lie down in the dark and wait. Sitting here at the computer isn't doing me any favors.

At least I'll look cute

I have a confession: I just online shopped again. But I bought a dress that was $90 for $41. A ha! I rock. And I bought some other stuff, but I had a 20% off coupon. I got 6 items for $180 where normal items are $49 each. I think I made out pretty well, there. And I'll have lots of cute stuff to wear with my one fitting pair of pants. I need to get my jeans tailored because they just look scruffy. I was hoping I could hang on till I lose weight and just wear the stuff that's already tailored to fit, but I'm apparently going to stay fat.

It's time to go back to the gym. I went for a week straight, and then when I went up north I didn't work out at all. So that was a week off. It's Monday. Tomorrow I will start the workout week again. Every other day. That's the plan. Ugh, just thinking about it is giving me indigestion.

Stop talking about it and do it

Thanks to Guinevere over on Guinevere Gets Sober for turning me on to Reverb10. "Reverb 10 is an annual event and online initiative to reflect on your year and manifest what’s next." I am woefully behind, but I'm going to start with yesterday's prompt: what are 11 things my life doesn't need in 2011.

I can not believe it's almost 2011, by the way. I think in 2010 I've been able to get rid of a hell of a lot so far. It's been the year of shedding bad vices and pulling myself into a new way of life. So what else can I shed? What else can I get rid of?

1. Diet Coke. That's right, I can rid myself of one more addiction. Will I do it? Tune in....

2. Laziness. How in the hell is that possible! I have to figure out why I'm so lazy, first, which leads me to....

3. Procrastination.

4. Clothes. I have a Loft addiction, and my closet is bursting with price tags from new clothes. I don't have a lot of closet space, and I sure as hell don't have anywhere else to put things (no dresser space), so it's time to purge.

5. Lying. I've got to stop lying to my sponsor about going to meetings. Jesus, this is like a fourth step list now!

6. All of these things seem to be in the "addict behavior" category. My addictions, like diet Coke and shopping. My behaviors like lying, procrastinating, being lazy, and impulsive. Doing stuff under the radar and doing things I know I shouldn't, like sleeping with Michael and talking about getting married just for the health insurance. All these things are old behaviors I really need to get rid of.

All of these things I can rid myself of, but all in a year? I suppose that's where AA comes in. Actually DOING my fourth step instead of stopping mid-stream and ignoring it for a while. So maybe that's my end of year resolution: do my fourth step.

I want to shop, now

I can't have a cigarette, I can't have a drink, so the next urge to come to me was to shop. I want to login to my favorite stores and just check out what they've got. Except I'm awful at "window" shopping online. I just put stuff in my cart and buy cause I'm usually getting a really good deal. I wonder what my dad thinks about all the packages I get. At least he knows it's not drugs.

So why shop?"...shopping activates key areas of the brain, boosting our mood and making us feel better — at least for a little while." Like all the other things we're not supposed to do too much of, it does make us happy. And people who have compulsive shopping addictions are just addicts like the rest of us. Why? Of course. "Much of the joy of holiday shopping can be traced to the brain chemical dopamine."

Dopamine really does a number on us addicts. I need to find a better outlet now, since all I have left is shopping and food and neither of those are good ideas. Getting fat again would make me really depressed, and shopping isn't good for my meager bank account. I can't shop the way I want to on unemployment, and where in the hell would I put everything? I already need to go through and give away everything I don't use anymore. I'm sure there's something in there.

Insomnia and shopping mix well

Apparently the insomnia is back. I suppose that's what I get for sleeping all day. I thought it was just depression that was keeping me in bed. I suppose it is depression and boredom. I sleep when I'm bored. For some reason, now, I can't sleep. I'm getting tired, I think, but I can't turn off my brain. All I can think about is being unemployed and how much that just sucks. I think even Michael went to sleep, cause he's not answering emails anymore.

I just online shopped again. I got 4 things for 30% off, and two of them were on sale. I like a good sale. I got more sweater dresses. I love those. They cover the tattoos (if I had a job that would matter), they're warm and cozy, and they're cute. I like looking cute. I dress up just to dress up, nowadays. I can't seem to shake the need to look good, which is a good thing, I think. I don't like just running around in a t-shirt and jeans, though I have some cute t-shirts.

It's finally getting cold here. I like the cold, and some say it's going to be a blizzard again here this year. I kind of hope it does. I missed snow. I like the fresh crunch of the snow under my boots. I don't really have good shoes for snow (I have a pair of snow boots, yes) because I've been wearing heels a lot more lately, but screw it. Sometimes you have to sacrifice to look cute.

Shoppa shoppa shoppa

Alright, I did it again. I shopped. What?

Ok, so I have these black ballet flats that I wear every day. I've apparently worn them out, because when it was raining yesterday I noticed that water was rushing into my shoe through a hole in the toe. I can't possibly walk around with holes in my shoes going to interviews, so I bought a new pair of flats. Well, I bought two. I bought some brown ones, too. Now I have brown, black, and gray. It's a good thing to have options.

