I'm in: Stop Self Hate

There's a lovely lady on Twitter (VoiceinRecovery) who decided to start a new campaign to stop self hate. "Because I am ready. I want to prevent eating disorders, self hate, self harm, and radically work towards self love, respect," she says.

And how do you stop self hate? Well, it's the little things. It's all about the self care things you do everyday like eating right, but not obsessing over it. Exercising, but not too much. Everything in moderation. Just being comfortable with yourself. One of the things I've started doing is buying myself flowers. They brighten up my room and keep me happy. I always get different types so that I can have different colors and blooms.

Some things I can do to love myself a little more is forgive myself for gaining some weight. It's ok. I've been through a lot lately, and it's ok to have fallen a bit off track. It doesn't mean I'm a loser or hideous or anything. In fact, I'm probably at a healthier weight now. My body has settled. I need to be ok with it, even if it means buying bigger clothes.

So what can you do to love yourself a little more? Be a little less judgmental? Show yourself the kindness you would a friend.

Stop self hate.

It's not the Celexa, it's me

I hate to admit this, but I'm getting fat because I've been lazy, not because of the meds. I looked up Celexa, and it doesn't seem to cause weight gain, and sometimes it can cause weight loss. I mean, I know I can blame at least 5 lbs on the Zyprexa, because it just happened that fast, but the other 10lbs I need to lose are on here because I stopped running.

I hate how my body feels. My thighs rub together again, and none of my pants fit. I can't even pull on one of my dresses. I feel like I'm huge and it's making me unhappy.

It's not like I'm eating a lot, either. I'm doing Weight Watchers and really being good about it. It's not like I eat crap all day. I barely have three meals. I eat a lot of snacks like bananas and blueberries. I do drink the diet Cokes, but they're diet. My problem is that I'm not really getting any exercise. I walk around some days, but that's maybe 2 days a week I'm out and about. I need to be running.

But is it unnatural for me to maintain a size 6? Every time I lose weight I gain it back and settle in the size 12-14 range. Every freaking time. And I've been doing this dance since 2004. And when do I gain it back? When I stop running. So what does that tell me? A) Keep running B) Get comfortable in a size 14. Why? Because running isn't going to last forever.

"Charts and tables cannot tell you what your natural weight is; only your body can. And it can only do this when you follow a self-loving enough path to have a healthy, normal and consistent eating pattern – while having a fun and active lifestyle – over a sustained period of time, with enough laughter and sleep."

EDNOS

I just found a really great blog called Two Whole Cakes. She's funny and irreverant, and I like her style. Anyway, she also had some good things to say about the recent study that came out about eating disorders:

So what we have here is a comprehensive study instructing us that anorexia is as common in boys as girls, that children are developing eating disorders at 12, and that eating disorders are extremely dangerous to kids’ health both medically and emotionally. Also, that while anorexia rates have remained stable, the instances of binge eating disorder and bulimia have doubled since the 1990s. In a complete coincidence, the fearful cultural rhetoric regarding an alleged obesity epidemic has also doubled—at least—since the 1990s. But this is totally unconnected.

It doesn't surprise me at all that the incidences of eating disorders are rising in the U.S. Just look at some of our role models. Kids are looking to celebrities, who are all about 80 pounds at 5 foot 1, which is just ridiculous and never an achievable look if you are built bigger than a pixie.

One of the other things the study says is that people with eating disorders otherwise not specified (EDNOS) are rising. That means people like me who obsess about what they put into their body and then binge. I definitely have a bad relationship with food, but I'm fat and so don't qualify for anorexia and I don't puke, so I'm not bulimic.

So how do we turn this around? Well, better, healthier role models would be good. People who love their bodies just the way they are. Less reliance on medical science to create "perfect" Barbie-like women. I don't know. There's got to be a way out of it.

Eat the Kit Kat

Do these pictures look the same to you? They do to me, too, but the study says there's a radical difference. I'll leave it to the scientists to interpret.

So, "In binge eaters but not ordinary obese subjects, the mere sight or smell of favorite foods triggers a spike in dopamine." That's right, kids, it's back to dopamine! That means when I see those Cadbury Eggs in the freezer my dopamine levels go sky high. I wonder what the normal reaction is when you're just plain hungry. Probably dopamine, too. But those of us who happen to eat too much at one time have a bigger spike in dopamine.

