Fat sucks

Talking to Jennifer this morning about my upcoming 29th interview, and she said, "isn't that e day of your one year anniversary?" Oh yeah! It is! I didn't even think about it. So it appears I'll be home for it instead of up north. I'll have to find a good chip meeting to go to. I don't really know which one. Maybe I can convince Adam to take me. It would be nice to celebrate with friends.

I still have no idea how I'm going to celebrate. But I've got to do something. I suppose a nice dinner, but I'm starting to get paranoid about being fat. I'm back where I used to live this week, staying with Michael, and he told me I'm fat. "you're just jigglier than before." thanks. My mom told me I'm getting "sloppy." What do you expect from 4 months of horrid depression, unemployment, and anti-psychotics? Whatever. Weni got up north I'm going to be running a lot and hopefully eating well. I figure if I really try, I can drop 15 pounds in 2 months. I need to drop 30, but half is good. I can take it from there.

Ok, I might not get to update again till I get home on Tuesday. I go to finish my tattoo on Monday and then I'm back home, and then off to the north.

It's not the Celexa, it's me

I hate to admit this, but I'm getting fat because I've been lazy, not because of the meds. I looked up Celexa, and it doesn't seem to cause weight gain, and sometimes it can cause weight loss. I mean, I know I can blame at least 5 lbs on the Zyprexa, because it just happened that fast, but the other 10lbs I need to lose are on here because I stopped running.

I hate how my body feels. My thighs rub together again, and none of my pants fit. I can't even pull on one of my dresses. I feel like I'm huge and it's making me unhappy.

It's not like I'm eating a lot, either. I'm doing Weight Watchers and really being good about it. It's not like I eat crap all day. I barely have three meals. I eat a lot of snacks like bananas and blueberries. I do drink the diet Cokes, but they're diet. My problem is that I'm not really getting any exercise. I walk around some days, but that's maybe 2 days a week I'm out and about. I need to be running.

But is it unnatural for me to maintain a size 6? Every time I lose weight I gain it back and settle in the size 12-14 range. Every freaking time. And I've been doing this dance since 2004. And when do I gain it back? When I stop running. So what does that tell me? A) Keep running B) Get comfortable in a size 14. Why? Because running isn't going to last forever.

"Charts and tables cannot tell you what your natural weight is; only your body can. And it can only do this when you follow a self-loving enough path to have a healthy, normal and consistent eating pattern – while having a fun and active lifestyle – over a sustained period of time, with enough laughter and sleep."

EDNOS

I just found a really great blog called Two Whole Cakes. She's funny and irreverant, and I like her style. Anyway, she also had some good things to say about the recent study that came out about eating disorders:

So what we have here is a comprehensive study instructing us that anorexia is as common in boys as girls, that children are developing eating disorders at 12, and that eating disorders are extremely dangerous to kids’ health both medically and emotionally. Also, that while anorexia rates have remained stable, the instances of binge eating disorder and bulimia have doubled since the 1990s. In a complete coincidence, the fearful cultural rhetoric regarding an alleged obesity epidemic has also doubled—at least—since the 1990s. But this is totally unconnected.

It doesn't surprise me at all that the incidences of eating disorders are rising in the U.S. Just look at some of our role models. Kids are looking to celebrities, who are all about 80 pounds at 5 foot 1, which is just ridiculous and never an achievable look if you are built bigger than a pixie.

One of the other things the study says is that people with eating disorders otherwise not specified (EDNOS) are rising. That means people like me who obsess about what they put into their body and then binge. I definitely have a bad relationship with food, but I'm fat and so don't qualify for anorexia and I don't puke, so I'm not bulimic.

So how do we turn this around? Well, better, healthier role models would be good. People who love their bodies just the way they are. Less reliance on medical science to create "perfect" Barbie-like women. I don't know. There's got to be a way out of it.

I'm fat, I know it

Did you know that 14% of people with bipolar also have a co-occuring eating disorder? Like the chicken and the egg, did they have an eating disorder before getting fat on meds and getting so depressed about it they stopped eating or took meds that made them binge eat, or did they have the eating disorder before? Who knows! It all runs together. The thing is: we're more likely to try and control our lives through food.

