Fat sucks

Talking to Jennifer this morning about my upcoming 29th interview, and she said, "isn't that e day of your one year anniversary?" Oh yeah! It is! I didn't even think about it. So it appears I'll be home for it instead of up north. I'll have to find a good chip meeting to go to. I don't really know which one. Maybe I can convince Adam to take me. It would be nice to celebrate with friends.

I still have no idea how I'm going to celebrate. But I've got to do something. I suppose a nice dinner, but I'm starting to get paranoid about being fat. I'm back where I used to live this week, staying with Michael, and he told me I'm fat. "you're just jigglier than before." thanks. My mom told me I'm getting "sloppy." What do you expect from 4 months of horrid depression, unemployment, and anti-psychotics? Whatever. Weni got up north I'm going to be running a lot and hopefully eating well. I figure if I really try, I can drop 15 pounds in 2 months. I need to drop 30, but half is good. I can take it from there.

Ok, I might not get to update again till I get home on Tuesday. I go to finish my tattoo on Monday and then I'm back home, and then off to the north.

I like me

Could just be the depression talking, but I've got to admit some things to myself: I don't really like running. I don't get stressed and think, "A good run will make me feel better." In fact, I usually think I should think that. And although I loved being a size 6, I'm perfectly comfortable naked at any size. I'm not ashamed of my body. In fact, I think it's pretty awesome. I'm sexy, and curvy, and covered in tattoos, and I love it.

So why do I try so hard? Why do I run anyway? Why do I keep going back to Weight Watchers? Because I worry. I worry that I won't look good in the kind of clothes I want to wear. I worry my tattoos will expand if I get fat again. I worry, I worry, I worry. And needlessly, methinks.

So I'm going to stop fooling myself. I'm ok the way I am. If I buy clothes I like in sizes that fit, it doesn't matter what size that is. My body is healthy and seems to settle at this weight, so let it be. Stop trying to be someone you're not. I've never been an athlete, so why force it? Just. Be. Me.

It's not the Celexa, it's me

I hate to admit this, but I'm getting fat because I've been lazy, not because of the meds. I looked up Celexa, and it doesn't seem to cause weight gain, and sometimes it can cause weight loss. I mean, I know I can blame at least 5 lbs on the Zyprexa, because it just happened that fast, but the other 10lbs I need to lose are on here because I stopped running.

I hate how my body feels. My thighs rub together again, and none of my pants fit. I can't even pull on one of my dresses. I feel like I'm huge and it's making me unhappy.

It's not like I'm eating a lot, either. I'm doing Weight Watchers and really being good about it. It's not like I eat crap all day. I barely have three meals. I eat a lot of snacks like bananas and blueberries. I do drink the diet Cokes, but they're diet. My problem is that I'm not really getting any exercise. I walk around some days, but that's maybe 2 days a week I'm out and about. I need to be running.

But is it unnatural for me to maintain a size 6? Every time I lose weight I gain it back and settle in the size 12-14 range. Every freaking time. And I've been doing this dance since 2004. And when do I gain it back? When I stop running. So what does that tell me? A) Keep running B) Get comfortable in a size 14. Why? Because running isn't going to last forever.

"Charts and tables cannot tell you what your natural weight is; only your body can. And it can only do this when you follow a self-loving enough path to have a healthy, normal and consistent eating pattern – while having a fun and active lifestyle – over a sustained period of time, with enough laughter and sleep."

I'm fat, I know it

Did you know that 14% of people with bipolar also have a co-occuring eating disorder? Like the chicken and the egg, did they have an eating disorder before getting fat on meds and getting so depressed about it they stopped eating or took meds that made them binge eat, or did they have the eating disorder before? Who knows! It all runs together. The thing is: we're more likely to try and control our lives through food.

"Control has been attributed as a key motivator behind eating disorders." It's all about control. I am so completely out of control in my life right now that I'm really surprised I haven't started measuring my food again. Oh wait! It's cause I can't find anything. All my measuring cups and things are in storage and dad doesn't have any. So I'm doing weight watchers and eyeball portion sizing everything. I have great control over the things I eat until it comes to cake and cookies. If there's a cookie there, I'll have 3. I can't seem to help myself.

