Celibacy is a lie

Ok, so I've been lying (on a blog only I read... weirdo). I haven't been celibate for the whole 6 months. I've had sex. I know, I know; it's not a good thing to go against what your sponsor tells you to do, or not to do, and it's bad to lie to her about what you're doing. But I had sex with someone in AA who doesn't want anyone to know about it because he'd be 13th stepping me. So we haven't done it again, and probably won't.

I don't like being his "dirty little secret," though. It makes me feel gross that he doesn't want to expose his behavior to the light. It's kind of selfish and creepy. I mean, what's the problem? You did it, now accept the consequences. But, of course, I'm not doing that either by lying to my sponsor. Adam does this too by saying, "This never happened" when we lie on the couch together or something. Makes me feel dirty.

I also had sex with someone outside of AA. I know! I'm kind of a slut, but they were both people I know really well, and have had sex with before, so it kind of doesn't count. I just couldn't hold out. I'm a sexual being, and 6 months was just too long of a time. I figure as long as I'm not in a relationship everything is cool.

I don't even have any interest in being in a relationship right now. I get my intimacy from Adam (which is probably bad), and I have too much going on to focus on someone else's happiness. I can't even take care of myself right now, much less someone else. Though I do have a lot of time on my hands to go to lunch or dinner.