"Control has been attributed as a key motivator behind eating disorders." It's all about control. I am so completely out of control in my life right now that I'm really surprised I haven't started measuring my food again. Oh wait! It's cause I can't find anything. All my measuring cups and things are in storage and dad doesn't have any. So I'm doing weight watchers and eyeball portion sizing everything. I have great control over the things I eat until it comes to cake and cookies. If there's a cookie there, I'll have 3. I can't seem to help myself.

I feel incredibly fat. I can't fit into any of my pants except the ones I bought today, and I can see the rolls of fat when I take a shower. I was so good for a year; so proud to have lost all that weight. I was down to a size 6! Smaller than I ever thought I could be. And now I can't wear any of my clothes. What am I going to do? I need to fit into my jeans, at least, but I can't seem to stay away from the Cadbury Eggs and cookies.

You should have seen the state of my butt, too. I used to have such a nice butt....

Ok! Enough with giving myself issues! I'm going to go to the gym every other day from now on. I'm going to run and do weights. I'm going to follow Weight Watchers and not eat Cadbury Eggs unless I cut out something else. We can do this. By the end of March I will fit into my pants.

Now my pants fit

The painting and reorganizing of the apartment never seems to stop. My dad's stuff is still all in his storage, and he thinks it'll be a month before things move back in. I have got to got to get out of here.

So I went out to buy a suit today: a plain black, boring suit in the size I actually am now, not was 6 months ago. It's very depressing. I went to the gym and weighed myself and I've gained 16 pounds since I've been unemployed. "Part of that is just winter weight," says Julie, but it's still weight I have to lose.

Pants. So I had to buy pants two sizes up in order for them to fit. Sigh. I found a nice grey suit and a nice black suit, and then I rebelled and bought a black blazer that has a knit pattern on it. It's neat looking and not boring, but it's black and could be conservative. We'll see. The pants are just black. Works for me.

I got another call back from the place I met with last week. This will be interview number 3 with them, interview #21 in general. I don't care about the job anymore, I just need to be working. This job sounds horribly boring, the commute is 2 metro changes and $4.50 each way, and they all seem stiff and conservative. But I don't care. I don't have any other options, and I have to get out. I can't keep living here.

It's baby fat

"You're the queen of the yo-yo weight." -Michael

Sometimes I want to smack him. In context, he was giving me a compliment. The whole conversation was: "I can't fit into my pants. I'm so fat." And he replied, "At least you're still pretty. You're the queen of the yo-yo weight, but you're always pretty. You can fix fat." Awful! I love him.

I've eaten so much today that I feel like vomiting. I'm still eating, though. If I thought my dad wasn't watching I would go out and eat more food. I know that's sick. I just eat and eat.... And I'm sitting here belching and really feel sick. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I need to start running again. I have a marathon to run in a month and I haven't run since Christmas. I'm so not going to make it, but I'm going to try. I'm going to run until I can't run anymore. So tomorrow I'm going to run for a half hour just to get myself started. I need to start watching what I'm eating and stop binging. It's time to get serious about Weight Watchers and running, again. I need to lose about 20 pounds at this point, but I'll take 10.

Apparently I'm fat for my height

Following on the heels of the last post, I found a whole in depth section on obesity in America from the Washington Post. Check out the scary pictures of what's happening in your body because of fat. If you don't have an eating disorder already, this may give you one.

I have a kind of sick confession to make. I always wished I could be anorexic. We value skinny in America, even though a huge percentage of us are overweight and the average dress size for a woman is 14 (I'm an 8, but according to the health guidelines I should be 2olbs lighter and probably a 4). Really. Check out the health chart. It tells you what you should weigh for your height. So let's check it out:

I'm 5'4" with a probably medium build. According to this I should be between 124 and 138 pounds. I was 138 when I moved here, but with the depression and the Zyprexa lets say I'm probably at 150. So 12 pounds to lose, not so horrible. But to be at the lower range, 124lbs, that's almost 30 pounds. That's insane. I would be a walking skeleton at 124lbs. Who comes up with these numbers? And we wonder why so many young women (and men) have eating disorders.

