Map my run

I just mapped some runs. (One way)

- From my house to the therapist: 3 miles exactly one direction, 4.21 in the other.
- To the closest AA club: 1 mile.
- To the club that has more meetings: 6 miles (and there's a metro stop next door).

So now I have NO excuses to avoid any of three things: therapy, running, AA. Everything is in running (or even walking) distance from me. It's freaking cold outside, but it's not South Dakota or Canada, it's just cold. I can do it. That's what hats and mittens are for. And running. That will keep me warm.

So tomorrow I'm going to leave an hour early and run to therapy. It should only take me 30 minutes, but I just want to make sure I can get there (in case I wuss out and walk some) and it would be nice to get some coffee before the meet. Also, there's a metro across the street from therapy, so I won't have to run home in the dark.

Holiday drinking doesn't have to be

The holidays are full of alcohol. From Thanksgiving to New Years, there are even drinks created in honor of the season. Egg nog, spritzers with candy canes, flaming shots, and minty creations all hit the scene. Champagne runs free, and many people accompany all of that with their other drugs of choice: coke is out for all to have; even grandma is smoking pot in the basement with cousin Ted. The holidays are just a time of excess.

And a scary time for those of us new in sobriety. This is my first holiday season sober, and I feel like I'm doing just fine - I have no interest in drinking. I haven't in a while. But then, I haven't been presented with a problem, yet. Thanksgiving was booze-free, thanks to my aunt who just didn't bother this year because we were a small crew, and half under 21 or who didn't drink. Easy.

But now we're coming to the two drinking days. I'm hanging out with other family this time, and they are totally going to make nog and crack champagne. They are all great people, and know I'm sober, and will have diet Coke available (and I'll be bringing some), but it will still be hard, I think. I'm so used to having a celebratory glass of wine with dinner, and a few before, and a few after. I'm usually the one who makes the nog in the first place, though I hate the taste.

So I'm doing what they suggest: I'm making alternate plans. I'm plotting out when the meetings are and avoiding holiday parties I don't have to go to. Like my cousin's friends party on Christmas eve. They are nice folks, but I don't really need to be there for them to have fun. I don't NEED to be anywhere for people to have fun, but you know what I mean. So I'm trying to plan an alternate event with Adam where we can hang out and have Christmas. He's alone here (his family is about 1k miles away), and I don't want him to be alone. And, of course, I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to spend a little time with him.

Sober Recovery has a good 12 step program for the holidays (like make an alternate plan or host your own event) which can give you some good ideas. The point is, you don't have to drink to have fun, and you don't have to have fun where there are drinks. You can say no to a party if you don't feel comfortable, and you don't even have to say "it's because I don't drink alcohol." There are a million other reasons, and AA encourages you to say true ones, like I have something else planned, but I also advocate for lying if you have to. "I don't feel well tonight" is a perfectly fine excuse if you think going to an event would make you want to drink.

So stay sober this holiday season. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself to some candy caned themed something non-alcoholic. Like a mocha! Man, I love those Starbucks themed drinks. Some even taste like egg nog, if you're into that kinda thing.

Stop the stigma

"...people diagnosed with alcoholism at some point in their lifetime were more than 60% less likely to seek treatment if they believed they would be stigmatized once their status is known." And that's just alcoholic stigma! Imagine if you have an inkling that you're mentally ill, too!

"The percentage of people who said they are unwilling to work closely with someone with major depression was 46% in 1996 and 47% in 2006. The percentage of people who considered people with schizophrenia to be a danger to others was 54% in 1996 and 60% in 2006."

That's right. Read it again. 47% if people wouldn't want to work closely with someone with depression. Just plain old depression. Now imagine people thinking about working with people with bipolar (which a lot of people equate with schizophrenia, even though they aren't the same thing). So now just sit back and imagine you have alcoholism AND bipolar disorder. Imagine you're trying to find a job, or a partner, and you know those statistics. Will it make you more afraid to disclose yourself to your boss or your partner? Will you be more likely to stop seeking help because you don't even want your partner to know, or your health insurance? And what happens then?