I feel incredibly fat. I can't fit into any of my pants except the ones I bought today, and I can see the rolls of fat when I take a shower. I was so good for a year; so proud to have lost all that weight. I was down to a size 6! Smaller than I ever thought I could be. And now I can't wear any of my clothes. What am I going to do? I need to fit into my jeans, at least, but I can't seem to stay away from the Cadbury Eggs and cookies.

You should have seen the state of my butt, too. I used to have such a nice butt....

Ok! Enough with giving myself issues! I'm going to go to the gym every other day from now on. I'm going to run and do weights. I'm going to follow Weight Watchers and not eat Cadbury Eggs unless I cut out something else. We can do this. By the end of March I will fit into my pants.

It's baby fat

"You're the queen of the yo-yo weight." -Michael

Sometimes I want to smack him. In context, he was giving me a compliment. The whole conversation was: "I can't fit into my pants. I'm so fat." And he replied, "At least you're still pretty. You're the queen of the yo-yo weight, but you're always pretty. You can fix fat." Awful! I love him.

I've eaten so much today that I feel like vomiting. I'm still eating, though. If I thought my dad wasn't watching I would go out and eat more food. I know that's sick. I just eat and eat.... And I'm sitting here belching and really feel sick. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I need to start running again. I have a marathon to run in a month and I haven't run since Christmas. I'm so not going to make it, but I'm going to try. I'm going to run until I can't run anymore. So tomorrow I'm going to run for a half hour just to get myself started. I need to start watching what I'm eating and stop binging. It's time to get serious about Weight Watchers and running, again. I need to lose about 20 pounds at this point, but I'll take 10.

Eat this, not that

Do you ever think that maybe Americans obsession with dietary and nutrition guidelines is what makes us a fat country? I mean, we're all obsessed with food. New dietary guidelines came out today from the gov't. And I think this quote says it all: "And my wife, Christie, and I are now following the guidelines. We have our little sheet every day. We record what we eat. And we are very, very concerned about calories in and calories out."

The other day a friend of mine asked another friend, Crickett, how French women stay so thin. Crickett, whose mom is French, said, "French women don't worry about what they eat. They eat everything, but in moderation." And I believe that's what many other countries do: everything, but in moderation. It's the only way to enjoy life. You can't be focused all the time on how many calories are going in and how many are being burned off (says the girl who is tracking just that with Weight Watchers. I know, I'm a hypocrite, sort of).

Ok, about the hypocrite thing, I track what I eat but I eat what I want. If I want to have a slice of chocolate cake, I do. I just make sure to write it down, and then not eat as much for another meal. I'm not starving myself, believe you me. In fact, I think I eat way too much. This is why my pants don't fit. Well, my pants probably don't fit because I stopped running. Sigh. I need to start running soon. Like Monday.

Stuffing my face. Again

I.Can't. Stop. Eating.

It's killing me. I've been tracking on Weight Watchers, and I used up all my points by 6pm. What did I eat? Nothing bad for me. Oatmeal, a salad with a little chicken on it, a shit ton of bananas, a bag of broccoli and cauliflower, yogurt, some cheese, and some rolls. Nothing in there screams: I am full of fat and bad calories! But it's the volume at which I'm eating. I'm just constantly eating and eating, even when I just finish something I'm washing the dish and mentally searching the fridge for what I can eat next.

I took the Abilify tonight. Hopefully the Zyprexa will be out of my system tomorrow and I can show a little self control. I have no power over the urge to eat right now. I am powerless over food. Ugh. That's depressing.

I have to go out of town tomorrow until Sunday morning. I'm going where it's snowy and cold, and flat and boring: Ohio. I have nothing against people who live there, but it's one of the states I would never want to live in and sure as hell wouldn't visit on purpose. It's not a vacation kinda state. I'm going for a conference of sorts, that will be good networking for me. But they'll feed us all day long, and at this rate I'll be eating really gross and heavy foods in bulk instead of sticking with the good for you foods I'm eating now. I'm so hoping this insatiable hunger goes away before then.