I figure as long as I still allow myself to order what I feel like having instead of the thing on the menu with the lowest calories, then I'm doing ok. So we got way off topic there, but that's my story. What's yours?

Smack, smack, pop

I hate chewing gum. There's nothing enjoyable about it for me. In fact, it kind of hurts. See, I have TMJ also, which causes your jaw to click when you eat or yawn (and in big, crazy French-kissing). It's annoying, but doesn't cause too much pain. Anyway, it's aggravated by chewing, so chewing gum is nothing but an annoyance.

But I'm doing it anyway. I have to stop eating. I told myself today I was going to be good and not eat so much, but then off I went and ate just as much as any other day. It's just little things; one after the other. I haven't had a proper meal since last Thursday when I went over to my mom's house.

So I bought some gum, and here I am chewing away. I like blowing bubbles, and thank God I'm alone here or I wouldn't be able to blow them. It's kind of rude to do in public, I think. Gum chewing is just gross in general. Chew, chew, chew, smack, smack, smack. Ugh. But perhaps it will keep me from eating something else, although my mind is already wandering the store looking for something to eat.

Are these someone else's pants?

Ok, seriously, it's not funny anymore. I put on my jeans from yesterday and I swear they're a size smaller. I can barely get my ass in them, and there's no room whatsoever to maneuver. I used to be able to put my entire hand in the front of my pants; that's how much room I had. And that was 2 months ago, tops. What the hell?

So what do I do after putting on the pants? I eat, of course. Why am I gaining weight? Because I just can't stop shoveling food into my face. I need to just stop eating for a month and get my pants back to where I can sit here comfortably. My dad is nagging me about going to the gym, but I just don't have the mental energy to execute that. Just getting to the interview and back wiped me out, and now I have to find some energy to get to therapy.

I get back from therapy around 7:30. Maybe I'll try to work out then? I'll think about it. Maybe just thinking about it will help.

As for the anxiety: it has got to stop. I am a complete and utter mess; dancing that thin line between amped and complete and total mental breakdown. I feel like I'm going to lose it. I don't know if it's me or the meds. I had that panic on Thursday last, before I went to the doctor, and it's just getting worse. So maybe it's me. Meds do take a long time to kick in, usually, so we'll see what the doc wants me to do.

Zyprexa wants me to gain weight

I can feel my body pushing up against my jeans, wanting to burst out the other side. All around the hips the pants are pushing in and up, making burbles of fat roll over my waistline. I swear these pants used to fit. I wore them last week and they weren't this tight. I have a serious problem, here. If these pants don't fit, what about all my work pants?

It's only been 3 days on the Zyprexa and already I can't stop eating. I feel fatter by the moment.

"The average weight gain for an adult or adolescent patient on Zyprexa is 20 pounds in three months. Some patients have put on as much as 60 pounds. 90% of patients on Zyprexa not only put on weight, but on excessive weight." Read that again. See it? 90%. 90. That's almost everyone. Makes me want to give up now.

They use Zyprexa for anorexics because it makes you eat (and, of course, it does other good things). It's like smoking pot and getting the munchies. You don't know what you want, but you'll try a taste of everything just to see if it's good, and then you can't go wasting it....

I wish I could say I didn't care, and just let it do it's thing, but I do care. I don't want to gain weight. Again, we're back to square one: exercise. I can't eat any better, since I'm living on good foods (and the occasional ice cream sandwich or kit kat), but I can exercise. God, just thinking about it is exhausting.

I don't want to be fat again

I feel like I'm expanding every moment. Quickly, I'm becoming the Stay-Puffed Marshmallow man - all thick and round in places only babies should be round. My pants are all way too tight, holding down around my hips and bursting rolls above the waistline. My sweater is bursting at the seams trying to contain my ever growing bosom. Even my footfalls are heavy.

I've pretty much stopped exercising at this point. I don't think I've worked out since the first of the year, and I spent the last few weeks eating out with people too often. At home, I survive on cheese wedges, yogurt, and cereal - a diet you wouldn't think could make you gain a lot of weight, but I must be a statistical anomaly.