We know what happens then. We know why we need to stay on our meds, and why we need to take them even when the side effects suck. Not that we're all violent or shouldn't be let out of our cages when we don't take our meds, but I would bet the stories of mentally ill folks hurting others are stories of non-compliance.

If you're reading this and you are just hear for the sobriety, take a minute to think about mental illness. Do you know anyone who is? Are you afraid of them? Are you stigmatizing mentally ill people every day by calling someone who acts out "bipolar" or "schizo?" I know I call others, and myself, crazy all the time, because I think it's lost its power, but I hate when people use bipolar to degrade someone.

Take a minute and go help out NAMI. They're fighting stigma every day. Hey, it's Christmas, make a donation.

All sorts of suicide facts

Some of these studies come up with obvious conclusions, but they're still really interesting to consider. People with mental illness are 12 times more likely to kill themselves (they don't differentiate in the article between killing oneself and trying). "The research found that the rate of suicide was highest in the first year following diagnosis (12 times national average) and that high risk persisted -- remaining four times greater than the general population ten years after diagnosis...."

It took me 7 years after diagnosis to try to kill myself, and that was a more alcohol and depression fueled go than just a depressive attack. Alcohol probably just made it possible where I'd only thought about it before. I read some study the other day to that affect, but I can't seem to find it now.

They also say the way you try to kill yourself (when you don't succeed) is an indicator of whether or not you'll do it again. People who try violent means are more likely to try violence again and succeed. People whose parents die by suicide are more likely to take their own lives. They don't say if the kids are more likely to do it the way their parents did, but I've heard of that before, and I tried in my mom's preferred manner.

Wow, this is depressing! Merry Christmas!

Run back into those pants

I did it! I got my ass up off the couch and ran today. I ran up to the mall (2 miles uphill) and did the last of my Christmas shopping, and then ran back down the hill. That's a whole 4 miles (with a 30 minute break in between)! It felt good, but damn cold. It was 36 degrees outside and I wore some workout gloves my mom bought me yesterday and some warm pants I got a month ago. My chest was a little cold (I had a backpack on which kept my back warm),and I asked for a warm running coat for Christmas. I had two layers on and it was just enough by the end of my run, but not quite enough during. I've got a bit of a cough now when I breathe in deep.

I've always thought I had exercise-induced asthma, because it always hurts to run in the cold, but I made it through with only a lot of snot. But since I self-diagnose, I read this: The contrast between the warm air in the lungs and the cold inhaled air or the dry inhaled air and moist air in the lungs, can trigger an attack. Once the attack is triggered, the airways begin to swell (bronchospasm) and secrete large amounts of mucus. I don't know about the damn cough, though. It could just be all the old smoking goo moving around. Yum.

I feel much better having worked out. I promised myself I would do it again tomorrow, but I'm not sure I'll be able to. I'm sure I'm going to be sore! But again, no excuses. I need to lose about 5 pounds to get back into my pants. That's totally doable by New Years if I go crazy, and by mid January if I go slow.

Too many sugar plums

Is this woman fat? Apparently, the NYTimes thinks so. This is pretty insane. I know I call myself fat all the time, and I'm not (anymore), but to call a ballerina fat is just insulting to all women. Ick.

Just had to share.

Sigh. Kool-aid

Adam finally got back to reading this blog and just called to yell at me for the last post and my confession of not going to meetings. "You get out of it what you put in to it." I know, I know. And I know I need to put more into it. And of course, he called me on being kind of distant from AA because I don't like it here as much as I did there. "Just try it, drink the Kool-Aid for a year and if you don't like it I'll gladly refund your money."

Ok, but I'm not interested in any Kool-Aid. I would like to get back to meetings, I would like to do the steps with a sponsor, but I'm not interested in making AA my life. I would like to make it a part of my life that is important, but not everything and every friend and everyday. I suppose right now is a good time to get really into AA since I have nothing else to do. So I'll go to meetings and I'll finish my fourth step (even though I have to do it again with a new sponsor). I'll give to it what I want to get out of it.