The chemistry of love

Sigh. Adam and I hung out again tonight. I went over and helped him clean his place. There were some major dust bunnies out there under the bed. We went through all of it, and stopped in between rooms for hugs. I also sat there eating ice cream watching him finish the living room. It was a fun night.

But, of course, we had to talk about feelings. I just wanted to jump him, because there's something chemical going on with me right now and I'm just in the mood. I can't figure out why I want to just jump him, and it doesn't really apply elsewhere. Well, that's not true. I want to jump everyone, but with him, I'm more interested in kissing than anything else. I just want that intimacy.

And I think this is the whole problem: I don't know how to have a friendship without that intimacy. When I'm giving of myself, sex comes with that. I've slept with all my closest friends, except Andrea and Jennifer. That's just how I get close to people. I want to be close to Adam, and we are close, but for some reason my brain feels the need to be "closer."

So how do I really feel about him, then, when you take out the chemical response? I don't know. I... I don't know. We talked about feeling your feelings and sitting through the pain and letting it speak to you. I told him I'd been sitting in this pain for 2 years and it's time for me to make a decision. "Two years?" he said. I think I surprised him. It's not like all of a sudden I just decided I was in love with him. It crept up on me. But then there it was, blaring me in the face.

But what is love?