And it's making me more miserable. I don't have the psychic energy to go work out; it's just so much, and the fatter I get, the more I don't want to be seen on the treadmill. But I've got to do something. I can't gain back all that weight I lost. I can't afford the wardrobe change, anyway.

I signed up for Weight Watchers again a few weeks ago, but haven't been using it. So that's step #1: Use the damn WW tools. Document just how much I've been eating. Eat less. It's a matter of volume, I'm sure.

Step #2: get to the gym. I want to run, but I'm not going to force myself to start off running. I'm going to make it a plan to just go to the gym and get on the treadmill. It doesn't matter how long, just do it.

A combined effort, and I should be able to lose a little weight, even with the Zyprexa weighing me down more. I really want to give myself a break and not do any of this until I'm used to the medication, but waiting only gives me an excuse to not do anything about it.

So tomorrow, we're going to the gym. It has to happen.

Stress makes you fat

It's interesting to think that stress has anything to do with obesity, but then again, you do tend to overeat when stressed, or reach for the chocolate (or tons of booze).

They measured mice (poor mice) who ate on diets and then gained it back, and found that they had higher stress response levels. These mice were more likely to gain weight than regular peers if they "crash" dieted a few times. "It also suggests that management of stress during dieting may be key to achieving those goals."

Stress sure makes you eat a lot, but so do the holidays. Man are my pants tight. I've done nothing but eat since I moved home, and now everyone is having a party and I'm eating my way through them. I can't believe how much weight I've gained. It's really distressing (ahh, there's the stress) and I'm trying to be better, but I just can't resist cookies and cake. I love them so.

But I can't wait till after the holidays. I don't want to be buying new pants!!

But I want to take my meds....

I found a pretty funny site called "Stuff Unemployed People Like." He hasn't written in months, but some of them are really funny. Like that we all dream of that vacation we wanted to take, and we wear work clothes to sit around the house. I know I'm doing all of that.

Being unemployed, sober, cigarette-less, living at home, and without health insurance is all a crazy mixture for a bipolar chicka. Every one of those things can make you depressed, and the fun thing is, most of those things make you gain weight, too. My pants sure as hell don't fit. My biggest worry is being without health insurance.

When a bipolar person doesn't take their meds, well, there are lots of possible outcomes, but I usually get really manic for about 2 weeks and then crash really hard. I crash harder each time, and I'm sure this time I would be suicidal, what with all the other factors happening. I'm already feeling such loss and humiliation that I just can't stand it. I really don't want to go there. I want to keep on the meds, but it seems like no insurance company wants me to. $967 for 3 months of meds? Really? I can do it once, but not twice.

So what does a responsible girl do? I don't know. If I'm still unemployed by February I'm going to beg the pharmaceutical companies poor people plans to help me. If they can't do it, I'm going to work with my psychiatrist to try a new cocktail. I don't want to be unstable while trying to interview! Jesus. I need to not worry about this kind of stuff yet.

I just know it - I'll have a job by then.

Feel like getting fat?

I just had to join Weight Watchers again. It is getting ridiculous. I've eaten pie for breakfast, lunch, and dinner since Thanksgiving. During my time driving cross-country I ate McDonald's chicken nuggets all the way. I had a brownie for breakfast this morning, and two big helpings of macaroni and cheese for dinner.

None of this is good for me.

So I joined Weight Watchers again. Maybe this time of feeling like purging isn't so great to start a diet, but it's more like I'm just continuing what I was doing before I left the other coast. I had been doing this for a year, and lost 40 pounds, and I hope to lose the last 10.

This is why people don't quit

What causes weight gain after quitting?
When nicotine, a chemical in cigarette smoke, leaves your body, you may experience:

* Short-term weight gain. The nicotine kept your body weight low, and when you quit smoking, your body returns to the weight it would have been had you never smoked.

* You might gain 3 to 5 pounds due to water retention during the first week after quitting.

* A need for fewer calories. After you stop smoking, you may use fewer calories than when you were smoking.