I'm fat, I know it

Did you know that 14% of people with bipolar also have a co-occuring eating disorder? Like the chicken and the egg, did they have an eating disorder before getting fat on meds and getting so depressed about it they stopped eating or took meds that made them binge eat, or did they have the eating disorder before? Who knows! It all runs together. The thing is: we're more likely to try and control our lives through food.

"Control has been attributed as a key motivator behind eating disorders." It's all about control. I am so completely out of control in my life right now that I'm really surprised I haven't started measuring my food again. Oh wait! It's cause I can't find anything. All my measuring cups and things are in storage and dad doesn't have any. So I'm doing weight watchers and eyeball portion sizing everything. I have great control over the things I eat until it comes to cake and cookies. If there's a cookie there, I'll have 3. I can't seem to help myself.

I feel incredibly fat. I can't fit into any of my pants except the ones I bought today, and I can see the rolls of fat when I take a shower. I was so good for a year; so proud to have lost all that weight. I was down to a size 6! Smaller than I ever thought I could be. And now I can't wear any of my clothes. What am I going to do? I need to fit into my jeans, at least, but I can't seem to stay away from the Cadbury Eggs and cookies.

You should have seen the state of my butt, too. I used to have such a nice butt....

Ok! Enough with giving myself issues! I'm going to go to the gym every other day from now on. I'm going to run and do weights. I'm going to follow Weight Watchers and not eat Cadbury Eggs unless I cut out something else. We can do this. By the end of March I will fit into my pants.

Eat to feel better

So I just had another Cadbury Egg. I think it may have been my second one. And then I got the sugar shakes, so what did I do? I had cereal. Because eating makes everything better. Jesus, no wonder I'm getting fat! I eat to make things feel better! And man, do I want to eat right now. Everything is crap. I'm trapped in this house. I can't move out, and it's driving me mad.

The floors get started tomorrow, so the chaos is only beginning. I'm thinking of going to the local coffee shop with my iPad and just hanging out all day. I don't care if I have to spend money, I don't know if I can sit here with a bunch of strangers ripping up carpet in the next room.

I need a job. The little grocery store job is good - I made $500 towards my next tattoo - but it's just not the same. And I don't have a set schedule. It's just work every now and again when he feels like taking off and playing golf. I like to have a schedule; to know what I'm up against. I like to plan.

And maybe that's what bugs me most about my whole situation. I can't even plan. I don't know any of the perimeters, so I can't guess at the others. Damnit.

Pharma sleep

It's too late for pharmaceutically enhanced sleep. Or, maybe it's too early for it. Either way, I'm not going to get a lot of sleep tonight. My stomach hurts and it's keeping me up. That's right, I ate too much (I think it was the pickled vegetables) and so I have a stomach ache. So what did I just do? I ate again. Yep. Because sometimes eating makes a stomach ache go away. It's counter-intuitive, but it works, sometimes. I can't tell yet if it worked this time.

I have to be up in a couple of hours to go to work and work out. I'm going to do it this time. I mean workout. I always go to work. My cousin Roger told my dad I was the hardest working person he knew. I don't know where he gets that from: he works two jobs and has a two year old. I give him mad props.

Ok, I'm going to lie down and see what happens this time....

It's baby fat

"You're the queen of the yo-yo weight." -Michael

Sometimes I want to smack him. In context, he was giving me a compliment. The whole conversation was: "I can't fit into my pants. I'm so fat." And he replied, "At least you're still pretty. You're the queen of the yo-yo weight, but you're always pretty. You can fix fat." Awful! I love him.

I've eaten so much today that I feel like vomiting. I'm still eating, though. If I thought my dad wasn't watching I would go out and eat more food. I know that's sick. I just eat and eat.... And I'm sitting here belching and really feel sick. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I need to start running again. I have a marathon to run in a month and I haven't run since Christmas. I'm so not going to make it, but I'm going to try. I'm going to run until I can't run anymore. So tomorrow I'm going to run for a half hour just to get myself started. I need to start watching what I'm eating and stop binging. It's time to get serious about Weight Watchers and running, again. I need to lose about 20 pounds at this point, but I'll take 10.

Apparently I'm fat for my height

Following on the heels of the last post, I found a whole in depth section on obesity in America from the Washington Post. Check out the scary pictures of what's happening in your body because of fat. If you don't have an eating disorder already, this may give you one.