I tried on my suit jacket today and it's way too big for me. I have another one, but it's in storage somewhere. I'm not sure where it is. Unfortunately, Ann Taylor was across the street from where I interviewed today, and I went in because I had 15 minutes to kill. There were some beautiful tailored suits in there for 25% off.... But I didn't get one. I walked out without spending any money, because I know I have that in storage somewhere. The last thing I really need is more clothing.

My closet is full. I have all sorts of pretty things, and never seem to be able to find anything to wear. I wear the same outfit all the time: pants, a shell, my black sweater, and my flats. Every now and again I switch it up and wear a skirt and boots, but I don't wear all of my shoes or dresses as much as I should. I do wear dresses, that's not true. I do wear them all the time. I love dresses. I feel so girly. Maybe I'll wear one tomorrow.

I'm going over to see Adam tomorrow, or maybe Friday instead, and it would be nice to smell good and look good. I'll take a shower and not smoke before I go. I like to be cute when I'm around him. I'm just a sucker for pleasing him.

Obsessiveness haunts me

Bought the more practical, less expensive shoes. I hate that I just get a compulsion and have to follow it through. You ever get those? Like when your brain says, "Time to do something," and then you can't think of anything else until you get that one thing done. Like sometimes I just start thinking about shoes, and then I think of a pair I want, no, NEED, and then I can't stop thinking about them until I buy them. The obsession will not be lifted!

Luckily, I haven't had that problem with drinking, since I quit drinking. That used to be the way I drank. Have one, and then obsess about the next one until I was done drinking everything I could get my hands on: the bar was closed or so was the liquor store. Since I quit drinking, I haven't had to obsess over a beer or a glass of wine. I mean, once or twice I'll be looking at someone elses glass and think, "I could just take one sip...." But I never do, and I can get it out of my mind. I think it might just be practice.

So maybe that will work with shopping and smoking, too. Just don't take that first step. Don't smoke. Don't go looking for new shoes, and you won't find a pair you like. But for now, I have a really cute pair of boots coming.

Boot season

I'm slowly convincing myself I need new boots. No, not just any boot: I have lots of boots. Tall boots, booties, ankle boots, mid-calf boots, brown boots, grey boots, red boots... but I don't have a good pair of tall black boots. I mean, I have two pair, yes, but one is high HIGH heel and really uncomfortable, and one is really comfy but let's water in when it rains. I need something I can wear in the snow on my way to work, but keep on at work because they're cute.

So here's my dilemma: One pair of boots are cute, expensive, and I don't know how the heel is on snow. The other are cheap, still cute, and with rubber soles. But the more expensive ones are, of course, cuter.



See? The others aren't as cute:



What to do, what to do. How about not spend ANY money? It's just not going to happen.

I should quit while I'm ahead

Annnnnd... now I'm eating too much. What's up with my dopamine? I thought my drugs had a big half-life. Or it could be that the last time I ate was at 5 and it's midnight. I could just be hungry. But I'm paranoid and live by the DSM. Sigh.

I wish I could stop spending so much money, eating so much, ignoring my running, smoking cigarettes. I suppose to have things wrong with me these aren't horrible, besides the smoking. Smoking sucks. My dad caught me again. My friends drunk dialed me and passed the phone around, and I went to talk to them on the porch to smoke a cigarette. Apparently while I was outside my dad came home. He just smirked at me when I came back in. Sigh.

And I know the shopping will make me feel better for a minute once I get the package, but it's all the same. Feel better, wear it, feel better, stuff it in closet with the rest of the clothes, shop more. And I'm running out of hangars. Sigh.

Damnit I shopped

I just did it again. I bought something. Well, a few somethings. They were on sale! I got a cute sweater, a shell, and a t-shirt. They were all 30% off, so I don't feel too bad, but I'm unemployed and don't have money coming in except unemployment, which is damn slow. I finally got a check, and it was meager. I just spent a fourth of it, and I'm going to spend the rest on my tattoo.

For some reason tattoos don't count as shopping for me, but getting my eyebrows waxed does. I don't know the reasoning behind that, since tattoos are about $400 and eyebrows are around $30. But it's all going to keep Ann Taylor Loft in business instead. Jesus. I have got to stop. At least I didn't put it on my credit card.

I'm looking at shoes right now. I don't need any more shoes, really. I had two big boxes of shoes when I moved, and I can always find something in the right color. I need to just close the browser and walk away. There. Done.

It's rally time!

I'm ready to go restore sanity/and or fear! Should be an interesting rally.

My therapist has given me an assignment to bring a little fun into my life, instead of just focusing on the job hunt and other stuff that stresses me out. She says I don't have enough fun. I used to have fun. I used to throw parties and hang out with friends, watch my show with the girls, go wine tasting. I used to have fun. It's hard here, with everyone watching babies or having their own stress.

Adam is crazy busy at work. He's got so much going on that I haven't seen him all week. I've reached out twice, but I think I'll let him come to me when he's ready. I, of course, had a paranoid feeling that he was avoiding me. There's a girl who likes him that he's hoping to pull away from, but I think really, with me, he is just busy.

