Recap: National Football Day

So I didn't make it on a run today, but I did get to see Emily and her family. She's in town for a week with her family visiting her parents and I got to go over and eat warm turkey sandwiches with lots of gravy, and homemade apple pie. Oh man, so good. The pie especially. It was easy, too, they offered me a beer and I just said no. When they started mixing up the Bailey's milkshakes I just said I should get going and headed back home. I blamed the snow, but I really didn't want to hang out while they all got wasted. They're a very drunk family, but very funny and wonderfully supportive.

Adam texted this morning, after reading yesterdays post, and said, "Sometimes you're really thick." I honestly don't know what he means. I honestly don't know what you mean! He's been telling me he doesn't know how he feels about me, and that he doesn't want anything, so why shouldn't I believe him? It was a wonderful kiss, but I am taking it as just that: a kiss. It doesn't mean he wants me, unless he says so. Right? I mean, I'm trying not to read into anything. I'm trying to be objective here. 3 weeks ago I would have taken it as a sign of something. Should I? I told him I'd come back and test the mistletoe again, but he didn't text back.

Anyway, I had pie, again, so it's time to go for a run tomorrow. I'll have lots of time to space out or think then. I'll probably space. It's nice to just stare at the scenery when you run. It's like meditation time. You get to clear your mind of everything but the sound and feel of your feet hitting the pavement and the feeling in your lungs. Sometimes I count my steps just for the rhythm of it. 1,2, 3, 4....

I saw three ships come sailing in on Christmas day....

It was a merry, merry Christmas for me. I hope it was for you, too! It even snowed a little. We're supposed to get more tomorrow, and it's supposed to stick. I'm so happy!

Adam and my mom came over to hang out with my dad's family for Christmas. My mom emailed me later to say it broke her heart to hang out with all those happy people that she was "ripped away from." Come on. She initiated the divorce, it's been 17 years, and my dad only went through with it because we had to commit her and she ran away to Europe and disappeared. What the hell was he supposed to do? I saw how it broke his heart, and she's lucky any of them talk to her. But they're all bigger people than that. They like her, crazy or no. It just bugs the hell out of me. She makes herself the victim, the martyr. Ugh. Gross. Take responsibility for yourself!

Adam and I went to a meeting after dinner, and hung out with one of his friends. He and I went back to his house so he could give me a present. He got me the most awesome present! He knows what I like. I'm wearing a necklace he gave me 7 years ago for Christmas. He noticed, of course. We were walking out the door and he said, "You missed your opportunity," and pointed up. There was some mistletoe. I reached up and kissed him on the cheek, and he pulled me back in under the mistletoe and gave me a long, wonderful kiss.

In the car he said, "I don't want to over analyze that kiss, I mean, I'm in no place to date," blah, blah, blah. I don't know what he's scared of. Getting hurt, I'm sure, but aren't we all afraid of that? Don't we have to take risks? Look at me, yelling at everyone tonight. I'm the Christmas Grinch!

No, really, I'm not upset. I'm happy for the kiss. I really enjoyed it. I love his lips, his kisses. Sigh.

Merry Christmas!!!!

Sober, not somber

I went to that holiday party tonight. The one I was going to bail out of. My dad convinced me to go. "Cathy and Laura are both pregnant, so they won't be drinking. And I don't drink. Plus, you've got to learn how to be around people who drink. Just have some water, it's what I do." He's a smart man, my pop.

So I went, and it was fine. The boys were all drinking home brewed beer, and I had a moment of panic when they didn't have diet Coke, but I was fine with water and cookies. I think my cousin had A beer the whole time, and Mike maybe had two. So it was basically a sober evening. And you know what? It was still fun! We were able to laugh and play with my baby cousin without being drunk. We watched old movies and Yo Gabba Gabba.

Oh, and I ate my share of cookies. I had a sugar cookie, a chocolate chip cookie, one of those ones with a Hershey kiss in the middle....

I ran!

I got my ass off the sinking spot on the couch where I spend my days and went to the gym. I ran for 40 minutes, completing not a lot of miles. I'm supposed to be doing 9 miles on Sunday. I'm not sure I'll make it, but I'm going to do at least 6. I promised myself I would get as far as the highway.

Treating myself well, including eating well today, has made my day a little better. I feel more refreshed now that I've worked out. I even inspired Michael to work out today. He's definitely planning on doing 9 this weekend, but he says he's going to do it tomorrow - Christmas.

I can't wait for Christmas. I love it so much. I love just seeing my dad in the Santa hat opening his presents. I love listening to my cousin's excitement as he opens every gift - he just gets so riled up! I love Christmas.

So I'm going to enjoy the holiday and try to be good to myself some more.

All I want for Christmas are Mariah Carey's shoes

A little self loving

Like any addiction, love addiction therapy recommends self-care as a tool to healing. Something I'm doing for self-care right now is listening to Christmas music. I love it so much. I can't wait for this time of year. I decorate, make Christmas cookies, listen non-stop to Christmas music, and pray for snow. It really is the most wonderful time of the year for me.

