Space, the first frontier

Man am I spacing out. I keep sitting here and then drifting off into space. I'm not even thinking about anything. I'm just... spacing. I don't know what's wrong with me today. I think there's just so much on my mind that my mind has given up and just gone out without me. I'm even watching a movie and I keep watching, and then spacing out on that, then going back to the computer....

Wow, I was just gone for another ten minutes. It's taking me forever to write a post that I'm not even writing anything about. Adam just told me not to overthink, and so I think I'm just underthinking. I'm not even thinking about the obvious. Damn.

3 year angry men

"After a 3-year abstinence, men from the recovering alcoholics group displayed greater signs of hostility and covert aggression. They were different from non-alcoholics on measures for indirect aggression, irritability, negativism, suspicion, resentment, and guilt."

Interesting. Apparently the aggression and anger doesn't just go away when you stop drinking. DUH. Jesus, really? They had to do a study? There is a thing called sobriety, which is excluding substances from your system, and then there is a thing called emotional sobriety. Emotional sobriety is where you take responsibility for your actions and try to change them for the better. Which is what a lot of people do through the steps, or through prayer and meditation.

Adam and I talked about it the other day, and we both agreed that alcohol is but a symptom of our emotional problems. He told me today we have a lot of the same problems, and he's right. We are both a little contrary, a little aggressive sometimes, not great at saying what we need. It leads to some miscommunications between us.

You know, though, I don't know how much clearer I can be about anything big. It's just the little stuff we argue about, like tonight I thought we were going to dinner and he thought I had eaten. Neither of us voiced anything about dinner, just made assumptions. And you know what assumptions do. We argue like little kids, too. He pinched me tonight! Bastard. I don't know what this has to do with the article. I'm just rambling at this point. See, I just got home from his house and we took a nap together, again. I love it. It's so comfortable to be with him. He's a great cuddler, but I just wish he would kiss me. I just wish he would be spontaneous and dangerous sometimes. He's much more of an overthinker than an actor. I can't expect him to be anything he's not, but I'm so afraid to make any sort of move for fear of rejection. We'll never get anywhere this way.

Damnit.

Packages, packages

So I'm officially out of one med, almost out of another, and I only have the third one because Michael gave me his supply. My meds are supposed to be here this week, and I really hope it's today or tomorrow. I have a withdrawal headache, and I don't feel as up as I usually do, but I'm not depressed or manic. I still have a few days of the antidepressant. I have the anti-psychotic. It's the second anti-depressant I don't have.

It's interesting that I'm on two types of anti-depressants instead of just a higher dose of one. Why is that? I wonder if I could go off the Lexapro and just keep the Abilify. I'll have to talk to the doc. Of course, the Abilify is more expensive, but I feel better on it. It's noticeable. I do get slightly manic, but only happy manic, not spendy or crazy manic.

I had to get four new tires this morning, and it only sort of made me want to cry. I'm really frustrated because it's half of an unemployment check. I just don't have the kind of money I used to have, and I can't keep paying this crap. I'm maxed out on one credit card, and half maxed on the other. And I'm only paying the interest each month, really. God. At least I don't have to pay my car or insurance till February because I overpaid so much last year.

Joy to the world, the dog has come

Reverb: What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

Ordinary? Well, I could say getting cookies in the mail, when Adam came out of the airport, or getting fired, but none of those were ordinary moments. All of them were once in a lifetime, or extraordinary events. But one thing that happened all the time made me especially happy one day.

I had had a bad day at work, as usual. I was feeling like I wanted to scream, or cry, or both. My boss just... well... he was just him. I left work downhearted and walked to my car across four lanes of traffic, in the concrete jungle. I was thinking how I just needed to get away, how I needed a new job, how I was just depressed. I had been depressed for half a year, at least. Just a low level depression, but enough to put me to bed at 8am every night.

I drove down the highway contemplating change. Anything to get out of where I was - to feel better. I thought about going home for a week, or just upright moving somewhere else. I thought about taking a day off and heading for the mountains. I daydreamed all the way home.

But when I walked in the door I was greeted with squeaking and kisses. He leaped into my arms and licked my face, and I was happy again. Just that simple love of a dog made everything else alright. Everything in that moment was joy and love; the love of a little dog.

And now he's over at my mom's, and has really become her dog. It makes me a little sad, and I miss him, but both of them are happy, and that makes me happy. I'm glad I could give her something to love that would love her back in the same way.

So one tiny little dog has caused innumerable joy across my family. Thanks puppy.

Recap: National Football Day

So I didn't make it on a run today, but I did get to see Emily and her family. She's in town for a week with her family visiting her parents and I got to go over and eat warm turkey sandwiches with lots of gravy, and homemade apple pie. Oh man, so good. The pie especially. It was easy, too, they offered me a beer and I just said no. When they started mixing up the Bailey's milkshakes I just said I should get going and headed back home. I blamed the snow, but I really didn't want to hang out while they all got wasted. They're a very drunk family, but very funny and wonderfully supportive.

Adam texted this morning, after reading yesterdays post, and said, "Sometimes you're really thick." I honestly don't know what he means. I honestly don't know what you mean! He's been telling me he doesn't know how he feels about me, and that he doesn't want anything, so why shouldn't I believe him? It was a wonderful kiss, but I am taking it as just that: a kiss. It doesn't mean he wants me, unless he says so. Right? I mean, I'm trying not to read into anything. I'm trying to be objective here. 3 weeks ago I would have taken it as a sign of something. Should I? I told him I'd come back and test the mistletoe again, but he didn't text back.

Anyway, I had pie, again, so it's time to go for a run tomorrow. I'll have lots of time to space out or think then. I'll probably space. It's nice to just stare at the scenery when you run. It's like meditation time. You get to clear your mind of everything but the sound and feel of your feet hitting the pavement and the feeling in your lungs. Sometimes I count my steps just for the rhythm of it. 1,2, 3, 4....

Mom

Ok, I am mad at my mom.

"I couldn't stand the pain and emotional distress of a reunion like that again so please understand when I turn down any future invitations. You mean well, I know, but you inflict pain where you do not mean to and I can't allow myself to be hurt again.

I love you very much. I want with all my heart for you to be happy. I wish I could make you happy. Some things we must do on our own and finding happiness is one of those things."

Seriously? She's accusing me of wanting the family to be together again. I'm not a child. I know that's not going to happen. I just hate that she has to do something like that. It makes me not trust her anymore. She's just so freaking crazy. But I get it. It's hard for her. It's trying to be with a family you abandoned.

Damnit. I have a new resentment.

Mental illness isn't cool

Ok, I hate "I can haz" cats anything, but this one caught my eye over on If You're Going Through Hell. She's got a great blog over there, and tonight she was talking about how teens in England think it's cool to be mentally ill. I can see where they're coming from. There's a lot in the news about cutting and anorexia. Every actress has admitted to it already. I can see where they would think it's a way to be popular, to fit in.

But it's just not as cool as it seems. There are some horrible things that come with mental illness. You can lose everything and everyone in your life. Money flies out of your hands (if you're manic), or you can't physically force yourself out of bed (depression). I've been weeks without a shower before because I just didn't have the energy to do it. It was just too overwhelming. That's not cool, that's stinky. And when you have cuts all over you you do nothing but worry people and invite infection. And you end up with horrible scars. My friend Lisa has huge scars all over her thighs and it's just horribly depressing.

What worries me are those pro-ana websites. I worry about girls who think that kind of thing is attractive. I've never met a man who thought so, or a woman. It's just scary and sad. It's a horrible mental illness that can lead to death, so please don't purposefully do it to be cool. God, having daughters would be so hard. Having kids will be hard.