I'm going to the Day of the Dead festival after, and I'm thinking of just leaving my credit card at home. I've got to save my money for the tattoo finishing. I can't keep spending money at the rate I've been going. I have been pretty good the last few weeks, spending most of my money at Safeway or Starbucks. I think that's pretty minimal! No new shoes or shirts.

Shopping without shopping

Just got a package in the mail and it was like Christmas! I ordered a bunch of stuff before I was unemployed, and Michael sent it to me last week. It finally got here, and now I have two new pair of pants, 2 sweaters, and a multi-colored shell. Everything looks like a rainbow all spread out on my bed. It's so nice to have the feeling of shopping without having to spend any money doing it.

I finally took a peek at my bank account this afternoon. It's not as scary as I thought it would be after I paid a bunch of bills, but it's still really low. I think I have three more months before I'm out of money. If I don't get a job, I may just sell my car and use that money. Or I have $4k left over from when my grandpa left, which would give me another 4 months of security.

This money thing is the worst part of being unemployed. I still haven't received any unemployment checks. I really hate financial instability, and I'm feeling really anxious about it. I think I'll go smoke a cigarette.

New shoes for me!

OMG new shoes. I love it! I got three pair and a new purse in the mail yesterday and today. I love it. I have a bright red purse now, which I've never had. I've got to wear my red lipstick to match tomorrow. And my new black boots.

I love shoes. I used to wear Chucks, Birks, and Docs, and that was it. Or I would be barefoot. I was a little hippie chick with flowy skirts and bells on my ankles. I even had dreadlocks at one point. I would walk around with jeans that were too big with holes in them.

Now, I've got more of an Ann Taylor/Punk look. I love studded boots and big purses, but I dress up wherever I go. I hate wearing jeans and t-shirts now, and my docs are only worn in the snow. But I still wear them, of course.

Shopaholic

Just got new shoes in the mail! I love shoes. I was talking to my therapist and she said I'm not spending enough to qualify as manic, really. I think $500 is a lot to spend when you're unemployed, but I do that so often that I think it's probably just my normal state at this point.

I got my haircut today, which my old therapist and I figured out I do when I'm manic. It's really cute. I call it my Ramona haircut. With the brown color I dyed it a month ago, it really does look cute. I dig it. And I didn't go too short like I usually do.

Ok, off to a women's meeting. Let's hope this one is good.

Is there a shopper's anonymous?

I am shopping. I know, I know; I'm unemployed and need to save my money. But I shopped today and yesterday. I bought a dress (40% off and on sale), a sweater (totally not on sale), 3 pair of shoes (all on sale), and a purse (on sale). So at least I'm responsibly shopping.

But I'm not drinking. I haven't had a drink today, which is a miracle, right? One day at a time.

I have to go to a meeting tonight, but I'm so tired and I just can't seem to get up the energy to want to go. I think I have time for a nap, so we'll see when I get up whether or not I can function. I think I'm getting a little depressed, but I feel manic. I'm sleeping a lot, and eating a lot, but I'm also shopping a lot and focusing on stuff like reading 10 books at a time. I'm reading that book Recovery which is really interesting. He talks about AA in a spiritual sense, and uses quotes from all religions. Maybe that's what I'll do instead of nap?

Money is pouring out of me....

Money is pouring out of me like sweat. Not only have I spent over $2,000 on moving, but I've spent a million hours and some hundreds of dollars on that stupid bridesmaids dress that still isn't here, and now my dog needs to go to the vet again. He's not eating, his nose is dry, and there may be blood in his stool, says my mom. She's super paranoid about everything, but it could be something. Something expensive, I'm sure.

I just don't have the money to keep shelling out like this, and yet all I want to do is go to Ann Taylor and make myself feel better. Shopping is another lovely addiction, but it sure feels good - I suppose like every addiction. Sigh.

Stop the shop

Ok, the shopping has officially gotten a bit out of control. I mean, everything I order I actually need (most of the time) but I'm still buying a lot, and I've started to use my credit cards.

I bought a ring on Friday. It's cool - decorative silver which covers half my finger and a huge turquoise stone in it. I bought it to replace something special which I lost while drunk. Last year, we went to an all weekend wine tasting. $40 got you two days and 20 wineries to pick from. We rented 2 hotel rooms to share among the 8 of us, and carpooled around the area. I, of course, was the drunk driver. We got home to the hotel on the last night, and drank even more. I put my $150 real turquoise and silver ring from New Mexico on the nightstand (I think) and passed out. In the morning, I forgot to put them back on. The hotel says they never found them, and I really have no idea where they were. The ring was really special, and was an investment for my collection of turquoise from my grandma. So this is a replacement for my sobriety.

Next, I purchased more clothes from Ann Taylor. I really should be banned from that store. I can't get out of there without spending obscene amounts of money.

On Sunday after hockey I gave in and purchased my own gear. It was $600, but now I'll have gear that's not falling apart and actually fits me. And doesn't smell. Using communal gear that at least 5 years of other goalies have sweat in is disgusting, and always gives me acne.

Stop me from shopping!