Happiness is but a turn away

Happiness is just around the corner. It's just a matter of finding the right corner. -The Geography of Bliss

At what point in sobriety do you turn that corner? When you have a spiritual awakening? At the point you can give your will and life over to the care of God, as you understand him? After your fourth or ninth step?

I'm happier now, for sure. I don't have to drink, which makes my life so much easier and cheaper. I can sit here on my porch and listen to the band play in the park down the street and not have to have a drink in my hand, and that makes me happy.

But when will my life improve? Now. I can think clearer, I can focus better, I'm not having to sleep my life away. But I am bored. Drinking diet Coke isn't quite the same as having my old buddy wine next to me. It sure would make my posts more creative. But then again, they'd be more incomprehensible and probably spelled wrong.

So happiness is this corner. It's the corner I'm standing on now, the precipice of sobriety, and I've chosen the path towards the light.

Terminally unique

You are not unique. You may feel that way, but every alcoholic has been where you are. They've all lived the life of some sort. Alcoholics all over the world have had car crashes, DUI's, lost wives and families, lost jobs and friends, drank themselves into bad health, have problems with the families and friends they have left, landed in the gutter.

I have to remember that no matter what feelings I'm feeling right now, people out there have had them before. There have always been recovering alcoholics feeling withdrawal since the first person quit drinking. There have always been people with mental illness who have dealt with the steps. Lots of people quit smoking every year. I am not unique.

And so I'll go through this program and learn to laugh at myself and my situation. I'll learn that there is always someone out there to talk to who will understand. I am not alone.

Don't panic

"Agoraphobia is the fear of being in a situation where one might experience anxiety or panic."

I've had a lot of irrational fears lately, like going to the grocery store or changing at the gym. My dad says just walk it off, but he has no idea the threat of a panic attack. See, panic attacks are more than just feeling uncomfortable. They feel life threatening, like having a heart attack. Your head and heart begin to pound, you start sweating, and you get these irrational fears that you just can't escape in time.

A few years ago I was boarding an airplane and suddenly felt this dread coming on. The plane was going to crash. I knew it. I just knew in my heart that it was going to go down. I tried to talk myself out of it, and just boarded anyway. I was sitting right next to the door, and watched all the other people get on. And I started to sweat. Would these people be able to open the doors? Would we make it? What if we were stranded in the middle of nowhere? What if none of us survived!?

I was on my way home for Christmas, and really wanted to get there, but I just thought I couldn't do it. "I have to get off the plane," I told the stewardess. "Let me get you some water," she replied. As the door closed I couldn't breathe. I started crying uncontrollably, and I never cry. "Open the door, I have to get off!" "We can't open the door, we've already left the gate," she said. I sat there panicking and then remembered that I had my special sleeping meds with me. I popped a whole one, and within 15 minutes I was calmer and able to sleep the whole way. Needless to say, the plane made it.

That kind of panic attack rarely happens, but I do get that sense of dread sometimes. I feel them coming on, and have to think happy thoughts - get out of my head and not allow the thought to stay in my mind.

So I went to the grocery store today. I was a little nervous, but I made myself go. And guess what? Nothing happened. I was in and out in 15 minutes with all the food I need to survive. And I'm ok. I checked out the Commit lozenges for quitting smoking, but I'm not paying $42 for something that will last me less time than a $6 pack of smokes. So I bought some Halls and some carrots. I'm going to do this. I need to get lollipops, too. I can make it. And when I feel a panic attack coming on, I won't have to smoke. I can find better ways to deal. So let's hope now I'll make it to the gym on Monday.

Momma bear

My mom wants to move to my town. I know, I know, that might be a little crazy. But there are some good reasons. She can't really get around the area where she lives anymore because of either the heat or the snow. She is stuck in the house about 6 months out of the year.

She just called me for permission to look. "Tell me truthfully, I won't be mad: would it drive you crazy if I moved there?" You know, I had to think about it for a while. "As long as you're not dependent on me too much, I think I could handle it." See, I would want her around if I were to have kids. I would need her help; she's great with kids. And she's been fine and taking her meds for two years now. She and I have a really good relationship. She's acting like the mom I've always wanted her to be.

And I would have free dog-sitting without having to rely on my ex-boyfriend's mom.