I probably won't write on Saturday unless they have free WiFi at the hotel.

Are these someone else's pants?

Ok, seriously, it's not funny anymore. I put on my jeans from yesterday and I swear they're a size smaller. I can barely get my ass in them, and there's no room whatsoever to maneuver. I used to be able to put my entire hand in the front of my pants; that's how much room I had. And that was 2 months ago, tops. What the hell?

So what do I do after putting on the pants? I eat, of course. Why am I gaining weight? Because I just can't stop shoveling food into my face. I need to just stop eating for a month and get my pants back to where I can sit here comfortably. My dad is nagging me about going to the gym, but I just don't have the mental energy to execute that. Just getting to the interview and back wiped me out, and now I have to find some energy to get to therapy.

I get back from therapy around 7:30. Maybe I'll try to work out then? I'll think about it. Maybe just thinking about it will help.

As for the anxiety: it has got to stop. I am a complete and utter mess; dancing that thin line between amped and complete and total mental breakdown. I feel like I'm going to lose it. I don't know if it's me or the meds. I had that panic on Thursday last, before I went to the doctor, and it's just getting worse. So maybe it's me. Meds do take a long time to kick in, usually, so we'll see what the doc wants me to do.

The irresistable urge to eat

I think the Zyprexa is giving me Binge Eating Disorder. I can not stop eating. Even while I'm eating I'm thinking about what I'm going to eat next. I just finished eating a roll and now I'm looking over the fridge in my head to see what's next. I should be full - I had an apple right before that, and I had a sandwich 3 hours ago - but I'm not. I just have an insatiable need to eat. Nothing is satisfying.

I thought maybe it was thirst, so I drank a liter of water and 3 cups of coffee. Nothing. Still feels like hunger to me. This is the mighty secret of Zyprexa. It gives you an eating disorder. It messes with that little cue system in your brain that says you're full. Even my dad commented on my eating. "That's why people gain 12 pounds in 12 days." Right he is.

And the silly thing is, I know I'm not hungry, but I can't keep myself away from food. There's an incredible gravitational pull towards the kitchen. I am powerless over it. I must eat. I don't like feeling out of control like this.

Yesterday and the day before I was using the Weight Watchers tool to track what I was eating, but today I gave up. I already know I'm overeating. I don't know how to stop it. So, I'm making a giant bowl of vegetables. At least I'm getting good food in.

But hey, at least I'm not suicidal anymore! I just traded one demon for another.

A little dose'll do you ya

I found a handy little guide from the Mayo Clinic on side effects. You can click on each one and it tells you a little about how to handle them. Some of the recommendations wouldn't work - like taking a nap during the day, since most people can't nap at work - but there are a lot of good suggestions in the pages. And, of course, one of the suggestions on almost all of the pages is to get regular exercise.

Sigh.

I'm working on getting up the motivation. When I think about going for a run I just think how draining that is, when in reality a run usually energizes me. But all I can think of is the long, arduous process of getting ready to work out, working out, and then getting back into clean clothes. It's all too much for me when I'm depressed. It just seems so overwhelming.

But I have to do it. There's no way I'm going to let myself gain those 40lbs back. It took me a while to lose them, and I can't imagine having to face myself if I failed by gaining it all back. I recorded what I ate today on Weight Watchers, and there's nothing but yogurt, popcorn, cheese, and beans on there, but I still went over the calorie quota for the day. It's just all about volume. I can't seem to stop eating. I feel hungry and thirsty and like I need to chew!

But I have a lot of willpower. I just need to put my mind to this one task and get motivated by losing weight. I can do this.

I don't want to be fat again

I feel like I'm expanding every moment. Quickly, I'm becoming the Stay-Puffed Marshmallow man - all thick and round in places only babies should be round. My pants are all way too tight, holding down around my hips and bursting rolls above the waistline. My sweater is bursting at the seams trying to contain my ever growing bosom. Even my footfalls are heavy.