Some other things I'm doing for self-care are eating well, blogging (it's like journaling, which spell-check says is not a word), thinking about exercising (ok, so I did it once this week. Maybe I'll get out there again), and spending quality time with my dad and grandma. I suppose napping is self-care, but not at the rate I do it. I sleep all the time, which is probably a bad thing. I'm just so tired. I can't seem to sleep at night, and then I sleep during the day, almost all day. When I get up I just don't have the energy for anything. I need to fix that before I hit a bad depression.

What else can I do for self-care? I can take a hot shower. I'm freezing in here, and I need to wash my hair. I only do it every 3 days or so, because it's better for colored hair. I have this nice shampoo and conditioner that I treated myself to. It's nice to take a long shower like that. I wonder what else I can do?

My sarcastic Christmas letter

Dear friends and family,

Boy what a year! It's been amazingly topsy-turvy and full of exploration of both other lands and self.

Dad took a cruise this year with the brothers, sisters, and mom, and lost the straw pull. He had to sleep in the same room with grandma. She's losing her hearing, and man can she talk! She complains about a lot, but she does tell the neatest stories of WWII. Dad got another cold from her, and was down for the count for almost a month.

Dad also broke his finger this year, and arthritis set in right away. He can't move the finger more than 50%, and it's starting to hurt. But, of course, he did wait more than a month to go to the doctor. Silly dad!

Anne also traveled a lot this year, and had an awesome time in Europe. Doing another geographic, she plotted her move to Europe, but it didn't work out. She also got sober this year! Thank God, right? We all know she had crazy addiction problems, and hopefully now she'll stop driving dad crazy with all the dangerous things she does. And, she quit smoking! No more holding your breath when you give her a hug.

Anne really has had an interesting year. In September she was fired and forced to move back home. She doesn't have health insurance, and so is worried about getting her bipolar meds, but thank God for credit cards. What's another $1,000 charge, anyway? She's currently sitting on the couch staring off into space and hoping for another interview.

Well, we've had an interesting year! Hope yours has been better!

Love, Family

My Christmas letter

We just got a bunch of people's Christmas letters in the mail. "We've traveled the world." "We've traveled the U.S." "We all got promotions and the kids are on the Dean's list." So I asked my dad, "What would our Christmas letter look like?"

Dear friends and family,

This year has been full of surprises and alternating relaxed days. It has been a year of changes and growth; a year of retirement for both of us.

Dad began the year with a cruise around the world, stopping in Dubai, Vietnam, Hong Kong and more. He traveled with his brothers, sisters, and mom. They had a wonderful time and made sure to email the kids every now and again to brag.

In early March, Anne celebrated her 30th birthday by going to Europe, and wandered around Paris, Switzerland, and Austria. She plotted a move to Austria afterwards, saying how kind the people were and how perfect the snow-capped mountains.

Dad has been enjoying his retirement, taking long walks every day and counting the ducks on the river. He's decided that Canadian geese would be perfect dinner roasts, and is planning the day when he runs for office and makes geese legal to eat.

Anne is also taking an "early retirement." She moved back from the other coast to live with dad and take a little time off from working. She's enjoying her time meeting up with old friends and connecting with family.

We wish you all a wonderful new year, and a happy holidays!

Love, Anne and dad

Hark? Bells?

This is my favorite song. I just love the harmony in it. I love Christmas time.

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

It's a week till Christmas. I love when you come around, all jolly and pulled by reindeer. I love that you have elves working for you to build toys for all the good little girls and boys. I believe in you, Santa. You could be my higher power.

I just have one favor to ask of you: I need a job. I want a job. Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is a job. A nice job, you see, someplace I can grow and love to be. A place where I can be jolly and content, just like your elves. Someplace kind and loving.

Dear Santa, I would like to hear from someone in the end of December or the beginning of January. I don't mind moving in the snow or going to the northeast in the winter. I know I can keep warm; that's why God invented heaters. I would really appreciate your prompt response to my inquiry. See, I can't stay here much longer. I'm bored and feeling a little claustrophobic. I'm having trouble thinking about Adam and how he wouldn't follow me somewhere. I'm having trouble relying on my family, and being too poor to buy them Christmas presents.

So, dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is a job.

Snow, snow, I love you so

Just a note from the Christmas obsessed: send out Christmas (or holiday) cards! People don't get enough stuff in the mail anymore. It's nice when you open your mailbox and find something wonderful from a friend. Don't you love getting a personal letter instead of junk mail?

So go get some cards and send them out to people on your list. It only took me a little while to get everyone to send me their address, and now they'll get a little cheer in the mail.

Happy holidays to you all!

Yes, Virginia

"Yes, Virginia," he wrote, "there is a Santa Claus. He exists certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy.... The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see.... Thank God! He lives, and he lives forever."

Just a little Christmas goo from Beyond Blue and me.