All things considered

I know, I know, all I do is complain lately, but I'm stressed out. I can't believe I went from making $50k to $19k a year. It's stressful! So what am I doing? Shopping. I have a little left on my credit cards, and so I'm buying pretty dresses and necklaces to make myself feel better. I know it's stupid, but I can't seem to help myself. I lie awake all night, and by 4am I'm online shopping again. At least I'll get some pretty things in the mail that will make me feel happy.

And I'm supposed to get a refund from my graduate loan any day now, which will pay off both cards completely. I'm still waiting for unemployment to pay me, and that seems to be taking forever, so I'm cash poor right now. Luckily all my bills are paid till the middle of September. I like paying things ahead of time.

My unemployment runs out this month, so it's lucky I got (3) a job. We get paid every Friday, which will be nice, and I'm exempt from taxes because I live in a state other than where I'm working. I think one of my jobs might be under the table, too, which will be nice. That will cover exactly nothing (maybe transportation costs), but that's ok. I think that job will be fun and relaxing.

I have orientation today, and I'm still awake. I can't sleep. Damnit. Stress.

Scheduled panic

My schedule for the next 4 months is insane. School Tues, Thurs, Fri. Farmer's markets Thu, Sun. Field hockey all Sat. And then I have to fit a retail job in there somewhere on Mon and Weds. I'll have no time to myself, cause any down time will be spent studying. It's good, though. Keeping busy is a big plus. And working three jobs is ok, cause two are low key. But I'm still panicking.

But hey, guess what's cool? I don't want to drink! I have no urge to get loaded whatsoever. I am chain smoking, though, but I suppose that's normal for stress and a smoker. It supposedly relieves stress by altering the chemicals in your brain. Who knows.

What is this feeling?

So last night, I finally got some sleep. I went to bed at midnight and got up at noon. I think it's because I didn't take the Celexa. I moved it to the mornings, so I took it this morning instead. It's not keeping me up, per se, but it's definitely giving me that blank feeling. I just can't seem to feel. At least I got dressed today.

Perhaps it's all stress based. I'm supposed to hear from those two jobs this week, and I don't have anything else waiting in the wings, so they're really important. If no job this week, it won't be till May that something comes (figuring another months process of interviews). I'm so stressed out about it. I can't think of anything to do to distract myself, either. I suppose I should go for a run, but that's not going to happen, I know it. It was hard enough just to get these clothes on, let alone change again and then make my way outside.

What is wrong with me? The double dose of Celexa was supposed to cause mania, if anything. Why am I still depressed? Oh yeah, cause my life sucks right now. I'm stuck here at dad's, I'm broke, I lost my dog and my car to my mom, I don't have a job, and I don't have any friends. That last one isn't true, but most of my friends are living in different states, and all of them work during the day, so I'm alone 90% of the time.

You're not alone, you say. Your dad is retired. He's home. Yeah, well, he's more of a hermit than I am. He sits in his room with his baseball cards and I sit in mine with my technology, and we see each other in the kitchen sometimes. It's like living alone.

Ok, I'm done whining for the day. I think.

Stress makes you fat

It's interesting to think that stress has anything to do with obesity, but then again, you do tend to overeat when stressed, or reach for the chocolate (or tons of booze).

They measured mice (poor mice) who ate on diets and then gained it back, and found that they had higher stress response levels. These mice were more likely to gain weight than regular peers if they "crash" dieted a few times. "It also suggests that management of stress during dieting may be key to achieving those goals."

Stress sure makes you eat a lot, but so do the holidays. Man are my pants tight. I've done nothing but eat since I moved home, and now everyone is having a party and I'm eating my way through them. I can't believe how much weight I've gained. It's really distressing (ahh, there's the stress) and I'm trying to be better, but I just can't resist cookies and cake. I love them so.

But I can't wait till after the holidays. I don't want to be buying new pants!!

It's the stress that does it

What is a breakdown, exactly? "...depressed patients' mental suffering led to a sort of 'breakdown' in the stress system, resulting in low levels of stress hormones." So it's basically when your immune system stops working well. Remember before we talked about the immune system and the role it plays in depression? Well this is another study talking about immune response. It's interesting that a breakdown can have biological implications.