I have a kind of sick confession to make. I always wished I could be anorexic. We value skinny in America, even though a huge percentage of us are overweight and the average dress size for a woman is 14 (I'm an 8, but according to the health guidelines I should be 2olbs lighter and probably a 4). Really. Check out the health chart. It tells you what you should weigh for your height. So let's check it out:

I'm 5'4" with a probably medium build. According to this I should be between 124 and 138 pounds. I was 138 when I moved here, but with the depression and the Zyprexa lets say I'm probably at 150. So 12 pounds to lose, not so horrible. But to be at the lower range, 124lbs, that's almost 30 pounds. That's insane. I would be a walking skeleton at 124lbs. Who comes up with these numbers? And we wonder why so many young women (and men) have eating disorders.

I figure as long as I still allow myself to order what I feel like having instead of the thing on the menu with the lowest calories, then I'm doing ok. So we got way off topic there, but that's my story. What's yours?

Eat this, not that

Do you ever think that maybe Americans obsession with dietary and nutrition guidelines is what makes us a fat country? I mean, we're all obsessed with food. New dietary guidelines came out today from the gov't. And I think this quote says it all: "And my wife, Christie, and I are now following the guidelines. We have our little sheet every day. We record what we eat. And we are very, very concerned about calories in and calories out."

The other day a friend of mine asked another friend, Crickett, how French women stay so thin. Crickett, whose mom is French, said, "French women don't worry about what they eat. They eat everything, but in moderation." And I believe that's what many other countries do: everything, but in moderation. It's the only way to enjoy life. You can't be focused all the time on how many calories are going in and how many are being burned off (says the girl who is tracking just that with Weight Watchers. I know, I'm a hypocrite, sort of).

Ok, about the hypocrite thing, I track what I eat but I eat what I want. If I want to have a slice of chocolate cake, I do. I just make sure to write it down, and then not eat as much for another meal. I'm not starving myself, believe you me. In fact, I think I eat way too much. This is why my pants don't fit. Well, my pants probably don't fit because I stopped running. Sigh. I need to start running soon. Like Monday.

Stuffing my face. Again

I.Can't. Stop. Eating.

It's killing me. I've been tracking on Weight Watchers, and I used up all my points by 6pm. What did I eat? Nothing bad for me. Oatmeal, a salad with a little chicken on it, a shit ton of bananas, a bag of broccoli and cauliflower, yogurt, some cheese, and some rolls. Nothing in there screams: I am full of fat and bad calories! But it's the volume at which I'm eating. I'm just constantly eating and eating, even when I just finish something I'm washing the dish and mentally searching the fridge for what I can eat next.

I took the Abilify tonight. Hopefully the Zyprexa will be out of my system tomorrow and I can show a little self control. I have no power over the urge to eat right now. I am powerless over food. Ugh. That's depressing.

I have to go out of town tomorrow until Sunday morning. I'm going where it's snowy and cold, and flat and boring: Ohio. I have nothing against people who live there, but it's one of the states I would never want to live in and sure as hell wouldn't visit on purpose. It's not a vacation kinda state. I'm going for a conference of sorts, that will be good networking for me. But they'll feed us all day long, and at this rate I'll be eating really gross and heavy foods in bulk instead of sticking with the good for you foods I'm eating now. I'm so hoping this insatiable hunger goes away before then.

I probably won't write on Saturday unless they have free WiFi at the hotel.

Smack, smack, pop

I hate chewing gum. There's nothing enjoyable about it for me. In fact, it kind of hurts. See, I have TMJ also, which causes your jaw to click when you eat or yawn (and in big, crazy French-kissing). It's annoying, but doesn't cause too much pain. Anyway, it's aggravated by chewing, so chewing gum is nothing but an annoyance.

But I'm doing it anyway. I have to stop eating. I told myself today I was going to be good and not eat so much, but then off I went and ate just as much as any other day. It's just little things; one after the other. I haven't had a proper meal since last Thursday when I went over to my mom's house.

So I bought some gum, and here I am chewing away. I like blowing bubbles, and thank God I'm alone here or I wouldn't be able to blow them. It's kind of rude to do in public, I think. Gum chewing is just gross in general. Chew, chew, chew, smack, smack, smack. Ugh. But perhaps it will keep me from eating something else, although my mind is already wandering the store looking for something to eat.

The irresistable urge to eat

I think the Zyprexa is giving me Binge Eating Disorder. I can not stop eating. Even while I'm eating I'm thinking about what I'm going to eat next. I just finished eating a roll and now I'm looking over the fridge in my head to see what's next. I should be full - I had an apple right before that, and I had a sandwich 3 hours ago - but I'm not. I just have an insatiable need to eat. Nothing is satisfying.