They say people gain about 10 pounds, but this says your body averages out to the weight it should be. Seriously? Maybe I'll lose weight, then.

Eat that pie

"Many of us deal with depression, disappointment, loneliness and unfulfilled expectations during the holiday season....When our ideal holiday expectations are not met, we feel bad. That's when many of us resort to eating more food, more often, to keep the deeper stuff at bay."

We do eat to push down our emotions. And the holiday season can be really rough for a lot of folks. I like how they mention that people deal with unfulfilled expectations through eating. I need to watch out for this this season. I've got a lot of unfulfilled expectations going on, and some disappointment to deal with. But I'm really glad to be home. I like being here with my dad, and I get to be near Adam and my other friends.

So when I go up north for turkey day, I'm going to go for a run with my cousin and eat one piece of pie. Maybe 2.

The fizzing makes me crazy

Sometimes the sound of a Coke can fizzing makes me crazy. One time while I was on LSD, I started hearing the sound of a Coke fizzing. It was the only thing in my head. It made me super paranoid, like I couldn't hear anything anyone was saying over the noise. So when I open a Coke can now and can hear the bubbles, it just takes me back there. It makes me nervous that I won't be able to get it out of my head anymore.

I haven't been thinking about coke or other drugs lately. In fact, I've been pretty sober, besides the fact that I'm shopping and can't seem to stop eating candy. But it's just that time of the year. I still fit in my pants, which is a good gauge of insanity.

Obesity is in your dopamine

Another fascinating new study about obesity. It turns out people who overeat really do overeat to compensate for missing happiness. Eating releases, guess.... dopamine. They've found that people with obesity lack certain receptors to dopamine:

"Obese individuals have fewer pleasure receptors and overeat to compensate."

"People with fewer of the dopamine receptors need to take in more of a rewarding substance -- such as food or drugs -- to get an effect other people get with less."

Such as food and drug, huh? Well, perhaps that's my problem. I'm not taking in any substances except food, so I'm controlling my happiness by eating a lot. Apparently that happens in depressed people, too. They compensate for their unhappiness and overeat to feel better.

So what is undereating? I think when I've read before about it it's more of a control thing than a dopamine thing. I'm not sure if there's a gene for it, but I do know that undereaters cut more, which is also a control type response to external stimuli.

So it's not my fault I'm eating too much, right?

Don't see it, don't eat it

Now, this is interesting: "people ate almost half as many mini-size Halloween candies when they kept the wrappers in plain sight."

I'm such a stickler for throwing things out and keeping my space clean. I wonder if having a reminder that I've just eaten would help me eat less? Maybe keeping my plate around instead of immediately washing it. Or using a plate, in general. Sometimes I eat over the sink, which I know is horrible. I tried tricking myself by only eating in one chair in my house, so that when I sat anywhere else I wouldn't associate it with food. It seemed to work, but there's no place to do that here. There is a dining room table, but it's covered in books, just like all the other available surfaces. I only have this little section of couch.

So maybe I'll start tricking myself again. I feel fat. My friend today said that I look better; I was too skinny last time she saw me. But I felt great! All my clothes hung properly, and I was getting skinny enough for a bikini (which I wore anyway because I felt like it). I hate being obsessed with my weight. It makes me sad.

Halloween is candy time

I love Halloween. I love holidays in general. One of the best parts, or course, is the candy. I love Almond Joys, Twix, and Kit Kats. Kit Kats bring back all sorts of comforting emotions for me and remind me of my grandmother. Apparently someone did a study on Halloween candy and it's takeover of the holiday. She gives her students a Hershey's Kiss and asks them to make associations with them.

"The students are always amazed at how many vivid and emotional memories they have wrapped inside a Hershey kiss -- childhood, holidays, favorite times, grandparents," she says. "This emotional connection is very real."

It's funny what we have wrapped up in food. Emotional eating is a true thing. We eat certain foods for "comfort." Like chicken soup when you're sick, and it reminds you of mom taking care of you when you were a kid. Or those Kit Kats that remind me of my grandmother. These things make us feel good, and so we eat them in excess to try to make ourselves feel better. Viscous cycle.