I was really stressed out before my breakdown. Everything was wrong in my life, it seemed. My job was absolutely horrible, my living situation was disgusting, and my life was one drunken night after another. It wasn't any way to live, really. It all became too much, and I suppose what happened is my immune system broke down, and allowed me to become suicidal.

It's interesting that a breakdown of stress would allow you to hit a breaking point. You would think suicidal people would have more cortisol in their systems. So I suppose if you're still feeling stress, you're ok.

Nature and nurture

Stress can cause psychiatric disorders later in life, they think.

"'Previous studies have shown that kids from at-risk families are at higher risk of having a psychiatric disorder in their lifetime,' says Ellenbogen. 'We know that they're not just inheriting these traits but they are also being raised in environment that is stressful, chaotic and lacking in structure.'"

So is it nature, or nurture, or both? Genes, as we've seen, play a big part in whether or not you have a tendency towards psychiatric disorders, but living in stress seems to be the trigger that starts the whole process. I don't know about you, but I had enough stress in my life to set off whatever genetic issues I may have had.

So can you provide a supportive, stress-free environment for your kids? No. At least, I can't think of any way to do it. Life is stress. There's no escaping the fact that life is hard, even when you have the "perfect" family, there's always something else going on out there. Kids get bullied, some are just hard-wired for stress anyway. So can you avoid getting an illness if you're genetically predisposed? It sure doesn't sound like it.

All of it

My bridesmaids dress never arrived. After all this crap, and all these payments, it never arrived. I leave for the wedding tomorrow, with no dress. Now, I'm just going to do a reading. I'm so frustrated. But they're refunding all of my money, thank God.

I'm stressed out. There's just so much stuff happening. There's a group that might want to hire me, but it's a part-time contract affair, and I'm not sure if it will disqualify me for my unemployment. I have to be careful how much money I'm bringing in. I need to call them and see if it would work. I would love to be working, and it's a good organization. We shall see.

My dog had to go to the vet this morning, too. He was dehydrated and stressed, probably because he's been without me and is really anxious. Things in his life have changed a lot as well. That was another $160 bucks down the drain, and then he's got to go back on Monday for stuff like his rabies shots and more. Sigh.

I hate all of this stress. The nice thing is, I don't want to drink. I did have a ton of cookies today. I hate all this money draining out of my bank account, too. It's not like there's any coming in, yet, and all of it's going out.

Hopefully all of this will end soon and I'll get a job.

Random thoughts

Job hunting really is a full-time job, but I'm trying to make it part time by watching tv while applying. Tv is fascinating. I haven't had a tv in 5 years, and only ever watched when I flew home or on Thursday nights. I am both loving and hating tv. Modern Family is pretty damn funny, and there's a new Law & Order LA on now with some pretty hot characters.

Luckily, there are a ton of jobs out here. I've probably applied to 15 jobs in the past three days! So my time watching tv hasn't been wasted.

On the other stressor front, I still haven't seen hide nor hair of that stupid bridesmaids dress and the wedding is on Sunday. I have been having so many issues with the damn dress people, that I'm sick of this wedding already. I don't even want to go, and I wish I were taking another sober alcoholic with me. It's going to be hard to be around all those drunken fools.

God, grant me the serenity

God, grant me the serenity to not kill my coworkers. Grant me the serenity to accept that I can't change them and the way that they micromanage me. Please give me the courage to speak to them about it, and the wisdom to know what I can and can't change.

I've been saying the serenity prayer all day. There are some things in my life that are causing brain chaos, or as my friend Adam calls it, bees in the head. I've been thinking too much, obsessing really, over a lot of things. I just can't seem to help it.

Work is like hell sometimes, only it's cold in my office. Sometimes people just annoy you to no end. They try to control the things they cannot change, and work to manage processes that don't need to be managed. Sigh.

I'm also working on some personal issues in my head that require therapy. I've been talking about them, and getting some good things on the table, but the combination of all these things has me repeating the serenity prayer a lot.

God, grant me the serenity to not obsess over the things I cannot change, the courage to look deep into myself to see the things I can, and the wisdom to calm the hell down and just let life come as it may.