I think it would be alright. Some people might not think so, like Adam and Emily (Emily HATES my mom), but I've created some pretty tough boundaries in the past 5 years. I would be able to hold on to those, and probably start Al-Anon just to keep myself on track. She stayed here while I was in Europe, and I trusted her with my car, my dog, and my apartment. It was a test, and she passed.

So we'll see what happens and how I deal with it. I would rather my dad move here, but mom and I will be fine. Adam, don't freak out.

Another smoking post - I'm really gonna do it this time

Alright, alright, I get it, God. I'll quit smoking. Jeez.

Before I quit drinking I had a few people tell me I drank a lot or should quit. Now, I have a bunch of people on my ass for smoking. So, I took the Kaiser Permanente online cessation quiz thingy. I set a date for Monday. I just need to be able to get around stressful situations and times when smoking is a habit, like when I walk to meetings. I just need to increase my exercise and buy lollipops while I'm at Costco this weekend.

I started smoking in high school. I never wanted to smoke - I thought it was nasty - but when my parents sent me to boarding school I was pissed off. Some girls and I snuck out one of the first nights I was there, and they showed me all the places the girls went at night. We wandered back behind the soccer field, and there was a group of girls smoking. "Want a cigarette?" Well, I had just smoked the joint that went around, so I figured I might as well. And that was the beginning of the end.

I learned at school how to remove a window screen, how to smoke in the bathroom without anyone knowing (turn on the shower, put a towel under the door, open the window, and have some Febreeze handy), where to go on campus, and how to buy cigarettes underage. I smoked from then on, even lighting my pot pipe with my cigarette to get both drugs at the same time.

In college I smoked a lot. I used it in place of medications, and plus, I hung out in a super smokey bar every night. All my friends smoked, too, so it was easy to just keep on pace with them.

I've quit before. I quit for a year one time. I didn't smoke more than a cigarette a week when I moved here, and sometimes one a month. But in times of stress, I can smoke up to half a pack a day.

None of my friends smoke anymore - the ones here or at home (except one, but she smokes a lot less than me). So it's time to jump on the bandwagon. It's going to be stressful, it's going to make me irritable, but hell, if I can quit drinking, then I can quit smoking.

My first time in AA

This is technically my first time in AA, but my second time attending meetings.

See, when I was 16 Emily had a drinking problem. No, not me (ha ha), but her. She and I would go out and smoke a lot of pot and drink with our buddies. Since we were in the suburbs, we would go sit under the highway overpass and try not to fall down the gravel into the ravine below. We would spend every day there after school.

I was a happy drunk/druggie. I would just sit around and smile at people, or try to get people to do fun things like rolling down hills and skipping. Emily was a bit more of a fight starter (theme in my friends, really). She would steal cars and get into tons of trouble. She ended up in a mental hospital, and they told her she should go to AA. So she went. And she loved it.

She immediately fell in with a new group of friends, and even got a tattoo on her chest of the AA logo. She had such a great time, that she would ask me to come to meetings with her. So I did. But....

I would get drunk or high, usually high, before hand. I would come into the meeting, get my coffee, and when they asked if anyone had 24 hours I would raise my hand. "Hi, I'm Anne," I would say. Everyone would clap, and sometimes I would get a 24-hour chip. I thought it was fucking hilarious. Emily never laughed. She took it a bit more seriously than I did.

I think I still have one of those chips somewhere.

I don't think I ever looked at the steps, or even listened to what they were saying. I learned the Serenity Prayer, and I'm sure I skimmed through the Big Book once or twice waiting for the meeting to be over. If only I had looked. Well, I suppose I wouldn't have seen anything.

Adam took me to a meeting once or twice early in his sobriety. He said he needed support, but I know better now. He wanted me to hear something I needed to. I remember sitting beside him listening to the speaker and wanting to cry. I don't remember what he said, but I remember his story being so touching.

I've had my run-ins with AA before. I'm happy to say I think it's sticking this time.

A special poem

When Adam was in jail for his DUI I gave him a poem. A copy of "Invictus" by William Ernest Henley that I learned in high school. I say it to myself sometimes to get me through. While Adam was here he showed me that he still has it. That meant a lot to me. My dad just quoted it and I think I'm going to try and remember it in my own recovery. It goes something like this:

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.