I wanna be Bob Dylan

It's all in my head, I know. The "committee" telling me I suck in this business, and I'm just a horrible loser for living at home with my dad and being unemployed. The little voice that tells me it's easier to find a job when you have a job; that no one hires the unemployed. It's all in my head. My resume has found me 8 interviews, so someone out there is bound to want me eventually. Will I want them? Will I be desperate enough to just accept something? I feel desperate now. I just want to be working, I think. Or, I just want money coming in. "How does it feel to want?" says Adam. It feels shitty. I feel like shit.

I ran out of cigarettes tonight and went to a sober open mic with Adam. It was fun and I saw my friend Erin, who is speaking tomorrow at a meeting. I'm going to go hang out with her and get some gossip. Should be interesting. She's got so much going on, and it's nice to focus on someone elses troubles for a while.

Adam and I sat in the car and talked for a while after he drove me home. We talked about the committee, and how we feel about each other. "I don't know how I feel," he said. "I don't know how I'll feel in 6 months, either." Truth is, I don't know how I feel right now. I have so much going on in my life that I can't even imagine being in a relationship right now. And do I really want him like that? Do I even want to be in a relationship with him, or is the relationship we have just fine?

Sometimes I think I like it like this. I could be a bitch and say it's cause I can do better: I usually date guys with 6 packs and who are tall and blonde. He's none of those (well, he's taller than me), and some people find him obnoxious, but I don't. There's a good heart in there that's attractive to me. He's a good man. It doesn't matter what he looks like on the outside, or how many degrees he's got.

But I could find someone else, I know I could. I have in the past. It's not hard. I'm an attractive, fun person to be with. I give in relationships, and no longer let people just take. It's got to be even. And I generally don't take people's shit. I think I'm good in relationships. I have close friendships with all my ex's.

So why do I think I need him? Do I? No. I don't need him in order to be happy. I just like being around him. Does that mean it's love? Maybe not.