Creeping depression

Here we go, folks! The depression has finally hit! Maybe this isn't a good time to quit smoking, but I'm going to do it anyway. It has to happen sometime, and there's always going to be stress in my life. I need to learn how to handle it better.

Ever since I upped my meds I haven't been feeling depressed. I think they really evened me out, and kept my chemistry normal. Now, it's depression, but depression for depression's sake. It's not chemical, it's situational.

So what can I do to change my situation? I can keep working on getting a job. I can job hunt daily. This is also a nice distraction from my life. I can run. I can go running tomorrow with the doglet, and make both of us feel better. I can focus on quitting smoking. I can focus on AA. I can just focus on making my self the best Anne that I can be.

But I don't really feel like doing any of that, even though I know I'll force myself to do it. I don't know who to talk to about this. My therapist is so happy all the time, and she wants me to do Ennegrams and meditation and shit. Fuck all that. I'm just depressed and I want some solution. I need something to change in my situation.

I'm listening to depressing music and it's sort of helping. I need to cry. I've felt like crying since sitting in the car with Adam. I just need to get it all out. I'm talking to Michael on email right now. He's good about this kind of stuff. He understands the crippling depression and the urge to kill yourself.

I don't feel like killing myself, but the thought does come up. What's nice is, I don't want to die. I have no interest in that. I'm too curious: I want to know how it's all going to turn out. But I do feel like shit. I do feel like I need some release. I need to go for a run. Or a cigarette.