I've pretty much stopped exercising at this point. I don't think I've worked out since the first of the year, and I spent the last few weeks eating out with people too often. At home, I survive on cheese wedges, yogurt, and cereal - a diet you wouldn't think could make you gain a lot of weight, but I must be a statistical anomaly.

And it's making me more miserable. I don't have the psychic energy to go work out; it's just so much, and the fatter I get, the more I don't want to be seen on the treadmill. But I've got to do something. I can't gain back all that weight I lost. I can't afford the wardrobe change, anyway.

I signed up for Weight Watchers again a few weeks ago, but haven't been using it. So that's step #1: Use the damn WW tools. Document just how much I've been eating. Eat less. It's a matter of volume, I'm sure.

Step #2: get to the gym. I want to run, but I'm not going to force myself to start off running. I'm going to make it a plan to just go to the gym and get on the treadmill. It doesn't matter how long, just do it.

A combined effort, and I should be able to lose a little weight, even with the Zyprexa weighing me down more. I really want to give myself a break and not do any of this until I'm used to the medication, but waiting only gives me an excuse to not do anything about it.

So tomorrow, we're going to the gym. It has to happen.

Run back into those pants

I did it! I got my ass up off the couch and ran today. I ran up to the mall (2 miles uphill) and did the last of my Christmas shopping, and then ran back down the hill. That's a whole 4 miles (with a 30 minute break in between)! It felt good, but damn cold. It was 36 degrees outside and I wore some workout gloves my mom bought me yesterday and some warm pants I got a month ago. My chest was a little cold (I had a backpack on which kept my back warm),and I asked for a warm running coat for Christmas. I had two layers on and it was just enough by the end of my run, but not quite enough during. I've got a bit of a cough now when I breathe in deep.

I've always thought I had exercise-induced asthma, because it always hurts to run in the cold, but I made it through with only a lot of snot. But since I self-diagnose, I read this: The contrast between the warm air in the lungs and the cold inhaled air or the dry inhaled air and moist air in the lungs, can trigger an attack. Once the attack is triggered, the airways begin to swell (bronchospasm) and secrete large amounts of mucus. I don't know about the damn cough, though. It could just be all the old smoking goo moving around. Yum.

I feel much better having worked out. I promised myself I would do it again tomorrow, but I'm not sure I'll be able to. I'm sure I'm going to be sore! But again, no excuses. I need to lose about 5 pounds to get back into my pants. That's totally doable by New Years if I go crazy, and by mid January if I go slow.

Stress makes you fat

It's interesting to think that stress has anything to do with obesity, but then again, you do tend to overeat when stressed, or reach for the chocolate (or tons of booze).

They measured mice (poor mice) who ate on diets and then gained it back, and found that they had higher stress response levels. These mice were more likely to gain weight than regular peers if they "crash" dieted a few times. "It also suggests that management of stress during dieting may be key to achieving those goals."

Stress sure makes you eat a lot, but so do the holidays. Man are my pants tight. I've done nothing but eat since I moved home, and now everyone is having a party and I'm eating my way through them. I can't believe how much weight I've gained. It's really distressing (ahh, there's the stress) and I'm trying to be better, but I just can't resist cookies and cake. I love them so.

But I can't wait till after the holidays. I don't want to be buying new pants!!

Feel like getting fat?

I just had to join Weight Watchers again. It is getting ridiculous. I've eaten pie for breakfast, lunch, and dinner since Thanksgiving. During my time driving cross-country I ate McDonald's chicken nuggets all the way. I had a brownie for breakfast this morning, and two big helpings of macaroni and cheese for dinner.

None of this is good for me.

So I joined Weight Watchers again. Maybe this time of feeling like purging isn't so great to start a diet, but it's more like I'm just continuing what I was doing before I left the other coast. I had been doing this for a year, and lost 40 pounds, and I hope to lose the last 10.