I thought maybe it was thirst, so I drank a liter of water and 3 cups of coffee. Nothing. Still feels like hunger to me. This is the mighty secret of Zyprexa. It gives you an eating disorder. It messes with that little cue system in your brain that says you're full. Even my dad commented on my eating. "That's why people gain 12 pounds in 12 days." Right he is.

And the silly thing is, I know I'm not hungry, but I can't keep myself away from food. There's an incredible gravitational pull towards the kitchen. I am powerless over it. I must eat. I don't like feeling out of control like this.

Yesterday and the day before I was using the Weight Watchers tool to track what I was eating, but today I gave up. I already know I'm overeating. I don't know how to stop it. So, I'm making a giant bowl of vegetables. At least I'm getting good food in.

But hey, at least I'm not suicidal anymore! I just traded one demon for another.

I don't want to be fat again

I feel like I'm expanding every moment. Quickly, I'm becoming the Stay-Puffed Marshmallow man - all thick and round in places only babies should be round. My pants are all way too tight, holding down around my hips and bursting rolls above the waistline. My sweater is bursting at the seams trying to contain my ever growing bosom. Even my footfalls are heavy.

I've pretty much stopped exercising at this point. I don't think I've worked out since the first of the year, and I spent the last few weeks eating out with people too often. At home, I survive on cheese wedges, yogurt, and cereal - a diet you wouldn't think could make you gain a lot of weight, but I must be a statistical anomaly.

And it's making me more miserable. I don't have the psychic energy to go work out; it's just so much, and the fatter I get, the more I don't want to be seen on the treadmill. But I've got to do something. I can't gain back all that weight I lost. I can't afford the wardrobe change, anyway.

I signed up for Weight Watchers again a few weeks ago, but haven't been using it. So that's step #1: Use the damn WW tools. Document just how much I've been eating. Eat less. It's a matter of volume, I'm sure.

Step #2: get to the gym. I want to run, but I'm not going to force myself to start off running. I'm going to make it a plan to just go to the gym and get on the treadmill. It doesn't matter how long, just do it.

A combined effort, and I should be able to lose a little weight, even with the Zyprexa weighing me down more. I really want to give myself a break and not do any of this until I'm used to the medication, but waiting only gives me an excuse to not do anything about it.

So tomorrow, we're going to the gym. It has to happen.

Mental illness isn't cool

Ok, I hate "I can haz" cats anything, but this one caught my eye over on If You're Going Through Hell. She's got a great blog over there, and tonight she was talking about how teens in England think it's cool to be mentally ill. I can see where they're coming from. There's a lot in the news about cutting and anorexia. Every actress has admitted to it already. I can see where they would think it's a way to be popular, to fit in.

But it's just not as cool as it seems. There are some horrible things that come with mental illness. You can lose everything and everyone in your life. Money flies out of your hands (if you're manic), or you can't physically force yourself out of bed (depression). I've been weeks without a shower before because I just didn't have the energy to do it. It was just too overwhelming. That's not cool, that's stinky. And when you have cuts all over you you do nothing but worry people and invite infection. And you end up with horrible scars. My friend Lisa has huge scars all over her thighs and it's just horribly depressing.

What worries me are those pro-ana websites. I worry about girls who think that kind of thing is attractive. I've never met a man who thought so, or a woman. It's just scary and sad. It's a horrible mental illness that can lead to death, so please don't purposefully do it to be cool. God, having daughters would be so hard. Having kids will be hard.

Feel like getting fat?

I just had to join Weight Watchers again. It is getting ridiculous. I've eaten pie for breakfast, lunch, and dinner since Thanksgiving. During my time driving cross-country I ate McDonald's chicken nuggets all the way. I had a brownie for breakfast this morning, and two big helpings of macaroni and cheese for dinner.

None of this is good for me.

So I joined Weight Watchers again. Maybe this time of feeling like purging isn't so great to start a diet, but it's more like I'm just continuing what I was doing before I left the other coast. I had been doing this for a year, and lost 40 pounds, and I hope to lose the last 10.

Eat that pie

"Many of us deal with depression, disappointment, loneliness and unfulfilled expectations during the holiday season....When our ideal holiday expectations are not met, we feel bad. That's when many of us resort to eating more food, more often, to keep the deeper stuff at bay."