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat

Christmas is fast on it's way. I grabbed some cards the other day, and now I need to go back to the storage facility to get my address book. I hate not having my stuff around, cause I just keep remembering more stuff I need to get. I wish all my stuff could be easily accessed. I also keep thinking about all the great foods I have in storage. Don't worry, I didn't carry a kitchen full of food, but I do have a lot of bulk foods like quinoa and barley that I wish I had access to. My dad doesn't eat so well. Well, that's not true, he just eats the same stuff daily.

I ran some hills today in preparation for my crazy marathon in March. I'm trying to prep well, and do some core work too. Today I did some sit-ups and push-ups, as well as some arm exercises. I need to work on my hips. They've been hurting when I run, and that's not so great for having to run 26.2 later.

As you can tell, I'm getting obsessed with fitness, which is good. I need to obsess over it for a while, and get back into really good shape. It wouldn't hurt to lose 10 pounds, too. I've gained about 10 in the past few months since I've been unemployed. I stopped doing Weight Watchers because I needed to save the money. Of course, I'm just spending it elsewhere. I really should cancel my tattoo in December and wait until March to do it. But I won't.

I've had two people tell me not to do it, cause they like that my shoulder tattoo stands alone. It bugs me. I want it to be combined with the back piece so it all looks like one piece. Maybe what I'll do is just connect it and wait on the sleeve.

Eating, eating, all day long

It's time to get serious about weight loss again. My jeans are a little tight, though I just washed them, so that could be it. I hope.

I know I've talked about this, but I have an unhealthy relationship to food, too. I can eat and eat, and not even be hungry. I just eat because it's there or because it sounds good. And then I don't eat, and I don't eat, because I feel really guilty about eating too much.

When I lose weight I do it through Weight Watchers and try to do it right. I eat lots of fruits and veggies, but try to stay exactly on my calorie limit for the day, even though they give you extra weekly points. I also exercise for an hour a day, and 2 hours a day on weekends. I get a little obsessive about getting the weight off, and quickly.

I was a skinny kid, well, not skinny, but average. And then in sixth grade I started getting miserable and gained weight. And then in high school, when I look back, I got skinny and then fat again once I was on lithium. In college I bounced back and forth, too. When I look at pictures I think, "how skinny I was!" It's probably because the majority, almost all, of my calories came from beer and the rest from meals at 2am in Denny's. Real healthy during college, I know.

And now, I think I eat pretty well, except the occasional (read twice a week or so) gigantic cookie. And ice cream. But I'm sticking to my daily points kind of ok. WW gives you a points system to follow, and you just type in what you ate and it converts it to points. I get 19 points a day, which really isn't a lot of food if you eat junk. It's a ton if you eat veggies. So that's what I'll do. More veggies, more exercise, and try not to go overboard with it.

525 calories

I keep thinking I should be losing weight from quitting drinking. I mean, alcohol has a lot of sugar and calories, right? And if I was drinking a bottle or two a night, that's a lot of calories! In fact, a bottle of wine has about 525 calories. That's 1,050 calories a night some nights. And women my size only need about 1,900 to 2,000 calories a day to live. So the majority of my calories came from alcohol.

But it's not working out that way. At least I'm staying the same weight, but I'm sure not losing any. I suppose it's all the replacement sugar (read: cookies and ice cream) I'm eating to make up for it. That urge is starting to wear off, though, so perhaps it'll change soon. I'll be able to stop taking in so many calories through junk, and get back to eating fruits and veggies for the majority of my meals.

I'm still on Weight Watchers, but I haven't been really good about it. Plus, I've been a slacker with running. I finally ran this weekend, and my legs are now really pissed at me. So maybe I should do it more often?

Disordered eating

I eat out of boredom and frustration. Just like all my other addictions, it's binging. At least I don't vomit after, though I've thought about it. I'm too anti throwing up. Even when I was drunk I think I puked 3 times in my whole drinking career. Anyway, a new study looked at dealing with the emotions behind eating compulsively.

"...how can people who have eaten to cope with emotions change their eating habits, when they haven't learned other ways of coping with emotions?"