We do eat to push down our emotions. And the holiday season can be really rough for a lot of folks. I like how they mention that people deal with unfulfilled expectations through eating. I need to watch out for this this season. I've got a lot of unfulfilled expectations going on, and some disappointment to deal with. But I'm really glad to be home. I like being here with my dad, and I get to be near Adam and my other friends.

So when I go up north for turkey day, I'm going to go for a run with my cousin and eat one piece of pie. Maybe 2.

Obesity is in your dopamine

Another fascinating new study about obesity. It turns out people who overeat really do overeat to compensate for missing happiness. Eating releases, guess.... dopamine. They've found that people with obesity lack certain receptors to dopamine:

"Obese individuals have fewer pleasure receptors and overeat to compensate."

"People with fewer of the dopamine receptors need to take in more of a rewarding substance -- such as food or drugs -- to get an effect other people get with less."

Such as food and drug, huh? Well, perhaps that's my problem. I'm not taking in any substances except food, so I'm controlling my happiness by eating a lot. Apparently that happens in depressed people, too. They compensate for their unhappiness and overeat to feel better.

So what is undereating? I think when I've read before about it it's more of a control thing than a dopamine thing. I'm not sure if there's a gene for it, but I do know that undereaters cut more, which is also a control type response to external stimuli.

So it's not my fault I'm eating too much, right?

Every body is beautiful

Women tend to have an unhealthy view of themselves and their weight. My friend Amanda totally has body dysmorphic disorder. She thinks she's fat and has cellulite, but she's a size 6 and 5"7. She's perfectly fine. In fact, she looks great! But she worries about it all the time and constantly puts herself down.

A new study says we women really do have issues with weight that are tied to our brain patterns, even if we think we don't have issues.

Where does this come from? Do women in other countries have it? Is the woman in Uganda worried about her weight? I bet so. In African countries it's posh to be fat. It means you're well taken care of. A skinny woman isn't looked on as being able to have babies or be well off. So I bet skinny women in Africa worry all the time on how to gain weight or make themselves look heavier.

The opposite is our reality here in the States. We're constantly looking to be thinner. Since the beginning of our union we've looked to corsets and other binding contraptions to make us look thin. We have Spanx now, thanks to that wonderful invention spandex. Spandex makes thousands of women feel better in their clothes. We're always looking at magazines with skinny women, and trying to fit into the smallest sizes we can. Even the fashion industry plays into it. Clothes aren't really the size you buy. They're all labeled down so that you feel better buying them. I bet I'm actually a size 8, not 6. I sure was closer to a 16 when I was wearing 14s.

"No matter the cause, body image issues are not likely to disappear anytime soon; as the current study reveals, even women who think they have healthy body images have brains that tell them otherwise."

Body issues will probably continue to run rampant in this society until we start realizing that every body is beautiful. And women say they do it for a man's attention, but men don't care. We do it for other women. Like we dress for other women. Men don't care what you're wearing, but women sure do. We need to get over our fear of ourselves and just accept what is. Love thyself.

Eating, eating, all day long

It's time to get serious about weight loss again. My jeans are a little tight, though I just washed them, so that could be it. I hope.

I know I've talked about this, but I have an unhealthy relationship to food, too. I can eat and eat, and not even be hungry. I just eat because it's there or because it sounds good. And then I don't eat, and I don't eat, because I feel really guilty about eating too much.

When I lose weight I do it through Weight Watchers and try to do it right. I eat lots of fruits and veggies, but try to stay exactly on my calorie limit for the day, even though they give you extra weekly points. I also exercise for an hour a day, and 2 hours a day on weekends. I get a little obsessive about getting the weight off, and quickly.

I was a skinny kid, well, not skinny, but average. And then in sixth grade I started getting miserable and gained weight. And then in high school, when I look back, I got skinny and then fat again once I was on lithium. In college I bounced back and forth, too. When I look at pictures I think, "how skinny I was!" It's probably because the majority, almost all, of my calories came from beer and the rest from meals at 2am in Denny's. Real healthy during college, I know.

And now, I think I eat pretty well, except the occasional (read twice a week or so) gigantic cookie. And ice cream. But I'm sticking to my daily points kind of ok. WW gives you a points system to follow, and you just type in what you ate and it converts it to points. I get 19 points a day, which really isn't a lot of food if you eat junk. It's a ton if you eat veggies. So that's what I'll do. More veggies, more exercise, and try not to go overboard with it.