They say that you have to change your emotional eating patterns by watching those feelings slide away on a "conveyor belt." Putting them on a mental conveyor and watching them go away so you don't have to eat over them. I don't know how well this would work. I can think about why I'm eating, and the fact that I'm not hungry, and still want to eat. I also eat WAY too fast. I can eat dinner and in a minute or so convince myself that I'm still hungry and eat more. I don't know how to stop it. I can't seem to slow myself down. I have no real "hunger stop" mechanism. Apparently eating quickly doesn't allow your body to register that you're full.

"Most of us have heard that eating fast can lead to food overconsumption and obesity, and in fact some observational studies have supported this notion,"

I deal with the weight issue all the time. I bounce back and forth between a size 6 and a size 14. It's just a cycle I seem to go through. Even when I notice my pants are tight, I just can't seem to stop long enough to do something about it. And then I starve myself on a diet to get back to the weight I'm at now. Perhaps this is an eating disorder? It wouldn't surprise me. Mental illnesses and eating disorders sort of go hand in hand.

Addictions galore

Seriously, what the hell else can I be addicted to? I already have a food addiction (which I manage with Weight Watchers, but I'm doing a shitty job right now - I just had a packet of M&M's), I'm addicted to smoking (quitting isn't going so well....), I'm an alcoholic (thank God that's going well, though I have an urge today), and I think I'm addicted to feeling bad about myself (which being bipolar doesn't help)!

I'm hoping that as I turn my will and life over to the care of God he can remove some of these obsessions from me. I really want the food one to go away, because I hated being fat. I'll take smoking over fat any day. And the alcohol obsession is mostly gone, except in times of stress. I think I'm over-stressing myself by trying to quit smoking right now. My doc said it was a stupid idea, and so did my sponsor. But here I go trying to control everything despite advice from others. Is God speaking through them or through friends like Michael who are trying to get me to quit? Who the hell knows. Even he said it might be a bad idea, but that I should just cut down.

I smoked a cigarette last night. I just couldn't take the withdrawal anymore, and it was just raising my anxiety level. I have enough mania and psychosis creeping in without another catalyst to it.

I'm feeling less manic - more tired - but still a little off. I've been thinking about cutting all day, and the urge is stronger than it's been in a long time. My doc keeps telling me we need to keep a close eye on it, because withdrawal can exacerbate the bipolar symptoms and I may need a med change pretty soon. If these thoughts and mania continue to next week, she wants me to call the psych doc.

I like mania. If it didn't have so many bad parts like the urges and the psychosis, I would love to be manic all the time. It's so nice having so much energy! But I know it doesn't last, and it just gets me in trouble. So maybe it's time for the Seroquel again to calm me down. I just hate that it makes me so sleepy and numb.

This post is one big ramble. Sorry.

Stuffing it down

Feelings suck. My friend is going through a divorce and some other crap, and she's chosen to stuff down her feelings in the shape of a hamburger. Of course, I am easily persuaded to avoid my emotions by eating. So hamburgers it was.

I joined Weight Watchers (again) last year and was able to moderate my eating (too bad you can't do an abstinence program, but I suppose some people do and die, so that would suck). I love food. I love to eat food. I never really know when I'm full. I am also of the belief that everyone has two stomachs - one for food and one for sweets. I like to think that way so I don't have to "save room" for dessert. I can just stuff it into my other stomach. Anyway, I was able to lose 40 pounds.

Now, I fear (fear again!) that I'm just going to replace all the calories from booze with bad for me food (I think I'm going to go get a milkshake after this post). Especially if I quit smoking. Food will be my only crutch left - my only addiction.

I'm basically an addictive person, and an obsessive one. I get hooked onto something and then never let it go. Or I quit for a while and come back. I was super obsessed with running, too, until I had to take a break cause I over trained. When I was a kid I totally expected to be a heroin addict one day. I knew then that my addictive personality would get me.

But I'm going to keep running, and keep on Weight Watchers, and hope that I can control myself. Maybe through my inventory I'll be able to discover what character defects make me so unhappy that I have to feed myself with my addictions; whether that's food, booze, cigarettes, or something else.